Peep Show

Given the fact he's a World War Two-obsessed, brogue-wearing geek with a deformed scrotum, Mark has seen a surprisingly impressive amount of active service. We pay tribute with a rundown of Mark's Honeys:

Sophie
Sophie is now Mark's wife, but how did the man who once compared her to Poland (‘manageable, won't put up too much of a fight’) actually pull this off? Well, Mark first met Soph in the seething cauldron of passion that is their workplace, the JLB. Despite drawing swastika love on a Post-it and some worries over his abnormal testicles, Mark is on the verge of success until a dirty weekend is interrupted by the possibility that Jez is dead.
Their relationship then takes a nosedive when Sophie realizes Mark's been hacking into her email account. Jeff takes advantage of Mark's indiscretion and moves his own romance with Sophie up through the gears.
However, when Jeff and Sophie acrimoniously split, Mark is on hand to pick up the pieces. And these pieces seem to be falling into place at last - until Sophie gets promoted and moved to Bristol. To solve this problem, Mark decides to propose. A weekend in Somerset, courtesy of the Sunday Times Hotel MegaDeal vouchers, gives him the ideal setting.
Everything is going to plan, until a heart-to-heart with Jez out on the moors clears Mark's mind and he decides to back down. Too late though, because Sophie finds the ring and accepts his effective proposal before he has a chance to even make it, let alone take it back.
Doing what any principled man would do when charged with the feelings of a loved one, he tosses a coin. Heads it is, guiding him to go ahead with the marriage, but only as far as not quite going ahead with it. After all, there’s nothing an old-fashioned jilting at the altar can’t solve.
Of course, although technically free, a jilter pays the price in other ways, as Mark discovers when he is afforded the status of moral leper by his colleagues at JLB.
Nevertheless, a moment of drunken physicality between the still-married couple causes the rupture of ‘Old Meg’ – a once-trusty sheath, on hand for such an emergency. Sophie thinks that Mark has got her right up the duff – and you can see why she would make such a connection.

Valerie
While Jeff is worming his way in with Sophie, Mark gets back to the treadmill with teen goth Valerie who he meets while cramming ice cream into the freezer at a party. This boy has definitely got the moves…
Even an argument over the merits of Peter Gabriel, and the arrival of Sophie with ‘seat-sniffer’ Jeff, can’t smother Mark’s animal magnetism.

April
A shopping trip to the shoe shop stars a long winding road leading back to the El Dude Brother's old Alma Mater Dartmouth University, in pursuit of sex, love and rock and roll. Mark casually swings by the old campus and just happens to bump into April, the shoe assistant of his dreams, who has that intoxicating mix of being insecure and attractive. Unfortunately for Mark, April believes him to be another undergraduate and wants to wait before 'putting out', as it were...

Merry
Mark's quirky old college flame Merry turns up and gives Jez and Super Hans the keys to the pub left to her in her mum's will. Bad idea.
But before they can even get the The Swan and Paedo open, and welcome the public to sample their organic scrumpy, Merry commences the worryingly short journey from kooky to bonkers.
‘She's so hyper, she's probably really good at sex, but there's always the possibility I'll have the toilet seat slammed on my cock for no reason,’ which is reason enough for Mark to decline Merry’s advances.

Sally Slater

With Sophie off in Frankfurt for the Marketing Development Group with former boyfriend Jeff, Mark attends a school reunion. Confronted with the object of his teenage desires – Sally Slater – he seizes the opportunity to try and cop off.
Against all odds – let’s face it, the odds are never great for Mark – and even with Jez offering her his services as a stand-in, Sally is interested enough to want a second date. Amazed that his mate is being such a dirty dog with his sweetheart away, Jez allows Mark to use his boss’ luxury pad as a venue, but their lusty evening is disrupted by the arrival of Mr Slater. That would be Sally’s husband then.

Lucy
Jez organises a stag do for Mark on a canal boat he christens the ‘Stag Aquatic’. After a couple of yards of ale, the pair get to chatting up a couple of sisters, Aurora and Lucy, in a local pub.
A few vodka shots and a low-speed water chase later, and their luck looks to be in. To be precise, Jez’s luck looks to be in – Mark is not so impressed by Lucy. Nevertheless, there’s no aphrodisiac like the promise of a job managing an Indian call-centre from a girl’s high-powered dad, and Mark is soon warming to the whole set-up. Then Jez eats her dog.

Heather
Still reeling from the shock of ditching Sophie at their wedding, Mark is persuaded to join Jeremy on a double date. Get straight back on the horse.
Mark is pleasantly surprised when Heather turns out to be both winsome and – this is clearly the clincher – interested in Samurai culture. As usual, he decides that she’s The One.
Things move smoothly to a second date, after which the couple return to the flat to discover an intruder. In a miraculous show of bravery, Mark tackles the burglar and detains him in an awkward siege situation waiting for the police to arrive. Heroic, maybe, but it’s a mood killer for any girl on a date, and Heather is unimpressed.

Dobby
A mere three weeks after chucking Sophie at her own wedding, Mark returns to JLB. He is met by abuse from his co-workers and increasingly aggressive and erratic behaviour from Sophie. But it’s not all bad, because he meets Dobby, the geeky yet sexually forward IT misfit.
An impromptu bogle with her in the stationery cupboard leads to an unfortunate - albeit pleasurable - mishap. Let’s call this their first date.
As a second, even a traditional night out with the feisty IT girl ends up in a cubicle. Unfortunately for the free and single Mark, his wife stumbles into the cubicle next door with the singular goal of coughing her booze- and drug-riddled guts out. Second date over.
Dobby remains at JLB though, and when Mark discovers her passion for online gaming, it seems more than likely that she’s The One. There appears to be more mileage in this than just a stockroom fumble.

Saz

With his birthday looming and his life slowly withering, Mark’s only option is to go speed dating. After a hopeless evening, his relegation from the gene pool all but assured, he spots Aussie gal Sal at the bar and approaches, brandishing a bottle of lager.
Before you know it, she’s his new flatmate. Not like that, but what with his having kicked Jez out after the whole Cumberland sausage thing, it makes sense. Three days of her shrieking with her mates and shouting at his genitals later, and Mark is regretting his hasty invitation.
Even his birthday party takes a wrong turn when his new housemate wraps herself around none other than Jeff (love rival, nemesis, tit). Mark is once again alone with his thoughts – and Jez.

Natalie
A death in Jeremy’s family (a good death though, so don’t worry) leads to Mark meeting his mum and her boyfriend Martin. A military man – Scots Guards – he and Mark hit it off, and before long there’s talk of their collaboration on the writing of his memoirs.
His dreams of becoming a military historian curdle into nightmares when an evening out with Martin’s daughter Natalie ends in an assault on Mark’s little soldier. Unconcerned by this – after all, nothing actually entered his anus, so where’s the harm – Mark tells Jez, who is outraged, and presses his friend to seek legal assistance.
Cally
Jeremy’s band (Curse These Metal Hands) have a new, capable manager. Even though Cally has already done the rock-and-roll thing with Jez, Mark is smitten. Would you believe – she’s The One?
Some mutual flirting moves things along, and Cally is swept off her feet by Mark’s knowledge of the Christian Rock download market.

Jez is history, and the business-minded couple are soon on a date. All Mark needs to do to seal it is say that he believes in the healing powers of the ancient crystal skulls from Atlantis. Consider it done, although ruthlessly smashing them was less of a good idea, and doesn’t bode well for the new relationship.