Oakenfold Featuring Pharrell Williams 'Sex 'n' Money (Perfecto)
Basement Jaxx 'Take Me Back To Your House' (XL)
Klaxons 'Magick' (Polydor)
Panic! At The Disco 'I Write Sins Not Tragedies' (Atlantic)

For the dance category, we've dolled Simon up in fluorescent yellow leggings and given him a Gatecrasher-style punk hair-do. Here's how his protégés got on. Pharrell Williams is an undisputed pop genius and Oakenfold gets credit for producing Happy Mondays best album. But this is derivative shite. Basement Jaxx are similarly some way off their previous highs. This is like watching an aging footballer wheezing all over the pitch. There's even some 'Cotton Eye Joe' bango. Why? Bringing the dance category into this century, we have the Klaxons. The band's undoubted live appeal doesn't really come through on this single, but that might just be because our happy pills haven't kicked in yet. Panic! At The Disco aren’t dance music at all, we just got confused by the name. Here, their overly sincere emo-musings take a poppy outing with plaintive plucky strings and talk of gothic stuff like churches. They want to be the new Radiohead apparently. Gawd 'elp us.















Avant 'Lie About Us' (Universal)
Alesha 'Knock Down' (Polydor)
Nikola Rachelle 'Don't Talk About This Love' (Awal)

This week, Simon has also been looking after the R'n'B category and is all blinged-up and pouring cognac on the floor. Mind you don't slip, Simon. Penned by Beau Dozier - son of the legendary Motown songwriter and bedfellow of Joss Stone - Avant's record is a wet fish of a tune that papa Dozier would do well to pick up and slap his errant son round the chops with. Alesha, on the other hand, has been a good girl and is our new best friend! The former Mis-teeq MC is back with a Lily Allen-esq slice of reggae-infused pop that should (and we mean should) catapult her back to the top of the charts where she belongs. Last up is Nikola Rachelle. She's the little sister of Natasha and Daniel Bedingfield. So ashamed of them is she, that she's changed her name. You can’t blame her. The songs sounds OK too.














Jamiroquai ‘Runaway’ (Columbia)
Tenacious D 'The Pick Of Destiny' (SonyBMG)
Depeche Mode ‘Martyr’ (MUTE)
Moby feat. Debbie Harry ‘New York New York’ (MUTE)
Yusuf Islam 'Heaven/Where True Love Goes' (Polydor)
The Good, The Bad, The Queen 'Herculean' (Parlophone)

Also this week, Sharon is looking after the Over 35s – a rag-bag army of genuine legends, fogies, hypocrites and recovering addicts. Sharon should get on with them like a house on fire. And she knows a few things about houses on fire (boom, tish!) Jamiroquai used to channel his monotonous brand of jazz-funk into making the world a better place. Now he just churns out identikit disco bullshit to fund his gas-guzzling car habit. Hey Jay, if you like fast cars, I think Richard Hammond has just left one lying around. Jack Black: funny films, but you can count the number of genuinely funny ‘comedy’ records on one mutilated hand. And this ain’t one. Dave Gahan and his Depeche Mode chums have had some great career highs. And we’re sure they’ll have another one soon. Not just now, though. Moby, meanwhile, has roped in Blondie legend Debbie Harry for an ode to the city that made her famous. Unfortunately the song they came up with has room for only one syllable and New York has two. Schoolboy error! It's been 28 long years since Yusuf Islam last troubled the charts, as Cat Stevens. In the interim, he's become a Muslim, changed his name and been refused an entry to the US, despite being the mildest man in pop. This track may not prompt a multi-religious love-in and the cessation of war, but it's a start. As Yusuf himself says, "You can argue with a philosopher, but you can't argue with a good song." Amen to that. Damon Albarn is back with his latest project. The world holds its breath to see what the Blur and Gorillaz genius will do next… then lets it out with a sigh. This is to say that it's 'alright'.








But what’s the single of the week…