'My 25 year struggle with booze'
Updated on 18 March 2010
Forty five year old recovering alcoholic Sarah, not her real name, describes how her battle against alcohol led to her endangering those she loved.
I had my first experience with alcohol at the age of 12. Cider and blackcurrant. It tasted ok, it smelt sweet, it felt good, and I had a nice warm glow.
I remember distinctly that alcohol allowed me to be anything or anyone. Anyone except who I actually was. With drinking came the awareness of me as a young women and the effect I had on boys and men.
Alcohol lowered my inhibitions. And alcohol was available everywhere.
At the age of 15, I met a guy a few years older than me. He thought I was 18 and working. His parents owned a pub. This is where my drinking career began.
I tried every drink imaginable. I drank to excess, never wanted the party to end. The relationship wasn't to last, probably because of my drinking, dishonesty, cheating, stealing to fund my lifestyle and to hide the fact I was a school girl and not working.
I wasn't old enough at 17 years old to handle it. Alcohol helped me to fit in. I had found the magic formula.
'Depressed but masked it'
I met and married a really nice guy; caring, supportive, loving. I took this man hostage, I thought I loved him but my drinking came first. I was depressed but masked it with drink. It didn't last.
I left my husband and never saw him again. I ran away because I couldn't face my true self - the 23 year old alcoholic.
I was still drinking to excess. Drinking at work with the girls on a Friday night seemed acceptable at that time.
We worked hard and played harder and I was the boss! One night I had too much, went home had an argument with the boyfriend, kicked a glass door and almost cut off my left foot. I was so drunk I didn't realise how serious it was.
I told the ambulance man to put a plaster on the cut so I could carry on drinking. I had an operation the next day. I was in plaster for six months and that didn't stop me drinking.
Another failed relationship and I was on my own again. Although surprisingly my career was taking off. I was getting promoted and enjoying my job.
At this point alcohol wasn't such a problem. I was searching for Mr Right and to be the perfect person; wife, employee, daughter, sister, friend, etc.
Will power
Then I met my second husband and my life seemed to be coming together. We got married, had a daughter, I got promoted. I never drank for nine months during my pregnancy, I wanted a text book pregnancy, birth and baby, my will power was strong enough to get me through that period.
I returned to work full time to my team manager role after three months. I started to take work home to catch up.
Not once did I consider that I had a newborn baby at home. I would prop the baby up with a pillow to feed her while I worked and drank.
Hubby gave me an ultimatum: him or the drink. I went to my GP who suggested a local agency for addictions but it didn't work. I left and got divorced.
Our daughter lived with me half of the week and her father the other half. It worked for us. My ex-husband would turn up at my house, I would usually be drunk and he would take away our daughter and threaten to tell social services about my drinking. He never did.
Putting alcohol first I put the most precious thing in my life at risk and put alcohol first. I would strap by daughter into the car seat and drive whilst drunk and think nothing of it.
Sometimes I would go to the pub after work and forget to pick my daughter up from school.
My GP tried to get me to say I was an alcoholic but I wasn't ready to face facts. I was 34 years old. He said the only hope for me was total abstinence.
During this time I met my current husband. He was my carer. My illness progressed - alcohol now controlled me. I started to drink in secret, lie, cheat, steal, sold my soul to the devil, anything to get a drink. I was desperate.
At 39 years old I fell pregnant. I was shocked. I thought this would stop me drinking - after all my first pregnancy did. So I stopped counselling and hoped my will power wouldn't let me down.
Unfortunately, I could not stop drinking. In fact my drinking got worse, I was terrified. I read up about alcohol during pregnancy but it didn't stop me.
Horrified
I worried for the whole nine months and when my second daughter was born in 2003 she was 5lb 4oz. A tiny, tiny frame.
I was horrified that I could have done this by my drinking. I felt guilt, shame, remorse - how could I live with myself if there was anything worse to come, I would rather die.
The baby was checked and she was fine, I was relieved. So relieved that I went and downed some champagne.
For the family the baby was a celebration, for me it was an excuse to drink. Two months later, I rang the Alcoholics Anonymous helpline.
If you ask me if the price of alcohol would have effected my ability to drink it, I would say that it didn't.
No matter how expensive alcohol was per bottle, I would have found a way of drinking it. It is the nature of alcoholism. I was able to pay for it and I did.
When I looked back, I can't believe I would put my children at risk by strapping them into the car whilst I drove drunk or not knowing if my young daughter had been fed or put to bed, changed.
But it is in the past. I have been sober for five years. I am now 45 years old and very grateful to be alive.
