Kerry's blues

Morning! I was feeling really, really bad earlier. It all got a bit on top of me yesterday - gragh - I wasn't feeling myself - ggrraghh - and, between me and you - gggrrraaagghhh - when I saw Nadine and co. tottering around in high heels and miniscule school girls outfits, well, oh Jesus, everything went red then black, then I woke up in hospital with a Donna from 'Casualty' lookalike in a uniform two sizes too small reaching over me to check my 'stats'.

Ggggrrraggghhhhhhh!

Happily, I now feel a lot better! Much, much better than that 'are you still here' mini-Kiev 'celeb' Kerry Katona and her 'taxi driver' husband do, anyway. I read with growing elation that my Favouritist Woman In Britain* has revealed her Valentine's Day wedding will be "a very lonely affair", with only the two of them, her miserable, pillar-to-post dustbin lids and a random witness pulled in from the street likely to be present.

Kerry says she doesn't have anybody to invite. My heart bleeds. No, really it does. Oh no, hang on, it doesn't, does it! I just used that line on Christina Ricci when I was trying to get a look down her blouse.

"Originally I wanted a big showbiz wedding," claimed tragedy magnet Katona, "but since I don't speak to my mum any more, things have changed. I really just want to keep things private because I've got no friends or family."

Well, that's not wanting to keep things private, is it? You just don't have any choice, do you? God, I feel so much better! And here comes Donna to change my bed pan!

Ggggggrrraaaggghhhhhhhhh!

*Or possibly not.