13:39: We've missed the start of the BBC's coverage due to being in the pub round the corner. This is already a fiasco!

13:42: Jo Whiley is with Dido. "It actually just feels really good," reveals The Didester, who has been to Africa. "So many things went through my head when I came back," she says. Sadly one of those things was not a big spike.

13.44: Ooh, the BBC are doing a 'recap' of other great music from around the world. So far, it seems Die Toten Hosen have been noisily mediocre in Berlin, Mohatella Queens in Jo'Burg are an African Cheeky Girls tribute act.

13:47: Light, creamy and spreads easily: Graham Norton is in Philadelphia. He has put together a 'package' about the city (which seems like some sort of attempt to justify claiming back the expenses for a day's sight seeing) and is interviewing Def 'Def' Leppard. They appear to be in a pub. A ripple of excitement breaks over us like the forewarning of something terrifying.. BUT WHERE IS JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?!?!

13:51: Video package ends, and cuts back to Norton, who misses his cue and stares gormlessly at the camera for ten hilarious seconds. Dear BBC, can we please have more of this HILARIOUS man on our screens?

13:52: Jon Bon Jovi crops up. Our excitement wilts like a rare and exquiste orchid in a blast furnace.

13:53: Slashmusic office erupts with groans at the first glimpse of Fearne Cotton.

13:54: Slashmusic office erupts with groans at the second glimpse of Fearne Cotton. Cotton is backstage here at this amazing, star-studded event, and manages to spot... ULRIKA JOHNSSON! But wait, viewers, because there's more. It's Ronan Keating! "What a buzz," Ronan says. "Just to be a part of it..." Which is the first we've heard that Keating is a part of it. "Is this going to be like Live Aid?" she asks someone in the audience. Yes, probably Fearne, sweetheart. What with it being a big gig organised by Bob Geldof at which Paul MacCartney, Madonna, Elton John and U2 are set to appear.

13:54: The bloke from The Kumars is here. He makes a gag about Indian cheese and mentions that today might be a little like Live Aid. Which was 20 years ago, apparently.

13:57: Jo Whiley is looking forward to "The Killers and Razorlight". What a strange little world she lives in.

13:58:"That legendary day 20 years ago today!" whimpers Jonathon Ross.

14:01: The BBC are showing the highlights from Live Aid.

14:03: That didn't take long!

14:06: U2 are on stage! And they are performing with Paul 'Sir McCartna' McCartney! They are doing 'Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' because there is a line in it about something being twenty years ago - JUST LIKE LIVE AID!!!! It is brilliant!

14:08: In 'you really couldn't make it up' news, the final 'Beautiful Day' chorus prompts hundreds of white doves to be released into Hyde Park.

14:09: Somewhere in Cornwall, Damon Albarn is complaining about the lack of black doves.

14:11: Someone in the crowd catches a cameraman's eye. They are waving a banner which reads, 'WOW BOB IT'S HUGE'. Now we're no prudes here at Slashmusic but surely this historic day is not the time or place to be discussing Bob Geldof's huge, throbbing, um hair.

14:13: The Edge looks terribly hot in that hat.

14:14: "This is a rock 'n' roll show!" blares Bono as The '2 launch into 'Vertigo'.

14:18: Bonio is talking about not being able to fix every problem - adding that it's important that we do fix the problems we can fix. Tell us about it - the Slashmusic air conditioning's been broken for three weeks now. BUT SERIOUSLY: he knows how to inspire a crowd, does that Bonio.

14:19: You know, looking at him, you'd think he'd just gone down the shops to get a pint of milk and a Fray Bentos. Clearly it is not just the world's financial bigwigs who have failed to learn from the mistakes made twenty years ago. CALL THE EMERGENCY STYLIST!!! Is that asking too much? More than a lot?

14:20: Ooh, they're doing 'One'. (No costume change, FYI.) They've done some good songs, have U2. Much as we're bored to tears of hearing about it from every 'real music' fan on the planet. But today is about the power of 'real music' to make a 'real difference' to 'real people'.

14:23:'One' finishes by seguing into Gareth Gates' classic 'Unchained Melody'. Because we must 'unchain' the Third World from the 'tunelessness' of trade restrictions etc and make the whole world 'melodic'.

