Secret Peter is Noel's landlord in the guise of a purple blob dashed with crystals and wearing goalkeepers gloves.

The jelly chav nightmare speaks with the voice of an East Londoner, at least when he can be bothered as he usually excuses himself from conversation with Noel despite being the call maker. In the past Secret Peter was a boxer and goalkeeper, which accounts for his muddled and haphazard actions that can be partially blamed on his brain-damaged state.