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The loan ranger rides again
We had decided to ride our bikes down south to the Scrapheap set. So at 5pm after work, I jumped on my (borrowed) nasty XJR 1300 to go and meet Smell just down the road. He was all packed, loaded up and ready to go. So off we went to Derby to pick up Charlie but when we arrived, we found him, as usual, completely laid back about it all, torn between loading his bike up and having a nap. What seemed an age later, we shoehorned Charlie on to his bike and we were away, weaving through rush-hour traffic in Derby. Wah hoo! The joys of biking had just slapped me in the face again!
We're now well on our way. Except my borrowed XJR 1300 drank more than Johnny Vegas on a bender, so we stopped for fuel. That was when things started to go wrong for us. Charlie announced he needed a nap and the oil seal had gone on the connection between the drive shaft and rear wheel of his bike. Great! A drowsy bloke on a big bike that's threatening to seize up on him. Bad combination! Oh well, he could always jump on the back of my bike, if needs be.
It was at this point that I noticed my (borrowed) bike didn't have any headlights and it was going to get dark shortly and Smell's bike had been spraying oil all over the place from the word go. And three people don't fit on one bike.
So we rode the last half an hour as fast as we dare (without breaking the speed limit, of course) to avoid the looming darkness and Charlie's bike seizing up. Which we did! Phew!
Battle of the beards
We entered the hotel bar clad in leathers and waterproofs. Everybody else was already there including the Up 'n Atoms, our opponents. A little bloke, a tall bloke and the stereotype Scrapheap bloke complete with a big belly, a bald head and a goatee.
Strike one to us, because I had two big, bald goatee-wearing lads, and mine were bigger!
So, we had a drink or two with them and got acquainted. They turned out to be sound lads, but for the sake of Dave and Jimmy, I hope Ali isn't their boss at work! Strike two to them; the fat bald bloke with the goatee (Ali) could talk a good game! It sounded like these lads had come through one hell of a challenge to meet us in the quarter finals. We thought our challenge had been tough but theirs sounded heroic!
We had by now well and truly slipped back into TV world, rubbing shoulders with all the RDF crew including the delightful Naomi, the roving researcher, and the director for this episode, an arty critter known as Gorgeous George. Which was ironic because neither team found him attractive? But just like Dan on the previous shoot, it turned out he knew his stuff.
We were introduced to our expert, John. Another goatee beard in our team … we had to win! Dwarfed by even me, John was an average-sized geezer with flowing blond locks who looked like he'd be at home on the set of Baywatch. Just what is this bloke an expert in? Try as we might he wasn't going to tell us. Although, we had sussed his car was a great big Yank dragster thing in the car park. Was it going to be drag racers? That would be cool! A few pints later and my imagination running riot, we went to bed.
The best-laid plans
Next thing we know it's about 8am and we're back at the heap and our imaginations have gone into overload. Smell noticed some oil tanks lying by the canteen and pointed them out as being involved. He turned out to be right! I spotted there were boat hulls all over the place and we all begrudgingly agreed it looked like it was going to be something to do with water. How wrong we were.
All this before we'd put our overalls on. Once we were dressed and mic'd up, we tucked into a hearty breakfast of sausage, bacon and egg roll, times three, each. We exchanged a few pleasantries with Robert and Lisa, again sound people, then were called to the set to learn our challenge.
Robert and Lisa announced with showbiz smiles that we were to build a spy car that could go over two-foot-high barriers and under two-foot-high barriers carry four people around a long course and turn on a sixpence. It was greeted with glazed expressions. 'Can we do that again?' asked Gorgeous George 'And this time, look pleased!'
The full horror of what we were about to take on hit us all once we started to discuss it with the expert and put our thoughts on the car bonnet. 'So,' I enquired, 'we're going to build a car that is less than two feet high, it steers at the front and the rear, it will be built with an alien engine to any of the other car parts and on top of that it's going to hinge in the middle?'
'Yep!' said John.
That's all very well, I thought, but this is going to take us a week.
First and foremost, we needed a flat twin engine from a specific car. Check! That was in the build area faster than you could shake a stick at it, Charlie and Smell pulling out all the stops. The engine came complete with a car and we could use the front end as part of the vehicle. It now got a bit confusing. The engine we'd got was perfect. However, it was in the rear of the vehicle. So the car got chopped into four pieces from which we kept the engine and the front end with the steering.
We then needed the front end off a front-wheel-drive car to become the back of our car into which our flat twin engine would be fitted. (Confused? We were) A mini would be perfect because it has a removable sub frame. Not check! This was a major problem. From this moment on, we knew we were really up against it.