14:28: On the BBC coverage, Sting is going through the official programme and saying how good Sting is going to be (?!?). He is sitting there with his wife, who 'spookily' is an ex-pupil of one Slashmusic staff member's old English teacher. It makes you realise just how small this world is, and how in a way we are all neighbours in this 'global village'.

14:31: Keane are being interviewed by Jo Whiley, explaining that Richard Curtis (off of Comic Relief) has been a Keane fan since the early days, which seems fairly appropriate.

14:34: Time for some brilliant music! And time for Coldplay, who come on and do 'In My Place', which is their best song although today, like any other day, it still screams out for an arms aloft pills-'n'-poppers remix.

14:36: To prove what a sense of humour he has, Chris Martin From Coldplay sings a bit of Status Quo's 'Rocking All Over The World' over the top of 'In My Place'. Not just hilarious - topical too!

14:39: The best song in the world is being sung by the best singer in the world. A singer who, until one minute ago, was remembered by approximately twelve 36-year-olds in Wigan. Richard Ashcroft clearly cannot believe his luck at being invited to perform 'Bittersweet Symphony' with Coldplay.

14:41: It's amazing, really, that in the three years since anybody cared about Richard Ashcroft, nobody has taken him to one side and suggested a haircut.

14:42: 'Bittersweet Symphony' is grinding its way through an ill-conceived, ad-libbed middle section.

14:43: BBC cameramen pick out a homemade 'Make Poverty History' banner in the audience. Nice sentiment and all that, but is this the most pointless banner in the history of waving things in the air?

14:45: Chris Martin declares Live 8 to be "The best thing ever organised in the history of the world". He clearly didn't see the Slashmusic team managing to get packed up and out of the Glastonbury carpark by 8am last Monday.

14:51: Time for a fag.

14:55: Fearne Cotton's back with the crowd. Someone thinks U2 were quite good. Someone else is looking forward to Madonna. We're actually quite looking forward to Madonna here in the Slashmusic office. Someone else says that they saw Live Aid on TV twenty years ago, and always dreamed of being at another one. Eh? She dreamed that twenty years later global poverty would still be such an issue that it would be necessary to put on Live Aid 2? Hm, slightly selfish.

14:59: Lou & Andy from 'Little Britain' come on and do a toilet gag, during which, thousands of miles away, five or six African children die. Rather like their toilet gag.

15:00 Elton John is bloody great. And you can quote us on that. He also has the same bloke playing guitar that's been with him for, like, a billion years. The official Slashmusic baby - Scrappy - appears to love Elton John and claps and yelps all the way through.

15:03 'Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting' is, at a rough estimate, about four million times better than 'Bittersweet Symphony'. ARE YOU LISTENING, CHRIS MARTIN? DO YOU FEEL STUPID YET?

15:05 Where's Pete Doherty?

15:06 Here's Pete! He's joining Elton on Marc Bolan's 'Children Of The Revolution'! Pete has wierd stuff on his eyes. Oooh! True, he can't actually sing, but at least he doesn't look all fat and folorn any more. We discuss whether Elton's had, "the chat" with Pete about knocking the gear on the head. For the first time today, the event feels lively. And we like it!

15:10 It occurs to us that Kiki Dee is probably sat at home spitting at the TV, calling Doherty all sorts.

15:12 Travis are being interviewed. They 'reveal' they will play, 'Rain'. Great! We're on the edge of our bleeding seats waiting for that.

15:13 We cut to Tokyo! It looks... Not good. Well, only because we can't flaming STAND Bjork.

15:16 Jo Whiley interviews Vernon Kaye! Next week, tune in for Comedy Dave interviewing Scott Mills! This is nonsense. "Coldplay and Richard Ashcroft!", yells Vernon. "My life is complete!" Complete what?

15:18 Bob Geldof is here! He's introducing Bill Gates! Bill's told Bob he's RIGHT about stuff and Bob LIKES IT! Gates, lovely as he probably is - although we prefer Macs - has no place at a rock show. He looks like a suburban dad waiting to pick up his teenage daughter and her friends. One of whom he fancies so much it makes his eyes hurt. Yes, just like in American Beauty.

