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Jojo's household manual
Before filming starts, each wife writes a manual explaining how their house is run. Below are highlights from Jojo's manual.
HOUSEHOLD CHORES
How often do you clean your home?
How often I clean the house depends whether or not it's my turn on the chore rota. I don't think it's a woman's duty to clean the home, we all live here, we all make mess, so we all have to muck in and clean up, and that includes the kids. Everybody in this house has to take responsibility for the housework. I will have a quick tidy up in the mornings if it needs it because I'm at home with the baby, if I don't have something else on.
Who does the general cleaning around the house?
We have a chore rota that is divided equally between the whole family. I rarely have to remind the kids of their responsibilities - they can read! So they check the rota to see if they have any chores to do and get on with them. Kids are not incapable.
WHO DOES THE FOLLOWING, AND HOW OFTEN?
Vacuuming?
If it doesn't need doing, it doesn't get done. If there has been food squashed into the carpet the person on 'tidy sitting room' duty does the hoovering. I sometimes give the kitchen and sitting room a hoover in the daytime if it's really bad, just a quick swish round for the crumbs. I would never get down on my hands and knees and go into the corners with the hoover, and I never hoover upstairs unless it really needs it.
Dusting?
I don't dust, I don't buy furniture polish, dusting is not something I ever want to think about. I'm more likely to wipe furniture with a damp cloth only if the baby has smeared something with food, it's hardly industrial cleaning.
Straightening up?
It depends on the rota who is on tidy duty. I give a rough tidy round every morning if I have time, spending no more than 10 mins. If it doesn't get done and it's a shit hole, so what? It's just not important, clearing up takes 10 minutes if I can be arsed and not doing something else. If I'm doing something else I won't do it. I try to collect the dishes from the sitting room and the dining room and take them into the kitchen in the morning. I'm not bothered about crumbs. If I get around to doing the dishes in the morning, then great.
Ironing?
We never iron, we fold carefully. I only iron if it's a very special occasion like a wedding or black tie do. And if Allan needs a shirt ironed, he wouldn't dream of asking me, he does it himself. None of the kids iron their clothes and I don't iron their clothes for them.
Cleaning the bathroom?
That's not on the rota - I do that. I clean the toilet bowl of my downstairs loo every day. It takes 2 minutes.
The upstairs bathroom doesn't get used that often, so I'll probably clean the toilet up there once a week. The bath will get a quick rinse out after it's used.
Clothes washing?
There's no routine, I hate routine. It's mainly me who gets the clothes washed because I'm at home more. Allan mucks in with the laundry when I'm working in the evenings, he is much better at it than me.
I put clothes in the washing machine and then put them into the tumble dryer. The dirty laundry always mounts up and usually falls down behind the fridge and then it's a fight to find it. We often run out of clean clothes, which annoys the kids, but my argument is, if you don't like it - do it yourselves.
Cleaning the kitchen?
It depends on the rota, who is on duty cleaning the kitchen. I sometimes clear up the kitchen when I get up or before the kids get in from school, depending on what I'm doing. It's not unheard of for dishes to get left until that evening so that the person on dishes duty does it.
The kitchen floor gets mopped whenever. The crumbs will get hoovered but the floor will get mopped when it's dirty, sometimes a damp cloth is enough. I don't mind leaving the floor when it's dirty for a bit longer because it takes 10 minutes to mop then it's filthy again. I will mop the floor roughly once a month, or wipe it with a cloth if something gets spilled.
COOKING / MEALS
How often do you sit down and eat together?
We will sit down together for an evening meal most days, at least 5 nights out of 7.
We don't do breakfast, we don't do lunch. If the kids are hungry then they help themselves, they don't need to ask for food and they don't expect it to be put on the table for them.
Who prepares meals?
I don't do breakfast and I don't do lunch - everyone helps themselves during the day. The kids make their own packed lunches and have done this since they were 7 years old. They also get breakfast for themselves and I never lay it out for them. When they return from school they make a snack for themselves.
Does Allan help with dinner?
Allan sometimes cooks and the kids can cook as well. The girls help Allan cook the breakfast at the weekends, that's the way it should be, everyone knows how to fend for themselves.
