Posh's Hollywood plans...

At last it seems that Victoria Beckham has come to her senses and realised where her future lies. For years and years and bloody YEARS she'd been hanging on - and, occasionally, banging on - about wanting to sing, or make dresses, or be a nice wife or a good mum and, let's be honest, they've all turned to sacks of shit, so it is with real happiness that I see she's finally found a role that suits her talents.

Being 'Moron 1' in a film that half-pint little freak Tom Cruise is making about his beloved, alien-worshipping crank-fest, Scientology.

You see, what could be more alluring than the idea of Veck-toy-uh stumbling over a load of terrible lines, her finger following every word of the script, while Tiny Tom leaps up and down behind the camera desperate to get a look through the lens? Like, where do I sign?!

Anyhow, tittle-tattle merchants in the paid employ of VB have blabbed, "Victoria is really hoping to make a go of it in Hollywood. This could be the perfect start for her, with good pal Tom Cruise."

You know what, I almost feel sorry for her. Apparently, the bean-pole twonk would play an alien princess of an alien leader called a Thetan, which Scientologists claim is an immortal spiritual being, present in all humans.

Oh, hang on, no I don't! Ha! Haha! Hahahaha! I hope the costumes fit nicely!

Ggggrrraaaaagghhhhh!