15:21 Dido. Time for a fag.

15:28 Back from the fag break to see Dido perform with actual Africans! Brilliant!

15:30 It's 'Seven Seconds'! We used to like this one. A child in the audience lifts her tiny arms aloft as Youssou Ndour sings. Blub!

15:33 Singing in foreign is great in the same way that black and white films are great, ie, it makes you appear clever without any need to actually do anything.

15:35 Official Live 8 Wife reckons Dido is the best thing yet. Live 8 baby walks for the first time!

15:37 Walliams and Lucas are back, out of 'character'. It's a lovey-love love fest gone mad.

15:40 Jo Whiley interviews Nick Mason from Pink Floyd. He's the most English person ever. They're not getting back together, no. Well, not apart from tonight.

15:42 Stereophonics. Not much sign yet of their, 'electro' leanings. Somewhere in Wales a fat bloke with diabolical hair unleashes a single wet, disconsolate fart and weeps into his pint.

15:43 Today's theme becomes clear. Try to squeeze someone else's lyrics into your song. Kelly Jones does Motorhead a 'favour' by quoting from 'Ace Of Spades'

15:46 'Dakota' is still great. Despite the band screwing up the intro.

15:50 Slashmusic man in audience emails to ask if we could possibly wake him up when Madonna comes on.

15:51 Hang on, is this Bryan Adams?

15:54 We still like, 'Local Boy In The Photograph', but this version is a trifle ropey. Sorry Africans! "Thanks for coming down," mutters Kelly Jones, like everyone here had sweated blood just to see them. TAKE YOUR SUNGLASSES OFF AND WAKE UP, YOU FOOL!

15:59 Jeremy Clarkson mentions how great it is to have another one of these concerts. Jonathon Ross points out that, actually, it's a bit of a shame, to say the least, that we have to bother. Well remembered, Wossy.

16:00 Angelina Jolie (gggrraaggghhh!) is at The Eden Project. An actual African woman sings to a crowd of, about, fifty. Happy now, Albarn?

16:06 Ricky Gervais is brilliant. Until he does, 'the dance'. Which was rubbish. And REM are not 'beautiful', by any stretch of the imagination, Gervais.

16:06 Michael Stipe. Mate! That eyes thing just looks silly. Has no one tried to tell you?

16:06 'Everybody Hurts'. Blub!

16:14: A middle aged man in the crowd - with actual tears in his eyes - bellows the words into his poor wife's ear. We thought there was meant to be no booze on site? He's clearly leathered.

16:18: We're too busy trying to work out whether Stipe's blue head band is mean to distract from his bald pate.

16:18.30: Actually, what do you think a blue headband signifies? Maybe it's something even more important than the issue highlighted by a white wristband. But what could be more serious than making poverty history? Not much, really. Hm...

16:19: The BBC cut away from REM so Fearne Cotton can ask Razorlight if they feel any pressure. And carry on asking them about their new album! Length of interview: one minute. Deaths from extreme poverty while we hear about Razorlight's forthcoming tour dates: 20. We imagine that REM and their management won't be too thrilled about the band's few precious minutes on stage getting interrupted by the witless Cotton asking Borrell about his new album. Dear BBC, we demand an explanation!

16:22: REM. Actually good lads.

16:24: Ricky Gervais is back in 'the pod'. He appears to be the only sane man in here.

16:25: Fearne is talking to The Killers. They are so toured out they can barely speak. Fearne asks if their parents told them about Live Aid. Like, perhaps, they had nothing better to do. Brandon and Dave Killer look like they'd rather die than say one more word, so they just giggle and look at the floor. This is the stuff, Ms Cotton!

16:26: Fearne continues asking The Killers how they could possibly choose one song to perform "out of all your amazing hits". Amazing or not, The Killers have only had four hits, and two of those ones sound the same.

16:32: Woo! Kofi Annan's on stage! What's he going to sing? Oh. He's thanking Live 8 on behalf of the poor, the voiceless and the weak. What's Melanie C got to do with this?