DAILY ROUTINE
What time do you get up?
I get up anytime between 10am - 11am.
Allan leaves for work at 7:30am, then the kids get themselves up, dressed, make their own packed lunches and make their own breakfast. I don't get up with the kids and I don't get them ready for school, they do that for themselves. By the time the children are up, I'm usually awake with the baby. I stay in bed and watch TV. The kids give the baby a bottle in the morning and some cereal if she asks. The kids usually wander through to my room and eat their breakfast on my bed. When they leave for school, the baby comes back to bed and I change her nappy. We doze and watch morning TV for a few hours. I get myself a cup of tea and go back to bed. I stay in bed, playing games with the baby, watching TV and dozing until 10:30 or 11am. I maybe make another cup of tea and go back to bed.
How much time do you need to get ready in the morning?
I don't know because I don't have to get the kids ready in the morning; they are totally independent and do everything for themselves. They get themselves up and ready and out the door to school. I don't have to do anything for them and they don't expect it.
When I get up, I take about 5 minutes in the shower, and another few minutes getting ready. I don't ever put make up on unless I've got a gig or going out somewhere special.
The baby plays in the bathroom while I'm getting ready. I leave the baby to play in her pyjamas if she is happy with that.
What time do you go to bed?
It can be any time from 10.30 pm to the next morning. I hate routine!
If I've got a gig I'm back at 12.30 or 1am and Allan waits up for me and we have a chat. We sometimes stay up until 2am or 3am. When I'm not working I go to bed anytime between 10.30pm and the latest would be not going to bed at all! We love each other's company and it's great fun to stay up all night having a laugh. Allan loves it too.
CHILDCARE / DISCIPLINE
Who does the childcare? What does it involve?
The kids are completely self-sufficient, this is the result of my healthy neglect approach to parenting. I look after the baby through the day before everyone gets home from work and school, but she's very easy to look after. She's happy to float around and entertain herself.
How do you discipline the children?
We discipline Ruridh and Ciara by banning them from football, and that makes them really suffer. Eilidh is never naughty, but she's incredibly frustrating because she's forgetful and we threaten her with missing drama class, but we never have to actually do it.
THE RELATIONSHIP
What tips can you give for coping with Allan?
You don't need to ‘cope’ with Allan, ‘cope’ is the wrong word. You need to be honest with him, say what you really think and don't bullshit him. He'll be completely honest with you - believe me! Our relationship is founded on being open and direct with each other, as every relationship should be. Allan and I are very happy together. He is fabulous.
How do you like to be treated?
I don't like to be treated with respect and with equality - I demand to be treated that way!
HOUSE PHILOSOPHY
Please sum up the philosophy of this house and life within it.
I hate routine and I hate structure, I always have done. Each day is new and different - because I don't plan what I'm going to do at home. I take my work as a stand-up comedian seriously, but the rest of my life is a laugh. My life is a mess and a muddle - and it's what I talk about in my stand-up routine.
My approach to parenting is based on healthy neglect. I'm not a ‘motherly’ mum, my kids are independent. They have to fend for themselves - because that's what life is all about. I'm not only a mother - I have a life that is just as important as the kids' and they respect that.
There's no way I'm going to be the only one responsible for clearing up after my kids - or my partner. No one in this family would expect me to do that. Housework is not women's work - the Victorian age is over. My partner Allan thinks the same, equality is really important to him, he's says it's great that women are getting a fair crack of the whip.
Equality is really important in this house. We discuss and agree household issues. Allan and I parent equally, and he makes no distinction between his step-kids and his own child.
We do the housework equally - my view is that we all make mess, so we should all take it in turns to clear it up. We work to a chore rota, so that it's fair. My kids are perfectly capable of doing housework, but I'm not expecting the house to be perfect. A bit of dust or dirt is not the end of the world.
I run an open house and it's always busy. My friends are like family and they know they are welcome in my home at any time. The same goes for the kids' friends, they don't have to ask before they bring friends round, the more the merrier.
I know that my family is different from most other families, but I've got it the way I want it. It works for me, my kids are happy, and we're a strong family unit.
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