This section of Little Darlings is about making friends.
No matter how clever or talented your child, in the long term their success and happiness will depend a lot on their ability to get on with others. Positive communication skills such as reflective listening and descriptive praise are crucial as they encourage them to think about how their behaviour affects others.
By helping your kids develop good communication skills you help them deal with different social situations. For example, if your little treasure snatches a toy off another child, instead of grabbing it back and yelling: 'You naughty boy. Give it back this second!' you might use positive communication to say something along the lines of:
'Rosie is crying.'
(Description of what is happening.)
'Why do you think Rosie is crying?'
(Getting them to think about the consequences of their action.)
'That's right, it's because you took her toy and now she's feeling upset.'
(Naming Rosie's feelings.)
'What could you do to stop Rosie crying?'
(Showing how your child could ease the situation.)
'Yes, you could give it back and say you're sorry.'
(Feeding back how their action can make the situation better.)
If your child gives back the toy, you could use descriptive praise to reinforce the behaviour, 'Well done! I know you really wanted to play with Rosie's toy but you gave it back to her. That was a kind thing to do.'
Here's another example. Your teenager doesn't want to go on the school trip because she is nervous. You might use reflective listening to say: 'So you've got the opportunity to go to France with the school but you don't want to go because you feel anxious about being away from home/having to speak French.' This could lead into a discussion of strategies to help overcome anxiety – from talking to the teacher at school, to listening to a French tape together, to phoning you from France or relaxation techniques.
In social situations you can help provide the words to use, make sure that your child is communicating effectively, give feedback on how they did and help them develop strategies to resolve problems. In time you want your kids to develop the skills themselves.
Share and share alike
Many scuffles arise from sharing – or rather lack of it. It's no good just telling kids to share.
Little ones, especially, need to learn how. You can help your child by 'brainstorming' possible solutions to problems using positive communication skills.
For example, 'I know you feel frustrated because you want to play with the train set but Tom wants to play with it too. How do you think you could do that? Mmm. That's a good idea. You could take turns. What else could you do? Yes, good suggestion. Tom could play with the red train and you could play with the green train. Or you could find a way to play together with the toys.'
Kids just wanna have fun
There's nothing more heartbreaking than a child who has no friends. More often than not friendless children want to be part of the gang but don't know how to go about it.
Research shows that being able to tune into others' feelings is crucial. To break into a game, for example, a younger child might suggest ways of making the game more fun. You can help by encouraging him or her to think up several suggestions.
A lonely teen may be someone who has never learnt to think about how others feel. Such reflection starts at home. It goes back to the rules about being firm and linking your child's action to the consequence. For example, a teenager constantly shouts, swears at and even hits his mother. Not surprisingly he has no friends. In this situation it is important that the teenager understands the impact of his behaviour on others. Saying something along the lines of, 'I don't like it when you hit me. It makes me feel upset.' – makes a clear link between his behaviour and your reaction. By applying the same technique, you can help your children to develop empathy, an essential skill needed to make friends.
Use occasions like coming back from school or teatime to talk about how their day has gone. Encourage them to reflect on why other children behaved in the way they did, using reflective listening skills. They might also like to hear about what you've been up to.
As with all skills, getting on with others is something that takes practice, so give your kids plenty of opportunities to mix.
Take them to mother and baby groups as babies, and encourage them to join youth clubs, sport or hobby groups as they get older. Inviting other kids back for tea, taking friends on outings or on holiday, all give your child the chance to learn the best ways of mixing well with others.
If you've ever achieved anything, from getting a job that you wanted to losing weight, you'll know that sticking at it is the key. It's all too easy for a slip to become an avalanche and before you know it you're back where you started.
It's much the same with parenting. In these articles we've described some communication and other techniques to help you on your way. But that's not to say that your little darlings will always behave perfectly or that you won't encounter setbacks from time to time. Kids will be kids and there will be times when they will test you to the limit, but with patience and persistence you can succeed. The bonus is that once you learn how to really communicate with your children it will set you up for a rich and rewarding relationship with them that will last for life.
Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.
