This section of the Little Darlings online booklet is all about communication.
Families can be noisy places with lots of talking, shouting, yelling, crying and screaming. And that’s just the parents! But just because there’s a lot of noise, it doesn’t mean that there’s any real communication going on. In fact the opposite is often the case. Communication is the foundation of good parenting but it’s easy to forget that it is a two-way business.
Listen up
Good communication is all about listening. And that doesn’t just mean using your ears. Learning to pick up signals that your child is happy, sad, tired, stressed, upset, angry or afraid is just as important as hearing the words they say. You may think you listen to your kids, but do you really? All too often we deny children’s feelings, offer advice, distract or try to shut them up with phrases such as, ‘There’s no need to shout.‘ ‘Here, stop crying, have a biscuit.’ ‘You don’t really mean that. You’re only saying it because you’re angry.’
Such responses can make them even angrier, sadder, more afraid or upset, and undermine their confidence. This in turn can make them bottle up their feelings or express them in other ways, such as tantrums, sulking or rebellious behaviour.
Real listening means paying careful attention to what your kids are saying and showing them that you understand where they are coming from. The reward of what experts call ‘reflective listening’ is that your kids will feel listened to, accepted, understood and are more likely to open up, as it shows that you are on their side. It also helps them learn to deal with difficult feelings and in the long term, to communicate more effectively themselves right into adulthood.
Try reflective listening
If your child wants to tell you something, practise reflective listening using the following approach.
Stop what you’re doing.
Be it preparing the dinner, watching TV, making a ‘phone call or reading the paper, show them you are listening by looking at them. One of the recommendations of Supernanny is that when children are small you should get down to their level so you can look them in the eye. It may help to find somewhere quiet where you can talk away from interruptions or distractions. If this isn’t possible, tell your child a time when you will be available to give them your full attention. This shows them you value what they say.
Acknowledge it.
There’s no need for a long sentence, a simple but empathetic ‘Mmm’, ‘Oh,’ or ‘I see’. You don’t even have to say anything at all. Using body language such as a hug, a touch on the arm or a nod can be just as effective.
Reflect it.
Repeat what your child has said in your own words. This helps to show that you have heard, enables you to check that you have heard correctly and encourages your child to keep on talking.
Name it.
Show you child your have understood their feelings by naming the emotion that lies behind the words, such as: ‘I can see you’re really angry/sad/frightened/frustrated.’ This can be hard sometimes as your child may cry when he is angry or laugh when he is afraid. But don’t worry about making a mistake. If you’ve got it wrong, they will soon put you right.
This kind of listening may make you feel awkward when you first start doing it, but you’ll soon get into it when you see for yourself how well it really works.
Consider the following situation.
The trigger: Your teenager’s younger sister borrowed her new top without asking and it got ruined at a party.
You say: ‘Cheer up. It’s not that terrible. You’ve got plenty of other tops.‘
The outcome: She says, ‘You always take her side, it’s not fair,’ and storms out of the room.
Now imagine what might have happened if instead of responding as you did you had said, ‘Mmm. So X borrowed your new top without asking and now it’s ruined you must be feeling really upset and angry.’
Talk positive
You only have to tune in to parents and children talking to recognise that 9 times out of 10 communication with kids is negative. We blame, accuse, lecture, nag, label, compare and call them names. For example, ‘Come on, hurry up, you’re so slow.’ ‘Pick it up, you naughty boy.’ ‘If you don’t do as I say, now, you’ll get a smack.’ ‘Don’t cry you silly girl.’ ‘You failed your maths test. If you’d revised like Tom you could have got 90%.’
Not surprisingly all this negative talk makes kids feel bad about themselves. They just switch off or decide it’s pointless to try since you clearly think so badly of them. Talking positively means making your expectations clear in such a way that your kids want to cooperate. Above all it’s important to be honest about your emotions, making a clear link between your kids’ actions and how you feel.
Instead of blaming, Try describing
The pay off: Blaming makes your child feel bad about him/herself and distracts from the matter in hand. Describing clarifies what needs to be done and what action they can take. For example, your child left his toys all over the living room floor. Instead of saying: ‘’You don’t deserve to have any toys you’re so untidy’, try: ‘Your toys are all over the floor. You need to pick them up and put them in your toy box.’
Instead of accusing, Try informing
The pay off: Accusing makes your child feel defensive or angry (if it’s a wrongful accusation). Informing them of what they need to do makes it clear what you expect and what they can do about it.
For example, your children never help with the washing up — instead of saying: ‘Why do I always have to do everything? You’re so lazy.’ Try: ‘It would really help me get on so I have time to help with your homework/read you a story if you would help me with the washing up.’
Instead of lecturing, Try keeping it short and sharp
The pay off: Long lectures about what they should do and why are counter-productive, keeping instructions short and specific (a single word can be enough) makes it clear what you require. For example, instead of saying, ‘How many times do I have to tell you to do your homework? You’ll never pass your exams and then you won’t go to university.’ Try: ‘Homework!’
Instead of nagging, Try using humour
The pay off: Going on and on about something is a sure-fire way to turn kids off or make them cross. A bit of humour, however, is a way of deflecting anger and getting through to them. Once your kids can read, writing a note is an easy – and humorous – way to show them what they need to do.
For example, instead of saying, ‘Every single day I have to ask you to pick that bathmat up off the floor.’ Try pinning a note to the bathmat saying, ‘Please pick me up. I get dirty on the floor. The bathmat.’
Instead of labelling, Try expressing your feelings
The pay off: Labelling makes kids feel attacked which puts them on the defensive. Instead of using labels such as lazy, rude, undisciplined, spoilt or whatever, tell them how their behaviour makes you feel, using a phrase such as, ‘When you do X, I feel Y.’ So rather than saying, ‘You’re so rude interrupting me when I speak to you.’ Try: ‘When you interrupt me when I’m speaking to you, it makes me feel angry.’
Communication isn’t just about what you say, it’s also about the messages you convey with your body and in other ways. Eye contact, an encouraging or reassuring touch, hug or smile speak just as loudly as words. Things like your tone and the loudness and pitch of your voice speak volumes too.
Encouraging confidence
It’s usually best to encourage kids to solve their own problems in their own time. Being overprotective or taking over makes them dependent and does nothing to develop confidence. But you still need to know when to step in and help out. Again it boils down to listening carefully to and knowing your own child.
At every age you need to learn to recognise the verbal and non-verbal cues that show your child could do with a bit of support – the eyes filling with tears, quivering lower lip, the deep breath in before a tantrum in a toddler or the banging down the book and the big sigh in an older child.
Encourage them to persist with difficult tasks by showing your confidence in them. For example, ‘Playing the violin isn’t easy. You’ll have to practise lots and lots. But I’m confident that you will do it.’
Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.
