England, San Marino and other ‘bloody hell!’ moments

England v San Marino After kicking off their Euro 2016 qualifying campaign with an impressive victory in Switzerland, England now face the rather less taxing prospect of a home game against San Marino.

In the four previous encounters with tonight’s opponents England have scored 26 goals against the Sammarinese, but the fixture will forever be defined in one single moment nearly 21 years ago when England’s left back mistimed a backpass to David Seaman and a coach driver called Davide Gualtieri nipped in to put San Marino ahead with only seven seconds played.

Everyone knows what they were doing when San Marino scored, the joke went, except Stuart Pearce.

No matter that England went on to win 7-1 in Bologna; it turned out to be the night when both Graham Taylor’s fate as national manager and Gualtieri’s place in football folklore were sealed and remains one of the sport’s “JFK” moments. Everyone knows what they were doing when San Marino scored, the joke went, except Stuart Pearce. It still stands as the fastest goal ever scored in a World Cup qualifying match, and the Nottingham Forest full back wasn’t the only Pearce who was caught on the hop right from the kick-off.

Match of the Day commentator Jonathan Pearce, who was then working for Capital Gold radio, came off the back off the news with his big introduction to the match: “Welcome to the Stadio Renata Dall’ara in Bologna for coverage of San Marino versus England on Capital Gold sport with Tennent’s Pilsner the lager in a league of its own… and England are a goal down”.

‘Time stood still’

For those of us in the ground, it was a “time stood still” experience as the sheer improbability of what we had just witnessed took a seeming eternity to sink in. Such moments of are quite rare even for the seasoned football watcher, but here are a few other episodes of head shaking disbelief.

It’s Septmeber 2001 and Carsten Jancker has burst through with just six minutes played to put Germany ahead against England in Munich’s Olympic Stadium. The weary sense of deja vu is already palpable within the ranks of the English supporters and media. Not again. But lo, Sven-Goran Eriksson’s team hit back with five unanswered goals to win this vital World Cup qualifier. Michael Owen hits a hat trick, Steven Gerrard scores his first ever international goal and the England fans gleefully remind the Germans with an impromptu new chant: “5-1 even Heskey scored.”

An England fan approaches the German barman and holds up his right hand, fingers outstretched. ‘Five beers please – and have one for yourself.’

Later at our hotel bar, with neither set of supporters able to comprehend what they have just witnessed, an England fan approaches the overworked German barman and holds up his right hand, the fingers outstretched. “Five beers please – and have one for yourself.”

Two years earlier in the Champions League final, Manchester United have been outplayed and outfought by Bayern Munich, who lead 1-0 at the Nou Camp. Only the frame of Peter Schmeichel’s goal has denied the Bavarians the more emphatic scoreline which their dominance would have fully merited. The dignitaries are making their way down to pitchside in readiness to present the trophy (already adorned with Bayern ribbons) to victorious skipper Oliver Kahn as David Beckham prepares to takes a corner with a minute of stoppage time played. The ball finds its way to Teddy Sheringham who scores to send the final into extra time.

But United don’t need extra time – they have Fergie time. Another Beckham corner results in Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s winner and the disbelief is so universal that the Bayern players’ unwillingness to countenance what has just occurred leaves them almost physically unable to heave their prostrate bodies off the turf. Rumour has it that the Uefa VIPs emerged from ground floor lift with no idea that United had won the game. Nobody else could believe it either.

Unforeseeable drama

It is not often though that Germany are the victims of such unforeseeable drama, and they had their own “tell me I’m not dreaming” experience this summer in Belo Horizonte. World Cup hosts Brazil came into the semifinal in decidedly average form and with star man Neymar sidelined after being injured in the narrow quarter final win over Colombia. They lined up for the anthems with captain David Luiz holding the golden boy’s number 10 shirt in a gesture which was intended to galavanise a nation.

It certainly did. The Germans, not renowned as football’s great sentimentalists, will have seen this mawkish display of self indulgence as tantamount to the waving of a white flag and set about their ruthless task with increased vigour. Even then, the manner of the destruction they wreaked set a new benchmark in the game’s history. The six-minute first half spell in which Joachim Low’s team scored four goals to lead 5-0 with less than half an hour gone was accompanied by a hitherto unprecedented bout of synchronised global jaw dropping.

As Sir Alex Ferguson remarked after that 1999 Champions league triumph: “Football, bloody hell!”

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