Best Ronnie Barker jokes
Updated on 04 October 2005
"In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."
"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow."
"Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said, 'That's a long time ago.' 'I don't know,' the
general replied, 'it's only 20.27 now."
Ronnie Corbett, as an ironmonger: "There you are, four candles."
Ronnie Barker, the customer: "No, fork 'andles. 'Andles for forks!"
As a prisoner in Porridge, when playing monopoly: "Would you Adam and Eve it? Go to jail!"
Again from Porridge: "What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Three things. One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the bastards grind you down."
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