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| A quick chat plus … |
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| … a spot of welding plus … |
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| … a cup of tea equals … |
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| … a metal-munching marine monster |
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| HMS Proper Job in action ... |
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| ... merrily impaling aquatic obstacles |
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The Barley Pickers' diary
A rush job to get to Crowthorne once again. Work at home is piling up because a great deal of time is spent travelling up and down from Devon. Walking into the hotel bar we immediately recognised the Boat Buoys from what everyone had told us about them. Because time is limited, I (Captain Andy) am not going to begin to sum them up, except to say they were a well-spoken bunch of chaps, and when you were around them there was never a dull moment, and Toby is, 'in the nicest possible way', a complete headcase.
We were then introduced to our TC, Sim, another great chap who seemed to be an expert in a large number of things – the more questions we asked him, the more rubbish he told us about our challenge. A brilliant night in the bar with the Boat Buoys and Sim. We all just couldn't wait for tomorrow – it was going to be so much fun.
Build day
On our way down to the totem pole we had noticed some outboard motors and a boat that had been buried on previous challenges and made a little more accessible. Coupled with something that Sim had said last night, we had an inkling we were to build something nautical. We were right.
When we were running back to the build area, Robin said: 'We're literally in above our depth on this one – none of us know anything about boats apart from that they bob around a lot and after a while you feel ill.' So we would be relying on Sim's wealth of experience. He was absolutely no help at all when it came to the board chat: all he told us to do was go and find something that looked like it might float, probably with a pointed end and a blunt end. I'm sure he had spotted that fibreglass boat as well. Robin and Keith went straight for the boat.
Jaws
Once we had secured our craft, it was time to decide how it was going to be powered and what sort of weapons we were going to fit. Now at last Sim was being helpful. A diesel engine needed to be found, because petrol had a tendency to be problematic when wet – and Sim said we would probably get wet. We decided on a single weapon fitted on the front of our craft, two spikes hydraulically operated. It would act as an opening jaw to rip the other vessel open and sink it.
Keith said that after all the time he spent looking for hydraulic bits last week he was confident he could find plenty for the weapon, so off he went. Robin went out to the heap and shortly came back with a six-cylinder Volvo diesel engine. 'Proper job,' we think – if it runs. The next hour was spent getting the engine to start. Meanwhile good old Keith had come through once again with a hydraulic pump, valve chest and bits to make the weapon. We were cooking on gas, but we were now scratching our heads about the propeller's drive-shaft. After loads of deliberation, king of the scavengers, Keith, came back with a jet-drive unit. Not knowing what it was, he showed it to Sim. Sim's eyes lit up like the Blackpool illuminations. If we had given him the winning lottery ticket he wouldn't have been more pleased.
Apparently the jet drive is the bee's knees; it sucks water in from the bottom of the boat and forces it out of a nozzle at very high pressure. The nozzle can also be angled, to give us steering – forward and reverse. So the jet drive solves all our problems in one swoop.
Earwigging
Earwigging over the fence, we heard Toby bellowing, 'Stand back gentlemen, I'm going to cut!' Johnny would say, 'I don't think you should be doing that, Toby,' but obviously he did. After it was explained to him, Toby would often say, 'Oh, sorry gentlemen.'
With most of the bits tracked down, Sim and I got on with cutting the holes out of the back of the boat and fitting the jet-drive unit. Robin and Keith got on with making and fitting the weapon – all straightforward stuff. We then put two bits of box iron in the bottom of the boat and welded on some cross members to tack on the mighty Volvo engine and gearbox.
Time for tea, chaps
Toby insisted we all stopped for tea, chaps. We were summoned to the Boat Buoys' build area, where Earl Grey tea, Carr's water biscuits and scones were being served. You would expect no less from those sophisticated, well-spoken masters of the sea. Which gave us the chance to have a look at their craft. At least that's what I think it is. They had big steel boxes with a load of violent mechanical weapons and no pointed end. If they can get it to float and go forwards (I'm not sure what direction is forwards) it will make a serious battleship. Of course the boys had to come back and look at our effort. The opinion was: 'A spiffing craft – love the jet drive – but fibreglass boat not good for a battleship, chaps.'
Back to work. The engine dropped in. The drive shaft from the gearbox to the jet drive had to be connected; an old prop shaft would do that. The oil pump was fitted via another prop shaft to the front of the engine. All that was left to do was to put some spikes on the front and test the weapon. With just minutes remaining we tested our weapon and put some armament on the front of the boat.
Test day
Bright and early outside the hotel, we all decided to drive ourselves to the test site, but we were unsure of the way. Toby piped up 'Follow me, chaps!' So off we went, Toby in front. He turned left, and three left turns later we were back in the hotel car park. Toby, master of the seas, navigates his way around the globe, couldn't navigate us out of the car park.
We finally got to the test site in time to do some tinkering. There wasn't a lot to do – only re-align our oil-pump drive, sharpen up the spikes on our weapon and test the jet drive. The rest of the time was spent with the paint brush, naming our craft 'HMS Proper Job'.
We sailed out to the start post and we were supposed to wait for Lisa to start us off. But Toby shouted across to us: 'Let's not doodle around, gentlemen, let's get on with it.' So we did, catching Lisa, Robert and most of the camera crew out, but once we had started there was no stopping. We got off quickly, got to the gates first and slowed down to get through. Behind us the Boat Buoys went for it flat out, crashed through the gates and overtook us going around the island.
The boat's a blinder
It soon came apparent that Sim, our helmsman, couldn't see where he was going because of the bow (or is it the stern)? Anyway, the front of the boat lifted. So it was down to myself to stand on the front and shout directions.
We went for the tower – a direct hit, which was more luck than judgement. On to the boat. After some manoeuvring, the spikes sunk into the side. Water entered very quickly and we had trouble getting the spikes out again, which nearly sunk us as well. Spikes out, a mad dash for the island. Only seconds in front of the Boat Buoys, but we got there first. It really was a great moment, standing on the island, champagne flying, lifting that coveted Scrapheap cup, fashioned from old bits of tin and carburettor.
This was a fun challenge, working with yet another A1 TC, Sim, and also some terrific competitors, the Boat Buoys. It's a shame someone has to come second; it could have easily been us.
It's been a great privilege and a once-in-a-lifetime experience being chosen to be on Scrapheap Challenge, with a very friendly crew. Working with Robert also has been such fun – we've not forgotten many of those naughty jokes. Lisa's bright and bubbly personality has certainly lifted the show. We consider it a great honour and a privilege to have worked with her and Robert.
Proper job.
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