16:32: Ms Dynamite appears. DEAR BBC, this is the point when you cut to Razorlight. Something goes wrong with the sound just as MsD is walking on stage, so she apologises politely to the audience. After her first song she mentions the 50,000 people who die each day, which is a bit more than the 20,000 Razorlight estimated in their own interview. Or the 30,000 Coldplay have been talking about. MAKE INNUMERACY HISTORY!! Either way, a bit of a rum old do, we're sure you'll agree.

16:37: Ms D is doing 'Redemption Song'. A bit of the start of it sounds like Boyzone doing 'Father & Son'. We wish it was Boyzone doing 'Father & Son'. That's how bad this is.

16:41: BBC cut back to Graham Norton in Philadelphia for the exciting news that there's not really much happening yet but that the Kaiser Chiefs are quite nervous.

16:44: McCartna is receiving the worst interview of his life at the hands of Fearne Cotton. McCartna reckons that 50,000 people die each day.

16:46: "Is everybody happy?" booms the PA system. "Well this will make you happier - it's Keane!" Tom appears on stage and howls "LLLLIIIIIVVVVEEEEE EEIIIGGHHTHTTTTTTT!!" before launching into 'Somewhere Only We Know'. You can hear 150,000 people singing along. That's quite a nice thing.

17:00: Bob Geldof introduces Will Smith. Never, in all our lives, did we imagine the bloke who did 'Summertime' would have a hand in saving the world. Outside of rubbish films. "This is the biggest global event in the world! It's bigger than the Superbowl!" he howls. "The what?" asks the rest of the planet, scratching its collective bottom. "Is that something to do with basketball?"

17:02: Claudia Schiffer appears in Berlin. Hurrah!

17:03: Will Smith bangs on about American rubbish for a bit. Then he says, "Mass-cow", meaning "Moscow". He clicks his fingers every three seconds to remind us how all these people are dying which, sadly, only goes onto remind us how much of the day has been spent watching Fearne Cotton commit career suicide live on TV.

17:09: "Ladies and gentlemen... TRAVIS!" :(

17:11: They appear to be accompanied by the clanging chimes of doom.

17:12: We think a fag is in order...

17:22: Travis are still on. This is, ahem, a TRAVESTY. Thanks.

17:23: Bob Geldof is back. He's going to play a song. Ooh, could it be 'I Don't Like Mondays'? Yes it could! Do you think he's bumped someone to get on?

17:26 This middle bit's a bit long, Bob. We like your 'Dylan' cap though. Very protest. Perhaps Fearne Cotton coulds ask you about it?

17:28 Fearne's talking to Midge about Bob. "He was terrible," Midge jokes. "Not a fan then?" she asks, missing the joke completely. Midge then tells a geniunely moving story about dying children. "Enjoy yourself today!" yelps Cotton. Can we not have this woman dealt with?

17:30 George Alagiah is in the house! We love George. No one asks him about what he was doing 20 years ago today. This is a real bonus for us all.

17:35 Wow! Brad Pitt! He seems to think it's 30000 Africans who die every day. Not 20000, Razorlight! Not 50000, Ms bloody Dynami-tee-hee! It's 30000. "This is who we are," emotes Brad, introducing Annie Lennox. Oh, not now! We've only just had a fag! We don't want another one yet! Anyway, she is accompanied by a film of people dying from AIDS and starvation. We temporarily forget about what an arse Fearne Cotton is. We are sure it won't be for long.

17:42 People across the telly watching world vacillate between thinking about their dinner and nodding to La Lennox's heartfelt caterwauling.

17:43 Speech time! "We cannot be ignored! This is a just and righteous cause! We will make. Poverty. History!" Cue bad song :(

17:46 (Taps desk, waits for 'Sweet Dreams')

17:49 Ooh! 'Sweet Dreams'! It's not as good as we remembered. And where's Dave?

17:53: Black Eyed Peas appear from 'Philly'. There's one and a half million people watching them. That's a lot of piss and shit to go in those chemical toilets.

17:59: The BEPs are doing a lot of, "Put your hands up in the air!"-type business, and Justin Timberlake has absolutely not come on for the chorus of 'Where Is The Love?'. Where is the point?

18:02: We 'go live' to Berlin, where Green Day are doing their Busted tribute, 'American Idiot'. As is quite clear this is a Very Important Politicial Statement. How punk rock, and so on.

