SAS: Who Dares Win is one of the toughest shows on telly, why did you want to do it?
I thought I've really gone through so much in my life, it was almost like if I got through that I'd really prove to myself I've turned my life around. That's what was in my head, that's why I wanted to do it. I wanted to prove to everybody else, the public, the press, that I've turned my life around.
Did you know what you were letting yourself in for?
Yeah. I honestly thought I could handle the mental torture because I know I’m a tough girl. I’ve been knocked down so many times, I’m so resilient and no one can deny that, I’ve been knocked and knocked and knocked, I’ve got back up every single fucking time. I will decide when I want to or do not get back up again, that's my decision. I knew exactly what I was getting myself in for. I was nervous about it, but I like the challenge. I mean my favourite show as a kid was Private Benjamin with Goldie Hawn. So, that's what I thought I was going to be like, you know what I mean? But it’s so much more than just walking on scaffolding from one cliff to another. For me, it was a mental realisation of who I am, how far I've come, and what I've been through. And knowing it's okay to cry about it.
Did you do any preparation for the show?
Yeah, definitely, but I should have done more. You should really fucking train for the show. Believe me, train as hard as you can. I did not train nowhere near as enough as I should have. I was having cold showers for a minute and then I had a 10k in my rucksack and then I’d go for a hike for a mile. But it really is a massive shock to your system.
You get emotional in the mirror room talking about your ex’s death, how did you feel in that moment?
I was really angry at him because George died, he just died. He put me through so much shit, scared the shit out of us, and then just died. There was a lot of anger built up there. It's almost like I was able to grieve George’s death. I felt it was a safe place to bring up George's death, which is really weird. It was one of the best things I've ever done. It gave me so much closure on my life, on me. I needed to close that door on George’s death because I hadn’t grieved him properly. So when I got there it all just came flooding out.
Did doing the course give you any other kind of closure?
Yeah, massively, it made me finally realise I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. You know, I was doing loads of drugs and could have died. I got through that. I went to rehab several times, I got through it. And I got through my relationships. So no, I don't need to prove anything to anybody, but I only came to that realisation sitting on that bed. I just remember sitting there thinking I don't need to subject myself to this to prove anything to anyone.
What did you think when you found out who you’d be on the show with?
We all lived in isolation together before the show started. Everybody was great, that’s where I met Ulrika Johnson, who is one of my bestest friends in the world now. I absolutely adore her. We have so much in common. We've both been through quite a lot of the same shit together. And I think that we went through shit together on this show too. I absolutely adore her. We were crying our eyes out the night before because we were so scared about going in.
How did you feel having to strip in front of the others after coming out the water onto the beach?
For me, it's a bit humiliating having to strip in front of everybody. There’s a camera crew, loads of men, and they’re all looking at you. I kept my knickers on, I felt really uncomfortable straight away. But that's what this show is about, they want to strip you absolutely bare and then kind of build you back up again, I guess.
You got gassed, what was that like trying to rescue a hostage held in a gas chamber?
Oh my God, I know there's going to be memes of me coming out of that chamber. Snot everywhere. I can see it now, there's going to be memes of my face. For me what went through my head was I remember going in there, and I couldn't get my breath and in my head I could just see my children, and I'm thinking I don't care what happens, my kids are more important than this, I wanted to get out as quickly as possible. That was my instinct.
What does it feel like when you take your gas mask off?
It feels like you're being choked. But you know what was more amazing than anything was afterwards Foxy was telling me to breathe and everything goes back to normal really quickly and it's such a wonderful feeling. It's amazing what the human body can do.
Have you stayed in touch with the celebs since the show?
Yeah, I've stayed at Ulrika’s house and we’ll WhatsApp each other every now and then. Me and Vicky check in on each other. Everyone was absolutely lovely.
If anyone's out there thinking about doing the next series, what would you say to them?
Do it. 100% do it. How often does anybody get asked to do something so unique like this? What a great experience, I'll never get to do something like that again. That's why I like doing these shows, I’ve been on so many wonderful adventures, I'm so lucky and so blessed because this is my job. When I get opportunities like this, for me it's all about an experience and the memories. No matter how hard it is, do it, give it a go.