40. 'Cool For Cats' by Squeeze
Squeeze got to number two with the title track from their second album in 1979, when the country was still in black and white and nobody ever smiled or knew what fennel tasted like. At this point in the band's career, tiny pianist Jools Holland was a member. 'Cool For Cats' provided the group with more hits than any of their following albums.
Written by Difford and Tilbrook, it features the line "And then I take her home / I'm invited in for coffee / And I give the dog a bone" which not only doesn't rhyme properly, but is also a dreadful animal-based euphemism for the beautiful act of making love to some bird you've just pulled.
39. The panther on the cover of Victoria Beckham's solo album
Victoria's self titled solo debut featured Ms Beckham with her hand on the head of a snarling black panther. The singer claimed the panther was real despite it looking quite glassy eyed and stuffed. There's probably a joke in there somewhere but we're darned if we can spot it.
38. Atomic Kitten
Defying the convention of pop groups having to have at least one talented member, Atomic Kitten must surely take the prize for 'band whose sustained success defies all reason'.
Introduced by former OMD singer Andy McCluskey in the late 90s, original members Natasha Hamilton, Liz McClarnon and Kerry Katona scored four modest hits until, literally the day before they were due to be dropped by their record company, they went to number one with the ballad 'Whole Again'.
Their bacon (or whatever sliced kitten meat would be called) saved, Kerry departed for life in tabloid hell and was replaced by former Precious member Jenny Frost. The group continued to have eight more top ten hits, and although they released a break-up video and announced solo careers, they were back in the charts with 'Whole Again 2005' before anyone had noticed they'd gone.
37. 'Union of the Snake' by Duran Duran
Fresh from their success with hungry wolves, the flick haired fops achieved a number three hit with this song that we think is probably not about an actual snake, but more about Simon Le Bon sticking his knob in a lady. We could be wrong but we don't want to think about it too much. [shudder]
36. 'Batdance' by Prince
This officially (well, we say) marked the point where Prince stopped being brilliant and started releasing increasingly self-indulgent and generally rubbish (but always described as 'a return to form') records.
Prince was asked to contribute to the Batman movie soundtrack after director Tim Burton used his '1999' and 'Baby You're A Star' as a temporary score.
In typical Prince style, the track was written and recorded in one night. The song went to number two in the British charts and Prince has yet to score a higher hit. Maybe if he stopped making rubbish records he might. Just some advice there, in case he's reading: STOP BEING RUBBISH!
35. Bubbles the chimp
The not at all insane friend to little children and frugal spender, Michael Jackson, has a private zoo as part of his Neverland ranch. Nothing wrong with that. If you made his sort of money, one of the first things you'd buy is a zoo. Why put yourself through the drudgery of visiting a local wildlife park when you could just as easily buy some animals and put them in cages in your back garden?
The most famous of these poor incarcerated creatures was Bubbles the chimp. Reportedly rescued from a cancer research laboratory (or 'the chimpanzee shop' depending on who you believe) in 1985, he quickly became Michael's new best friend. (Unlike his fellow chimps who, it was revealed by Martin Bashir's documentary, were employed to clean Jackson's house!)
It's said that Bubbles was dispatched from Neverland after he punched Jackson in the face. He now lives on an animal ranch in California.
You were expecting us to repeat the rumour that Michael taught him to wank on command, weren't you? Well you'd be wrong.
34. Lamb
Only one Top 40 hit for Manchester duo Lamb (1997's 'Gorecki'), but they were weird so probably didn't mind.
In 2004 the group released a DVD called 'The Fall & Rise of the Fools Ark'. A fool's ark presumably being a bit like Noah's ark only filled with two of every stupid animal, like shitzus and pheasants and daddy long-legs. And lambs, probably.
33. The Bees
Eccentric, analogue, Isle of Wight band The Bees were Mercury nominated for their debut album 'Sunshine Hit Me' in 2002, then did nothing until 2004's 'Free The Bees'. A bit lazy then. Not like real bees who are, quite literally, as busy as a bee.
32. 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'
A UK hit on three different occasions by three different acts in three different decades and on every occasion one of the worst and most annoying records ever made.
It started life as a Zulu hunting chant and went on to be a hit in South Africa in 1939 for The Evening Birds, who at least had some actual first hand experience of lions. The song then passed through the hands of Miriam Makeba, Pete Seeger's folk group The Weavers and The Tokens, who were so embarrassed at the results that they fought (and failed) to have the release stopped.
Dave Newman, whoever he was, had a go in 1972, but for most people the definitive version was recorded by Tight Fit in 1981. Well, we say 'recorded', but none of Tight Fit actually appeared on the record because that was the sort of thing that happened in those days. It could be a hit again, of course. The lion is only sleeping. Bastard.
31. 'Songs For Polar Bears' by Snow Patrol
Snow Patrol's debut album from 1998 was called 'Songs For Polar Bears', after the band were forced to drop their original name of Polar Bear following legal threats from former Jane's Addiction bassist Eric Avery, whose own group had already claimed the name. That's a bit boring isn't it? Not like actual polar bears who are great, especially when they do that thing of repeatedly bouncing on the ice till it breaks and they can get into the water and eat a seal. Brilliant!
