Little Darlings is a fantastic online booklet produced by Channel 4 to help you develop even better parenting skills.
The online booklet shows how good communication, setting boundaries and building self-esteem are all important factors in helping your children grow up to be confident and secure.
Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.
Kids – Who’d ‘ave ’em?
Becoming a parent is a life event more far-reaching in its impact than falling in love, moving in with a partner or getting married. In fact, once you have children – it’s true to say life is never the same again.
BC – before children – many of us are experts in childrearing. Whether it’s a baby who won’t sleep through the night, a toddler having a tantrum in a supermarket, a schoolchild who can’t make friends, or a stroppy teenager who refuses to do his homework, we have the answers. ‘That child’s spoilt’; ‘What he needs is a good telling off’; ‘It’s because her parents are too soft’; ‘What can they expect if they are so strict?’ we say. Once we are on the other side of the great divide, however, we realise that things are not that simple.
Being a parent calls for the patience and wisdom of a saint and the tactical skills and diplomacy of a world leader. It’s hardly surprising if we sometimes get it wrong. Yet parenting can also be the most fascinating, absorbing and uniquely rewarding job in the world. To be a parent is to experience a special kind of unconditional love that most of us are completely unaware of before having kids. But one thing it isn’t, is easy.
This guide is designed to help make things a bit easier by showing you how you can communicate with your children in such a way that you get more of the good bits and fewer of the bad. You’ll find hints and tips on how to help life run smoother whatever type of family you live in, whether your little darling is a babe in arms or about to fly the coop and whether it’s your first or your fifth.
The suggestions you find here won’t solve all your problems but hopefully they will deal with quite a few and get you thinking about the most effective ways to approach the inevitable ups and downs of family life.
Forget perfect
Rule number One. Forget perfect. There’s no such thing. ALL of us make mistakes. And few kids ever turn out exactly as their parents would have wished, which could be just as well. But like every job there are tricks of the trade that can make life easier once you know how and small changes can often make a big difference.
Your child is unique
Right from birth children are unique individuals with their own inborn temperament, likes, dislikes, skills and abilities all of which will affect their behaviour. Other factors like the size and the type of family (two parents living together, single parent, stepfamily or whatever), your child’s place in your family (birth order) and last, but by no means least, your personality and style of parenting, all come into it too. But while there’s nothing you can do to change what’s given – temperament, family size and type, birth order and so on – you can change the way you parent and in so doing alter the way your kids behave. The trick is to focus on what you can change or influence and forget about the rest. If that sounds like a tall order, worry not. There are some key principles which you can learn – mostly based on good communication. What you won’t find here is detailed information about different ages and stages. That’s first, because there are loads of books out there already. And second, because being dominated by ages or developmental milestones can stop you seeing your child as a unique individual.
At all ages showing love, enthusiasm and pride in your child is the most important thing you can do – all ways of building their self-confidence.
Temperamental traits
To a certain extent how rocky a ride you have depends on your child’s temperament. If you’re blessed with a calm, persistent, placid little angel who sleeps and eats like clockwork, things are likely to be much easier than if your child has a high energy level and doesn’t know the meaning of bedtime.
Knowing and accepting your kids for who they are will help them – and you – to make the most of their personality.
Research shows that temperament is down to how the brain is wired. This means that it’s not your child’s fault – or yours – that they’re the way they are. So don’t waste time blaming yourself.
That’s not to say you can attribute everything to temperament. How you interact with your children whatever their basic traits will have an enormous effect on their behaviour. Children learn how to behave largely by the way you respond to them. If your little darling knows that they will get their own way if they sulk or throw a wobbly, they will milk that for all their worth, as programmes such as Supernanny. It’s vital to set children clear limits and boundaries and stick to them. And if they don’t stick to the rules you have set, you must follow through.
Order, order
Birth order is another factor that can have a big impact on a child’s character because as parents we place different demands on and have expectations of children with different positions in the family.
As parents we tend to dote on Number One. But because we have put so much effort into them we also expect a lot of them and may want them to be perfect, a lesson which firstborns and only ones take on board.
How you react to your child’s moods will have an enormous effect on their behaviour. With numbers two and three we know what to expect and are often far more laid back, which in turn usually leads children in these positions to be more easy going. By the time we reach number four and beyond we’re positively blasé with the result that these later born children are often carefree and strong on charm.
