This section of Little Darlings, the online booklet, is all about rules.
Rules, boundaries and routines
Like a beautiful plant that grows rampant if left untamed, kids run wild if left to their own devices. They need rules to guide them, boundaries to give them a sense of safety and security (and also something to push against!) and routines to give daily life predictability so they can use their time and energy for more important things than food feuds or bedtime battles.
If the term ‘rules’ conjures up images of Victorian parents reigning with a rod of iron and expecting their children to be seen but not heard, think again. All families have rules even if they are unspoken. The trouble with unspoken rules is that they can lead to chaos, anger and confusion because kids don’t know where they stand. Far better to get them out in the open.
Springing a whole set of new rules without any warning can make kids feel insecure and lead to bad behaviour, however. To avoid this, warn them a few days before you intend to set new rules.
Keep reminding them and when the time comes to implement the new regime write the rules down and pin them up somewhere where everyone can see. This approach is advocated in Supernanny. Even if your little ones can’t read yet, you can still display the rules and read them out to them.
Everything is more manageable if broken down so when asking your child to do a task break it down into distinct steps. An older child can have a written tick list to check off. Make sure that your child understands what they need to do by asking questions. For example, ‘So what are you going to do? That’s right, first you are going to pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the linen basket. And then what?’ And so on.
Psychologists have established that it takes 21 days to acquire new habits, so if your child doesn’t respond at first, be patient, and keep reminding your child of the rules and reward them for good behaviour until it becomes automatic.
Rules about rules
Make them clear. Kids need to know exactly what is expected of them, so don’t just bark, ‘Tidy your bedroom.’ Make a list of the steps they need to take to tidy it and go through the points with them.
Keep them simple. Setting overcomplicated rules is asking for trouble. Ideally you should be able to sum up each rule in one short sentence such as, ‘No bouncing on the bed.’ ‘No snacks before meals.’
Fit them to the child. Your child must be able to achieve what you ask otherwise you are setting them up for failure. Tailor your rules to their age and capabilities.
Make sure they are enforceable. Unenforceable rules undermine your authority and set the stage for confrontation. Before setting a rule, think about how you will know if your child has followed it. If you can’t, you need to amend the rule.
Routine stuff
Certain events happen day in, day out – getting up, mealtimes, going to school, going to bed. Yet these very things are often the chief source of mayhem in families. You may think imposing too much routine will stifle your kids. But nothing could be further from the truth. Kids are creatures of habit. They like having clear routines.
Give it time. Everything always takes longer than you think in a family and small children in particular need more time than adults to get dressed, clean their teeth and so on. When setting up a routine, make sure you leave enough time for it. Try to avoid situations where you are constantly rushing them from pillar to post.
Be prepared. Get kids to prepare ahead so that routines are easy to follow. For example, help them to put out their clothes, games kit, cooking things and so on the night before so they aren’t rushing round to find them in the morning.
Help them focus. Most kids are easily distracted so help them focus by reminding them of how much time they have and what they have to do.
Step on it
Stepchildren, especially older ones, may resent or resist any attempts to apply new rules no matter how fair or justified. This can be especially difficult if you are either caring full-time for your partner’s children or if you are insecure and allow yourself to become embroiled in power conflicts with your stepchildren. Bear in mind that it’s normal for kids to test boundaries to check whether rules will be enforced. Be prepared for rebellion or cries of ‘It’s not fair’, and hang on in there.
Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.