18:03: Because Green Day are so very punk rock and so on, they are the first group to say the word 'fuck' to billions of viewers around the world. Woooo! They're so hard!

18:05: Back in London, Jonathan Ross mentions the fact that UB40 are up next (MAKE A CUP OF TEA! GO FOR A BATH! DO ANYTHING BUT WATCH THE TV!!!) and goes live to Fearne Cotton, who is still in the star-studded backstage area. Cotton has really outdone herself this time - she's found Davina McCall! Jesus wept.

18:07: Viewers, we hope you apprecatiate the fact that we're watching UB40. And we're doing it so you don't have to. Yes, it's fine. You lot just go down the shop and get some beers in or something, we'll just wait here with only Ali Campbell's troupe of over-the-hill beat merchants for company. Although, controversially, the band have chosen to play their good song, so we should perhaps be thankful for small mercies.

18:12: The good one's going on a bit.

18:16: 'Red Red Wine'.

18:17: Bloody hell, we need a drink. Can someone go to the off licence for us, please? There is important world saving to watch on the telly.

18:18: Anyone?

18:18.5: Brilliant, thanks. Yes, it's just down the road. Go out of the office, turn right, walk up the road until you get to Somerfield, and either get the booze in Somerfield or walk a few more doors up the road and the offy is on the right. What do we want? Good question. It's probably a bit early to start on the gin, isn't it? Just get what you want and we'll have some of that.

18:20: One member of Team Slashmusic reappears after having spent an unusually long time buying cigarettes (we think they've been shopping in London's Fashionable Chelsea, but are too polite to ask) and announces: "Fucking hell, I can hear UB-fucking-40 blaring out of the window halfway down the street!". Just be grateful you're not in Hyde Park, pal.

18:23: Annie Lennox is being interviewed by Jonathan Ross and is absolutely brilliant. Good old The Lennox. In the background, you can hear about 60,000 people singing along with Bon Jovi's 'Livin' On A Prayer', which is pumping out of the Hyde Park PA system. Perhaps they should have just hired a mobile DJ out of the Yellow Pages and got him (or - it's the 21st Century - her) to do the gig instead.

18:26: Robbie Williams, buzzing on no more than the adrenaline rush of being at this huge and brilliant event, is chatting up Fearne Cotton in another neverending backstage interview. You can't help but wonder whether our time, as viewers, might be better spent watching music. Like, if there had been several other Live 8 events today, they could have inserted footage from those into the gaps left while bands changed over in Hyde Park. If only there had been several other Live 8 events today, eh?!?! And actually, shouldn't The Killers have been on by now? Have they actually done their song and not been broadcast on TV? If they have, there is going to be trouble.<

B>18:36: Snoop swears! And does 'Signs'! This is brilliant!

19:08: Bob comes on and does his bit, which involves showing a picture of a dying kid and then bringing on the same kid who didn't die at all due to all the brilliant money everyone gave to Live Aid. It's a bit like that bit in the Band Aid 20 video, actually. After a lot of huffing and puffing, Bob brings on "The Queen Bee of rock..."...

19:13: ...MADONNA! "Are you ready, London? Are you ready to start a revolution? Are you ready to change history?" SORT OF!!! Madge has got a choir for 'Like A Prayer', and proceeds to drag the lady who didn't die in Ethiopia twenty years ago around the stage. The Lady Who Didn't Die looks chuffed but a bit bemused, as you would be.



19:20: After 'Like A Prayer', Madge thanks some people, and then says, "...so I'm going to ask you again: are you fucking ready, London?" Woo! Swearing! This is great! Maybe she'll do a Mexican wave in a bit!

19:21: Or, as it turns out, 'Ray Of Light'.

19:24: Madge begins to scream unpleasantly, heralding the arrival of two men who jump around a bit on stage. There follows an ill-advised (but she's Madge so she doesn't do advice, ill or otherwise) 'block party' bit as 'Ray Of Light' grinds to a halt, followed by a brilliant intro bit for 'Music' (featuring a snatch of 'Into The Groove'). This is great! This almost makes up for all that Razorlight business earlier!