Of course birth order or position in the family isn’t everything. But it can pay to be aware of its effect.
Step into line
If parenting biological children is difficult, being a step-parent can be a minefield. For a start, children may be to-ing and fro-ing between different homes – with different sets of rules. In most non-step families the rules of behaviour tend to evolve over time. In step-families, however, there’s often a sudden regime change. And, of course, as far as the children are concerned, when parents remarry or set up home with someone else, it destroys their often unspoken fantasy that their parents will get back together. It can be challenging to say the least, especially if you have not had children of your own or have never been parent to a girl, boy or teenager before.
In step-families issues to do with behaviour can become weapons in ongoing battles between a child’s parents. If you as a step-parent try to intervene you may be accused of being interfering and tensions can soon build up and explode. This is hard on the children and may cause feelings of insecurity and an escalation of bad behaviour.
Top tips
Talk about it. Be honest and talk about your feelings towards your new partner. Encourage children to express their feelings using reflective listening. Agree the rules. Before you even think of living together, agree on your respective roles and rules and how they will be enforced. Encourage one-on-one time. Find things the step-parent can do – one to one with your child so they can get to know each other. Make time to spend alone with your child. Your child needs to know that he or she still has a special relationship with you. Be patient and persevere. It will take time for your child to get used to the new arrangement.
Stand united
Whatever kind of family you come from your kids are likely to have several carers. Kids can be quick to spot and exploit differences – for example, over bedtime, watching TV or eating sweets – between different carers. This is another reason step-families can be so tricky as the adults involved often bring different rules and values to their new family.
Contradictory messages are confusing and don’t make for harmony. And once they’ve worked out how to divide and rule, they’ll carry on doing it. Your child needs to know that playing you off against other carers such as your partner, childminder, nanny, step or grandparents never works.
Consistency helps children to feel safe and secure, which in turn helps minimise bad behaviour. It also helps them to learn the importance of cause and effect.
This is especially important if you are divorced or separated, when disputes over custody, visits, money, treats and how the other parent lets the child behave can all too easily become battlegrounds between ex-partners.
Research has proved that children’s adjustment to divorce or separation is directly linked to the amount of conflict between their parents, so it is important to make every effort to present a united front.
Of course, parents are only human and there are times when you will get tired, forget or feel so worn down that you give in. What’s more you and your child’s other carers are unlikely to see eye to eye on everything all the time. It’s worth you all agreeing to the basic rules so that your child learns that if someone says, ‘No’, all the grown-ups involved with the child mean it. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up if you fail to live up to the ideal the whole time but try to get back on track as soon as possible. And remember, always try to be consistent in front of your children and back each other up.
Top tips
Agree on age-appropriate rules of behaviour and decide how you will enforce them with your child’s other carers, preferably when your child is not there. That way everyone will be singing from the same hymn sheet.
Don’t argue or fight in your child’s presence and, if you are divorced or separated, beware of using your children as allies, messengers or spies.
Use common sense. It’s not always possible to be perfectly consistent and there may be occasions when it makes sense to bend the rules. However, always make sure that your child knows that this is a special situation. And don’t do it too often!
If you don’t agree on something such as staying over at a friend’s house, for instance, it’s ok to tell your child that you need to talk it over. Children can benefit from seeing disagreements as something that can be worked out as long as you do so calmly and not with a blazing row!
Do as you would be done by
You wouldn’t like it if you were in the middle of an important job and someone came and dragged you off to do something else without any warning. It’s the same for kids. If you want them to behave in a civilised way, you have to treat them as you would any other human being (albeit one who may be smaller). That means being clear and consistent about what you expect and always giving plenty of notice about what you want them to do.
Children don’t come into the world knowing how to behave. If you always shout when you want something, never say please or thank you when someone does you a favour, never tidy up after yourself and always eat your meals on the sofa in front of the TV – you can’t complain if your kids are the same.
Kids learn by what they see around them, so if you want them to behave in a certain way, you must set a good example. If you want your children to be tidy, you need to keep an ordered house. If you want them to be polite, mind your own Ps and Qs. And if you want them to eat and sleep on time, you have to provide them with routine.
Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.