Safe cracker
From a personal point of view, I enjoyed this build much more than the Off-Road Rescue build. John's idea was fantastic, but dangerously ambitious. Even he wasn't sure how we were going to do certain things. I'd been brushing up on my skills since the last build and my welding was much better and I was now a demon with the gas axe (thanks, Jim Stiles, for the help). As a result, we all chipped in with graft and solutions to problems. From my point of view, we were a better team than we had been in the first round. We put endless graft in and we didn't waste any time like we had before.
By now the two halves of car had been joined back-to-back through a crude but effective hinge. It was beginning to take shape. Smell and Charlie were working together to fabricate a pneumatic ram which would force the car to fold upwards along the hinge, giving us ground clearance to get over the two-foot hump.
Me and John were trying to coax the donor engine into the compartment on the front of our second car (that was now the back of our new car). This was to be the scene of a captain's tantrum. The safety geezer (sorry, I can't remember your name) and I had a wee disagreement. He didn't like the way we were craning the engine into the compartment. He watched us put it in and decided he didn't like what we'd done and made us take it out. Many, many expletives later, the engine was out and then back in again.
For what it's worth, sorry, I got carried away and forgot I was doing it for a laugh.
The rest of the build was a blur of hammers, welding, gas axes and 12in grinders. Anyway, we had seconds left and we finally lowered the push-me-pull-you vehicle to the ground. Much to everyone's surprise, we'd done it.
Race day
By now I had run through every eventuality in my head and I kept coming back to the one thing that bothered me: the motion of our vehicle relied on critical parts that were untested. Brilliant though it was, it had numerous Achilles' heels and we'd seen the Rough Riders make the same mistake in the previous challenge. If the task was to build the most imaginative solution to the problem, we were bound to win but I was concerned.
We arrived in convoy. Charlie, Smell and me on our bikes following John's dragster. As soon as Charlie went to work on the pneumatic lift to get it working perfectly. Smell and I set about repositioning the air reservoir as it was above the two-foot limit.
The Up 'n Atoms had made a two-foot gauge to test their vehicle and kindly lent it to us. So this was it. We approached the gauge, the nose went under but the bulkhead picked it up and carried it away. We were too high. This would require some precision work to reduce the vehicle height by a couple of inches, so I smashed the bulkhead and doorposts to bits with a sledgehammer. It was now perfect. A coat of pink paint and the Flat 127 was born.
We were called up for our run. To use Smell's phrase. I could feel the nerves running down my leg. All into position in the Flat 127, a brief chat with Lisa and we were off. We were flying round the slalom with the four-wheel steering working a treat, then under the first of the two-foot barriers (an articulated lorry trailer) and we then entered the shed. Then, disaster, the clutch cable snapped. Much cursing and remonstrating and we were able to fix it. However, this came at a cost, we were given a two-minute penalty and told to go back to the beginning.
Then it was the Atoms' turn. We were taken away from the action so we couldn't see what was going on but we could hear every engine revolution as they progressed around the challenge. They seemed to be making good progress but then silence, their engine had stopped, something was wrong. The only thing that could have gone wrong was the hump. It couldn't possibly be anything else as there was nothing to go wrong on their machine, it was too simple. A few minutes passed and the engine fired up again. They emerged out of the shed and on to the finish line. Not a bad time.
At the restart, we knew we needed a faultless round from now on. We had decided that the Atoms must have opted to take a 20-second penalty and not attempted the hump, which is why their engine had stopped. So we decide the hump was our 'get out of jail free' card. Sod the time. Just get over the hump.
So we set off again, even faster than last time. This time, into the shed without a hitch. We negotiate every obstacle with relative ease. We rounded the final corner in the shed, which put us on the home straight. All we had to do was go under one barrier, over the hump and under the next barrier and out of the shed to easy ground.
We slid under the first barrier, then Smell ordered John to 'Cane it for the hump' with flames coming from the exhaust, John dropped the clutch. Nothing happened. 'What's up?' Smell shouted 'Cane it! Cane it!' John tried again but the same result. The reality of the situation was sinking in. Flat 127 had chewed up and spat out one of its half shafts. Game over.
Feeling flat
We were devastated. I have never (and I think I speak for Smell and Charlie) put so much heart and soul into a single project only to fail. Our 15 minutes of fame had ended in anti-climax.
Anyway, we're over the trauma now and look back on it with fond memories. As for the Up 'n Atoms, we hope they go on to win the whole series. Mind you, our machine was miles better than theirs.
Many thanks to all at RDF and special thanks to Steve our off-road expert and Johnny Nitro for this challenge. Happy Scrapping.
Nick Marriott