Ggggrraaaggghh! Can you believe those bastards at Slashmusic have finally let me out again? If I've told them once I've told them a thousand times, that bloody Courtney Love needed monstering!

Listen, I was doing her a favour! And dressing up as Alan Partridge was only the beginning of it. "I have passed the line of what even I think is normal!" she bellowed as our torrid love span toward a giddy climax.

"Fine," I thought. "Then you won't mind a bit of this..." Gggrraagggggghhh! I'll leave the rest to your imagination, I'm sure you can see what I'm driving at (yes, a hedgehog, very funny).

Anyway, this pop festival thing was bloody ggrraaaggghhh! I met a lot of ladies, drank a lot of booze and sat around brushing the fur around my nethers really fast. What could be nicer?



Oh, I love these girls. From left to right it's, um, Natalie, Madge and Angelina. I think. Anyway, look how I'm all at home on Madge's lap, one hand's even resting on the soft flesh of her knee. Oh, I'm good. I'm very good! FYI: the broad grin on my face? If you could see where her other hand (OK, thumb) is you'd understand.









Oh, this one was naughty! She loved a bit of the monster! Look how she's gripping my arms and squeezing the life out of me. Ggrrraaaggghhh! Imagine those arms gripping you as you roll around the floor of the den! Oh god, my fur! Not yet! Not yet!









Don't worry about him, he was history seconds after this was taken. You can sort tell it was going to happen, can't you? Anyway, what the monsters wants the monster gets! Ain't that right, sweetheart! Gggrrraaaaggghhh!









Do you see how my lovely friend here is sitting? She's resting herself very, very gently on good old GM here. Let's just say, there was no danger of my ears getting cold while she was around. And no, those aren't all my drinks - these ladies were drinking pints! Whatever next?









She nearly pulled them out by the root! My arms that is. Oh, you should have seen her stretch me this way and that, I was like a bloody gymnast I was. Gggrraaggghh! The things this woman could do with her hands were criminal! It shouldn't be allowed! Actually, in a lot of countries it isn't.










Oh god, oh god, oh god. I really, really don't want to talk about this. You can all absolutely piss off! It was an honest mistake and, let's be honest, he is kind of cute!

Ggrraaagghhhh!