19:26: Of course, in a sense, 'Music' is the perfect anthem for Live 8. If you take 'music' as being Live 8, 'the people' as the G8 leaders and 'come together' as 'decide to drop the debt because it only seems fair and after all if they decide quickly they can all knock off early and go to the pub'. To be honest, that's all it needed - someone to tell G Club 8 that the sooner they made a decision, the sooner they could go out and play golf. Edinburgh can be lovely at this time of year - they could have gone for a picnic, or a game of rounders or something in the park.

19:30: Madge's set climaxes with about a million dancers on stage, and she bollocks the 'Golden Circle' ticket holders for not singing along. It makes Travis' effort earlier today look utterly, utterly shit. Mind you, so did Travis. The 'Music' outro goes on for just shy of eighteen years, but music making the people coming together is why we're all here today, is it not?

19:31: Not that we are actually all here today, obviously. Some members of the Slashmusic team are stuck here in the office while the rest of the 'posse' large it up in Hyde Park. We wonder how they're getting on? Let's have a quick look at the mobile and see what texts have popped into our inbox. Hm... "3.25pm: Wake me up when Madonna comes on." Well that's not very positive. "6.09pm: UB40 are playing their good song - hurrah!" Hang on, didn't we write about UB40 playing their good song? We did! After all this time in the office together, Team Slashmusic must have developed some spooky sort of ESP thing, a bit like when the Spice Girls' menstrual cycles all synchronised. Except that's a bit horrid.

19:36: In their infinite wisdom, the BBC have cut back to Dido and Youssou 'Shut That Fark' N'Dour performing 'Seven Seconds', this time at the Eden Project in Cornwall. We have a sneaking suspicion that someone, somewhere is attempting to make this the unofficial 'anthem' of Live 8. To be fair, they could have picked worse songs.

19:46: SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! YES! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! THIS IS BRILLIANT! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! WE CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE ACTUALLY IN THE SAME CITY AS SNOW PATROL!!! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! Gary clearly can't believe he's on the bill either. SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! They must know they're shit - they're telling the audience The Killers are on next. SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL! SNOW PATROL!

20:07: BBC1 are now in what we believe they term 'primetime', so they're showing the McCartna/U2 'Sgt Pepper's' intro again. It's even better the second time around! Actually it's exactly the same. As you might expect.

20:09: Time for a fag.

20:10: Now, from Philadelphia, they're repeating the performance by Brian Wilson, a man who had so many 'excitations' in his time that he seems not to have the faintest idea where he is or what he's doing. Still, 'legend', 'genius', etc etc.

20:17: Pint-sized urban princess Joss Stone is singing a nice song nicely. "I don't want to come all serious on you," she begins. Joss, love, we don't want you to come on as at all. "But I just want to say that I'm so proud of you all for coming out." Honey, the gay pride march has been and gone. Maybe next time, Joss Stone, you should check your agenda and make sure you're at the right gig. Just a thought, like.

RAZORLIGHT PLAYED AT SOME POINT AND WE MISSED IT BUT HERE'S QUITE A NICE PICTURE OF JOHNNY ANYWAY.

20:27: Jonathan Ross is back in 'the studio' with Peter Kay, who is an utter embarrassment, which is a bit strange.

20:29: Fearne Cotton is interviewing Peaches Geldof. Fearne: "So, are you proud of your dad?" Christ on a bike.

20:30: Here it is: a groove slightly transformed from the etc etc to break the monotony of all that hardcore indie that has gotten to be etc etc: Will Smith's doing 'Summertime'! Although we would imagine 'Boom! Shake The Room!' to be the favoured listening of G Club 8. (NB: This is not some sort of 'political comment', we simply think that those fellas would probably prefer it to 'Summertime'. Still, we might be wrong.)

20:31: Dinner has arrived! This evening at Slashmusic Towers we will be dining on a curry.

20:32: They've given us the wrong bread.

20:33: But it tastes alright.

20:34: Scissor Sisters are on!

20:44: The Scissors announce that they are about to play new, never-before-heard material. They're one of our favourite bands and everything, but they might as well play 'Viva La Rock'.

20:46: The new Scissors song is actually a) good and b) totally in keeping with the spirit of the event. We'll let them off the hook just this once. And Del's wearing his Simon Cowell trousers, so all is good.

20:50: Ten minutes to go!

