Author Sally Brampton looks beneath the bluster and inconsistencies of parental behaviour and finds that love trumps all.
It's hard not to fall in love with this lot. Hard, too, not to feel totally frustrated with them. But it's also too easy to rush to judgement about what's right and wrong behaviour when faced with a group of people muddling their way through this thing called life.
Doubtless a bit more consistency from dad Simon wouldn't go amiss, but what matters more is how hard he tries. In an earlier episode, in a voiceover introduction, Simon describes how he vowed never to be like his dad who was all discipline and no cooking (soft, women's work, no doubt), but then suddenly hears his dad's voice coming out of his mouth. He says he hates it when he's like that. It's so touchingly human, and you know, right away, that his heart is so much in the right place.
But kids like consistent rules and boundaries, not as punishing strategies, but because we all like to know where one bit of space ends and another begins. Otherwise we're likely to find ourselves blundering around in the dark. The lurch from being controlling to being indulgent, and the barrage of rules that suddenly spring up - when, a moment before, there were none - drives kids nuts. It's hard for them to know how to behave when doing exactly the same thing provokes two entirely different responses from the adults in their lives. It's hard enough for a teenager to try to find his or her own feet as a person ('Do I go this way or that?') but twice as hard when the great leader keeps barking out conflicting commands.
Dad Simon may shout, he may cajole, but most of all he loves. The kind of confidence kids get from knowing they are genuinely loved is, literally, priceless. There is no better defence in later life against all sorts of emotional disorders. It's like being given a great immune system.
Another great immune system is to be privileged enough to grow up watching two adults enjoy a healthy, happy, loving relationship. Sometimes they have rows but what matters is that they sort them out. Understanding that differences are simply part of being human is so important to kids - but what's really crucial is seeing that they can be lovingly resolved.
Jane, the mum, plays peacemaker to Simon's periodic bluster. She's a quiet, clever woman with good emotional instincts - which sometimes get drowned out by her husband's voice. What's great is that she loves and respects him enough to let him follow his instincts but, when she's had enough, puts her foot down. That's when everyone starts paying full attention. If mum's cross, something really is up. Emily, in her fabulously belligerent adolescent way, moodily starts to consider her behaviour and, eventually, does that teenage crablike scuttle towards her mum to make the peace.
It's love in action. Love is not hearts and flowers and perfect behaviour. That's the Disney version. Love is messy, clumsy and often shows up in disguise. Most of all, love is about allowing people to be truly themselves. Just like the Hughes family.
Sally Brampton was writing about series one, episode five of The Family.
