70. ‘Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport’ by Rolf Harris
Rolf’s interest in wildlife didn’t start with TV’s ‘Animal Hospital’, it started in 1960 with this song, which is about an old farmer on his death bed telling his mates to look after his livestock when he’s ‘passed on’. Aside from kangaroos, it also mentions wallabies, koalas, cockatoos and platypuses. Bit of a strange farm if you ask us.
It also had a controversial verse which ran: ”Let me Abos go loose, Lou, let me Abos go loose / they’re of no further use, Lou, let me Abos go loose.” It was removed after complaints led the song to be banned in some countries.
When they hop, kangaroos can reach a cruising speed of 20mph and cover 20 feet in a single hop. Tying them down is therefore a tricky task.
69. Felix Da Housecat
Since he clearly has a cat’s name, the American DJ and producer Felix Stallings had no choice but to adopt this moniker. Although so as not to be confused with ‘Felix The Cat’ from the telly, he added the ‘House’ because he makes house music. Do you see?
Felix’s 2001 tune ‘Silver Screen Shower Scene’ featured vocals from Miss Kittin, who isn’t actually a real kitten at all but is a French electro DJ lady.
68. ‘How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?’ by Lita Roza
Lita Roza had a number one hit with this song in 1953, which went: ”How much is that doggy in the window / the one with the waggly tail / how much is that doggy in the window / I do hope that doggy’s for sale.”
How cute, you might think. But apparently, the song’s other ‘lost’ verses tell a different story. The last verse goes: ”Mommy is on the street hustling / Trying to raise daddy’s bail / And I sure get hungry in the evening / I do hope that doggy’s for sale.” Good lord!
‘How Much…’ is Margaret Thatcher’s favourite song of all time. Suddenly, that makes so much more sense, what with her being a total barmpot and stuff.
67. Wolfsbane
This big-haired metal band, fronted by Blaze Bayley, released three albums and managed a highest chart placing of 48 in 1989 with their debut ‘Live Fast Die Fast’. By 1993, amid career meltdown, tosspot Blaze jumped the sinking ship and went to sing for Iron Maiden instead. Who were a bit more famous. So famous, in fact, that they kicked him out for being an arse shortly afterwards.
Wolfsbane is actually a pretty purple flower, also known as Aconite, which was used in the olden days to repel wolves. So not a very scary heavy rock band name at all, then.
66. ‘Diamond Dogs’ by David Bowie
In 1974, the odd-eyed Mr Bowie released this concept album. The title track, probably about drugs and stuff, has the lyrics: “You asked for the latest party / With your silicon hump and your ten inch stump / Dressed like a priest you was / Todd Browning streak he was.” David Bowie apparently wrote his lyrics by writing things on bits of paper, ripping them up, then putting them into a bag and pulling them out in a random order. You can’t tell.
Anyway, the album was based on George Orwell’s dystopian novel ‘1984’. We bet he wishes he’d written a song called ‘Big Brother’ now cos then it would be like the telly programme and stuff! He must be kicking himself!
65. Fruitbat from Carter USM
Or ‘Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine’, to the uninitiated. Carter, so named because Fruitbat’s real name is Leslie Carter, had a hit with ‘Sheriff Fatman’ in 1991. Which wasn’t very nice. It might be his glands, after all.
A male fruitbat mates and lives with up to eight females at any one time. Perhaps that’s what Fruitbat was thinking of when he chose the moniker. Though internet rumours abound that he’s never so much as seen a lady in the nip, never mind pleasured one up the wotsit with his belly-hammer.
64. ‘The Caterpillar’ by The Cure
”Flicker flicker flicker here you are / Cata-cata-cata caterpillar girl”, went the 1984 hit by cheery rays of sunshine, The Cure. We’re not sure why the lady subject of the song was a ‘caterpillar girl’ – perhaps she had fifty legs. Maybe she was green. Or perhaps she liked to eat lots of leaves. All we know is that she dusted Robert Smith’s “lemon lies” with “powder pink and sweet”.
But why would Robert Smith be lying about a lemon? Perhaps he got limes from the shop by mistake, and now she’s got nothing to put on her pancakes. But then, as a caterpillar, she probably wouldn’t eat pancakes anyway.
This song is making our brains hurt. Next!
63. Hot Dog from the Fast Food Rockers
The most inexplicable, staggeringly awful, make-it-stop-for-the-love-of-God arse-biters in history, the Fast Food Rockers dressed up in garish outfits, donned cheesy grins and sang songs about, well, fast food. ”A pizza hut, a pizza hut, Kentucky fried chicken and a pizza hut,” went the lyrics to their 2003 hit. If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of vulnerable children being beaten senseless by marketing Nazis.
Their mascot, Hot Dog, was a man in a dog suit.
62. ‘Love Cats’ by The Cure
The second entry in the chart for the happy-go-lucky cheeky chappies of 80s pop saw lipsticked Robert sing in 1983 about being a cat and loving another cat. We don’t think it was about bestiality, although the lyric ”We should have each other to tea / We should have each other with cream” sounds a bit rude.
We’re not sure whether cats can actually fall in love with each other, although people like to pretend they do because it’s cute. Look at their little faces! They’re kissing! Aw!
61. The sheep on the cover of The KLF’s ‘Chill Out’ album
The KLF’s acclaimed 1990 album has sheep on the cover. They look quite relaxed. They’re probably thinking: “Ooh, this sunshine’s nice. Maybe I’ll get up in a minute, wander around a bit. Might have a nibble on that grass, not in any rush though.” Those bastard KLF boys probably gave them all ketamine or something. Before murderising them while wrapped up in a coat made of a million quid for art and stuff. Grr!