20:51: Actually, it's 39 minutes to go. We thought this ended at nine? We've got things to do tonight! We'll have to do a phone-around and alter our plans. However, we do not mind altering our plans if it means another half hour of entertainment from the most important rock concert in the history of both rock and concerts.

20:52: A performance from France: it's Craig David, doing 'Fill Me In'. Again, a perfect song for Live 8, if you take 'fill' as meaning 'drop', 'me' as meaning 'the', and 'in' as meaning 'debt'. This surely is a wakeup call to G Club 8.

20:55 - 21:13: Velvet Revolver. :(

21:22: It may be the case that Lenny Henry has never been funny. It may simply be that, at some point in the time since this Slashmusic correspondent was eleven years old, the funny bit has simply fallen out of Lenny Henry's head. Now is not the time and place to discuss these thoughts. Let's just allow him to make his bad jokes and introduce Sting.

21:26: It's Sting! (Hence introduction from Lenny Henry.)

21:28: 'Message In A Bottle' - a song about a message in a bottle, and therefore the perfect song for today if you count 'message' as meaning 'message' and 'in a bottle' as meaning 'on a white wristband'.

21:36: 'Every Breath You Take' is all very well, but hang on! It's gone half past nine!

21:39: Jonathan Ross reckons that Mariah Carey, Robbie Williams, The Who, Pink Floyd and a load of other stuff is "still to come". We're going to miss last orders at this rate.

21:40: Ooh, now Andrew Marr's on the telly talking realistically about politics.

21:43: Dawn French introduces Mariah Carey.

21:48: Mariah's got dwarves on stage!

21:49: They're just children. :(

21:50: QUOTE OF THE EVENING! Mariah: "Can I get a sip of water?" Oh yes Mariah because you're having such a hard time under all that blazing heat, what a hardship to have to sing one whole song without some water. Tell you what, Mariah, why don't you go eight miles to the nearest well and get your own sip of water?

21:51: This is brilliant! Mariah has now demanded a mic stand THREE TIMES in the space of one minute! And now, with no mic stand forthcoming, she's gone, "if you don't have a mic stand that's cool". Because of course she won't be stropping about backstage going "WHERE WAS MY MIC STAND? WHERE WAS MY MIC STAND?" for twelve months after she goes off, will she.

21:54: It's another text coming through on the Slashmusic batphone! "Play Vision Of Love or fuck off".

21:56: Oh you just couldn't make this up - now Mariah's playing her new single! It's out on Monday, kids - why not 'make a difference' and go out and buy it? Mariah will no doubt be donating the royalties from all those sales, and for and 'sales spike' her album experiences after this performance, to the world's poorest people!

22:05: Jo Whiley interviews Lenny Henry. Toilet break.

22:06: "This is one of the most historical days..." It could only be Mr David Beckham. He's looking quite pretty. Without a doubt his hair is better than it was about six months ago.

22:08: After only thirty seconds on stage, Robbie Williams is absolutely ruling. Roger Waters might as well just pack up and go home now.

22:10: Although, if we never hear 'Let Me Entertain You' again and then never hear it for another two million years after that it will be too soon.

20:12: This is the most overrunning event in history! Tell you what, we don't much fancy trying to get on the tube in Central London tonight.

20:13: Robbie's singing The Killers' "I've got soul but I'm not a soldier" line over the end of 'Let Me Entertain You' - it's like a spooky bootleg aimed at changing the world on this, the most important day in history!

20:15: Do you know what the best Robbie song in the whole of Williamsdom is? Well, we'll tell you. It's 'No Regrets'. Robbie's not singing that one. But the second best Robbie song is 'Feel'. And that's what he's doing! It doesn't seem as momentous as we'd (and he'd) have hoped, though. Where is this generation's 'Queen moment'?

22:19: 'Angels' is introduced with the now legendary "get out your hymn books" Robbiebanter.

22:25: 'Angels' has just finished. It was very good.

22:26: Peter Kay is giving eight billion viewers a masterclass in how to end a career.

22:35: Quite a good Spice Girls gag, though.

22:36: The Who are alright, but half of them haven't even bothered to turn up.

