Protocol No.1: Be nice to the support band, even if it’s a dwarf!
(Exception: When they are very rubbish.)
John: You should always be nice to the band supporting you. We’ve been the support band so many times ourselves and we know it makes a real difference when the headline band treats you with some respect.
Steve: But if they are really properly rubbish you do have to get on stage and kick them off.
Dom: We had a midget Elvis as our warm up for us once at one of our London shows, he was great, we’d have him back.

Protocol No.2: Know what to expect in your dressing room!
Dom: Litres and litres of vodka.
John: Sofas facing South, and lots of girls.
Steve: White kittens.
John: All we do get really is a crate of beer and just the one sofa. We all sit together on the same sofa in our dressing room.

Protocol No.3: Know when to wear make up and how long to spend doing your hair!
Dom: It takes me no time at all to do my hair.
John: It takes me about two hours to do mine, I take enough time for all of us.
Steve: We don’t wear any make up on stage though. We’ll save the full face of make up for the third single perhaps.

Protocol No.4: Know what not to say on stage!
Steve: You should never say anything bad about the headline band or say that you’re in a different town to the one you’re in.
John: Yeah, you don’t want to be saying "Good evening Bognor!" when you’re playing Glasgow.

Protocol No.5: Get the groupie's name before 'doing it' with her!
John: Well you should find that sort of thing out of course, it’s just polite isn’t it? It’s a manners thing.
Dom: Should you? Yes. But do we? No comment.
Steve: We don’t have groupies anyway. The closest thing we’ve got is our parents, and there’s no way we’re going to be mixing them up with groupies.

Protocol No.6: Don’t shag people in other bands!
(Exception: Girls Aloud.)
John: Sex with people in other bands? No way, we wouldn’t.
Dom: Most people in other bands are men anyway so we definitely wouldn’t want to be having sex with them.
Steve: But things might be different say, if we were on tour with Girls Aloud, if that was the case then you should definitely be having sex with people in other bands, or that particular band at least.

Protocol No.7: Leave badmouthing others to The Darkness, Charlotte Church et al!
Steve: I don’t like saying bad stuff about other people. What’s the point? You’ve got to have the bad stuff otherwise there wouldn’t be anything good.
Dom: I like some really good trash, the Dead Or Alive record is an example of some really good trash, and yeah, probably Girls Aloud too, great trash.
John: I don’t really bother listening to people who are just bad mouthing other people for the sake of it.

Protocol No.8:Always play an encore!
(Exception: When the audience are already leaving.)
Steve: If I’ve been to see a band play for an hour and a half I’m going to want an encore.
John: That happened to us recently actually, we'd gone off stage and were waiting to go back on but people just started leaving and going home. We could hear them doing up their zips and ordering taxis and stuff. We just had to forget it and leave it there, even though we had loads more planned.

Protocol No.9: Know when the time is right to do reality TV!
(Exception: When your name is Preston.)
John: I was really surprised to see Preston in there, because the Ordinary Boys are quite an established band.
Dom: I heard on the radio this morning that the Ordinary Boys’ sales had gone up 400% but I don’t think it's people who like the music who are buying it, it will be people watching Big Brother and who fancy Preston.
Steve: I don’t think we’d ever go on reality TV, if we’d got the call to ask any of us to go on then we wouldn’t have done it, but I think that going on Big Brother will be really amazing for the Ordinary Boys, I think they’ll find a new generation of fans, but some of their die-hard’s might be a bit put out.

Protocol No.10: Don’t do it with Jodie Marsh!
(Exception: None.)
John: No one should ever have sex with Jodie Marsh ever. Never ever. Is that meant to be a nose? I can’t believe anyone would ever pay for that.
Dom: She’s just making an idiot of herself on Big Brother, did you see her trying to take the piss out of George Galloway? Making out like he wanted to be Prime Minister, she’s just so stupid. She’s not doing herself any favours in there.

Protocol No.10 (and a half): … But try and do it with Kate Moss!
Steve: Kate Moss is a different matter entirely. You’d have to have a go wouldn’t you.
John: Yeah but she’s been with Doherty, you’d have to double-bag it before you put it anywhere near her.
Dom: Yeah, you don’t want to be going anywhere near Doherty’s sloppy seconds do you?
John: I don’t want to do anything with anyone’s sloppy seconds to be honest with you.

Us neither! Let that be a lesson for us all!


'Where's The Pleasure' is out on January 23 on Universal records.

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