This section of the online booklet, Little Darlings, concerns discipline.
It's easy to pick up on bad behaviour, especially if there's a lot of it, and miss the good. Bad idea! It's a basic law of psychology that rewarding behaviour encourages more of the same. And as far as kids are concerned even a negative reward like a ticking off is still attention. So if you want your children to behave well, reward what they are doing right and try to turn a blind eye as much as possible to what they are doing wrong.
That's not to say you should totally ignore bad behaviour (you'll find some ideas on how to deal with it below), just don't reinforce it by trying to pacify or cajole them or pandering to their wishes.
Praise
Praise – aka positive feedback – works 100% better than criticism or carping if you want kids to co-operate. Get into the habit of praising your child throughout the day by showing interest, approval or enthusiasm, for all the things they do well.
But be careful not to go overboard. Overenthusiastic praise can be counterproductive. Imagine if a friend you'd invited for a meal raved on and on about what a brilliant cook you were when all you did was put a ready meal in the microwave. You'd just think they were nuts, insincere or didn't know anything about cooking. Generalised phrases such as 'You are clever,' can be subtly undermining too as your child may think, 'She only thinks that because she's my Mum' or 'I'm not really that clever.'
Far better to use what psychologists call 'descriptive praise' which is akin to reflective listening. It involves describing the praiseworthy deed or act, describing how you felt and the quality it showed. This type of praise helps children learn to appreciate their own strengths and so builds self-esteem.
Praise your child's efforts at every opportunity.
Say your 15 year old has just won the school photography prize. Instead of just saying. 'Well done. You are clever,' try this:
Describe what your child did. For example, 'All that time you spent taking those photos really paid off.'
Describe how you felt. 'When I heard you'd won the photography prize I felt all warm inside. I was really proud of you.'
Describe the quality your child showed. 'It showed real talent and dedication.'
Using descriptive praise in situations that you find troublesome can have an almost magical effect on behaviour. For example, say you have difficulty getting your five year old to school on time, try the following: 'You've fastened your shoes. That's great. Now what do you have to do next? ... Put your coat on. That's right. You did well to fasten all the buttons up. I'm so pleased that we've managed to get out of the house in time to be at school for 9 o'clock.'
Praise isn't the only way to reward good behaviour, although it is one of the most effective. You don't always have to use words of praise. A hug, kiss, a clap or a big pat on the back can all be used to reward good behaviour. Other rewards can include privileges, such as being allowed to watch a particular TV programme, choosing what to have for pudding, having a friend for tea, food treats, or even money.
Remember your child needs to know what you are praising so always link your words to their actions. For example: 'You did really well to sit still so the doctor could look in your ear.'
A trip to the park can be an appropriate reward for a young child's good behaviour.
Rewards are most potent when they appeal to the child so take into account your child's age, temperament, place in the family when thinking of suitable rewards. It's no good rewarding a shy child with the promise of being allowed to go to a party any more than it is promising a raving extrovert with a quiet time alone at home.
Kids behaving badly
The best way to deal with bad behaviour is not to reward it. It's often possible to pre-empt tantrums and bad behaviour by being prepared. For example, if your child is easily over-excited, planning in advance to leave an over-stimulating situation (such as visiting relatives or a birthday party) before it all gets too much, can be a good tactic.
By the same token that incentives help encourage good behaviour, sanctions can discourage bad. The rule is to warn the child verbally and then if they still continue to misbehave to apply the sanction. Sanctions may include taking away privileges such as having a friend to stay, doing something they enjoy or even a fine.
One approach is to encourage parents to start each day by promising their children a pound if they follow the rules. The parent then docks a penny for each incident of bad behaviour, such as shouting, swearing or refusing to do something they have been asked to do. At the end of the day you give them what they have earned by behaving well. Supernanny applies the same principle to younger children by confiscating a toy from the toy box for naughtiness.
Top tips
If you are going to apply sanctions you must be prepared to follow through.
Threatening but not carrying out your threats is worse than useless, as it will actually reinforce the bad behaviour.
Time out
One of the recommendations in Supernanny is to use what experts call 'time out' in the form of a 'naughty' step or 'corner' as a way of disciplining children who behave badly. Time out is an extension of ignoring bad behaviour by removing them from the action and depriving them of attention. It's best used on kids aged two to six. With older kids fines or removing privileges are usually more successful and enforceable.
You'll need to pick a spot such as a corner of the hall, your bedroom, the kitchen or a step on the stairs and tell them this is where they will have to stand or sit if they are disobedient. Make sure it's safe and non-scary – in other words not the bathroom or the cupboard under the stairs and never your child's bedroom.
Once you've picked the spot, if you child doesn't do what you ask within five seconds, issue a warning. 'If you don't do X, you will have to go and sit on the naughty step [or whatever].' If the child still doesn't obey, tell them what you are going to do, making a clear link between their deed and your action. For example, 'Because you didn't do X, you have to go and sit on the naughty step.' Lead your child to the naughty spot without lecturing, telling off or arguing and tell the child to sit or stand still.
Ignore yells, protests or promises to do what you asked at this point. Once your child is sitting quietly, return to the naughty spot and tell them they can return to the room. (Some experts recommend setting a timer with one minute for every year of the child's age.) Now restate your original request. If your child does what you have asked, praise them so they learn what is expected. If the child still doesn't do what you have asked, repeat the time out procedure until they do.
Dos and don'ts of using time out
Do
Be firm, matter of fact and cool.
State simply what is happening and why, so as to keep attention to a minimum.
Follow through – even if your child offers to do what you have asked.
Be prepared for them to resist. It takes time but if you are persistent it WILL work.
Don't
Get into long drawn-out explanations.
Give up before you have carried out the whole procedure. This just gives your child the message that they don't have to comply.
Force them to apologise. The aim is to get them to do what you have asked – not grovel.
Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.