22:44: We're definitely going to miss last orders now, and Pink Floyd haven't even turned up yet. Let's imagine they're doing three songs - if they start at eleven we're going to be here until 4am!

22:52: Asked by Jonathan Ross who her favourite band of the day have been, Jo Whiley replies... Well let's just recap some of the artists who've been on stage so far. U2. Coldplay. Madonna. Robbie Williams. REM. The Who. That's just a handful. And Jo Whiley's favourite act of the day? "Razorlight." :o

23:02: Let's 'go live' to (a pre-recorded thing from) Berlin - and Roxy Music! Roxy Music are bloody great and have some good dancers.

23:03: PINK FLOYD ARE ON STAGE! WAKE YOUR GRANDAD UP, HE WON'T WANT TO MISS THIS!!

23:05: There's a giant puffed up pig on stage. Who invited Elton John, and so on. Presumably this is one of Pink Floyd's brilliant and well-known songs. To be honest, the only Slashmusic writer left in the office at this stage - that's me, hello - has never really 'got' Pink Floyd so this whole thing's washing over my head a bit, really. I mean it's quite a good song and everything, whatever it is, but is it really 'all that'?

23:06: I have no idea what that song was. Let's say it was 'Wish You Were Here' or something.

23:08: Ooh, the next song's starting with sound effects of money jangling around. Presumably this is 'Money', The Floyd's seminal 'n' important anti-capitalist anthem.

23:09: There's a big record player on the Pink Floyd video screens. Come on, rock grandads! Get with the programme! All 'the kids' are into 'ringtones' and 'MP3s' these days! Get the Crazy Frog on the bloody backdrop!

23:10: Let's see what pictures Google have of pigs. Click here to have a look. I really like the one on the second row, on the left hand side. He looks like quite a sophisticated pig. The one on the top left looks like he's seen better days though, eh?

23:12: 'Money' (or whatever it is) is still going on.

23:13: Wow, this music is just so 'important' and 'long-lasting'.

23:15: Do you think they'll do 'See Emily Play'? I quite like that one.

23:16: They're not smiling very much, you'd think they don't get on or something. (Yes, yes, I know, in this case I am feigning ignorance 'to comic effect'.)

23:17: Oh, they're doing another song now. It sounds a bit like 'I Wish It Would Rain Down' by Phil Collins. Oh hang on, this one's 'Wish You Were Here'. I wonder what the first one was? I can't believe they've ripped off Phil Collins.

23:21: And now they're doing a Scissor Sisters cover! Do Pink so-called Floyd not have an original bone in their bodies?

23:22: What do you think they'll do when they get off stage? Like, do you think they've been getting on today? Are they friends now? One option is that when they get off stage they'll have a bicker ("I can't believe you stole Mariah's mic stand," or something) and then just as the argument's getting really intense their eyes will meet. There will be an intense few seconds when nobody says a word and then, in silence, they will lean forward and start to kiss.

23:25: I suppose that probably won't happen at all.

23:26: IT'S OVER! PINK FLOYD HAVE NOW LEFT THE BUILDING! Right, what now? Do we get a big sing-song with everyone doing 'Do They Know It's Christmas', or something?

23:27: Argrhhhh! There's still Paul 'Sir McCartna' McCartney to go!!

23:25: Fearne Cotton is just unbelievably bad at this. By 'this' I mean 'being on TV' and 'thinking'. She's just announced that Midge Ure called Bob Geldof's earlier 'I Don't Like Mondays' performance "rubbish". She looks as if she can't quite believe Midge would be so rude. Well here's the reason it's unbelievable, Fearne: MIDGE WAS JOKING! I saw your 'interview' on TV and he was so obviously joking!! GRGGRRRR!!!

23:42: Right, bugger this for a game of soldiers, I'm going home. Paul McCartney is on stage with George Michael and is really great. There you go. There's your dramatic final entry in this, Slashmusic's coverage of the most important day in history. I might 'revisit' these comments on Monday morning, you know, so if you're reading this bit you might want to copy and paste the text somewhere else because, come Monday afternoon, it may have been replaced with something else, making this entry a collector's item.

23:43 Bye! xxx

23:45 [You're fired - Ed. ]


Pictures: Rex Features
(Thank you Rex for the lovely pictures)