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Darenda's household manual
Before filming starts, each wife writes a manual explaining how their house is run. Below are highlights from Darenda's manual.
HOUSEHOLD CHORES
How often do you clean your home?
I clean the house when I think it absolutely needs it – and if I'm not busy doing anything else. But I don't let it get to me – if it gets too much, I'll leave it and watch something on TV.
I don't really tidy up. That's not what life is about. I want to have fun, be singing and dancing – having fun. If there's stuff in the kitchen waiting to be washed up, or if there are clothes ready to be washed, then it's tough shit. I'm busy doing what I want to do and if it gets on Alani's nerves, then he should get on and do it – not bitch at me.
Who does the general cleaning around the house?
However much I hate cleaning, I do most of it. Kids are messy, and I'm the silly cow who clears it up. It gets me really stressed, because I do it all, and while I'm in one room cleaning it up, the kids are in another making a mess. Everyone expects me to clean it up and I think, "Balls to it".
Alani will get one of the girls to wash the pans if he can – although I don't like him doing that. He doesn't think that we should be cleaning up after the kids because they make a lot of mess and they're old enough to help. But I win that argument most of the time because the kids don't want to clean up. We forget the cleaning and I get them singing and dancing instead.
WHO DOES THE FOLLOWING, AND HOW OFTEN?
Vacuuming?
Alani bought me a pink hoover for £200 – and I've used it seven times in three months … maybe less. It's only when I watch one of those programmes, like How Clean Is Your House?, that makes me think that I should have a right good clean up. But then the next programme comes on and I watch that instead.
Dusting?
Alani would say that I don't know what dusting means. But I do dust every two days – he just can't see that it's been done. At least I make sure that the TV is done because I'm watching it most of the time, and if it's dusty I can't see the screen.
I do the shelves and the fireplace whenever I want to. I like to keep it a bit tidy, but if it gets dusty, then that's the way it is. I clean the windowsill in the lounge with a damp cloth if I see little flies on it – I hate those. Once a week I'll clean the windows and the glass door in the lounge.
Ironing?
Sometimes the ironing is piled up on the settee for days. I'll do it every two to three weeks when we run out of clothes. I have to do it because when Alani did it he burnt some clothes – we had a right slanging match about it. But most of the time, I'll put clothes in their drawers or in bin liners without ironing them – I can't see the point in ironing. I've got one of those smart irons, but I hardly use it. For the first few days of the school term, I'll iron their uniforms, after that it gets a bit much. I iron their school sweatshirts every week.
The kids stay in their school uniforms when they come home from school so there's less washing to do. I'll normally remember about 11pm that I've forgotten to wash their uniforms, so we wash their sweatshirts because they get food down them, and sponge their uniforms down.
Alani doesn't iron his clothes, he says that they don't need it. His clothes are so big that it takes half an hour to iron one thing anyway. I won't iron anything for him.
Cleaning the bathroom?
What's that? I don't have to do it – the kids do it every time they have a bath – they soak everything!
Once in a while, I'll go into the bathroom and think, "Oh, my God, what a mess. I'm going to get motivated and do it." The kids will have left wet towels everywhere, there'll be spiders and stuff. I pick everything up and do a big clean. I take everything down from the sink and the windowsill and put it in the bath and then put spray in the sink and fill the sink with it. I use glass cleaner on the windows, wipe the tiles and clean the sink pedestal, then I spray the bath. I'm very thorough.
Cleaning the kitchen?
Just making one meal in this house messes up the whole kitchen. I can't cope with it, it gets too messy so I hardly ever tidy it. Alani does most of the cooking so the mess in the kitchen is down to him. The kitchen is only half-built and decorated because Alani won't finish it, so there's no incentive to keep it clean and tidy.
COOKING / MEALS
How often do you sit down and eat together?
Alani does all the cooking, and we'll sit down to eat it. The kids will sit at the table, Alani and I will sit on the sofa. The table will only seat four – you can't fit the six of us at it.
Once a fortnight, we'll make the effort, get some extra chairs and sit with them at the table. Sometimes I enjoy it, but if the kids are talking non-stop, I'll take my dinner and sit on the sofa to eat.
When are meal times?
We'll eat at any time. There are no set rules – I hate operating to a timetable. We'll eat whenever the kids are hungry.
Who prepares meals?
I don't cook because I'm a lazy cow. I used to live with a guy when I was 17 and I had to cook all the time and be his skivy and I'll never do that again. I know that the kids have a really crap diet because I don't cook. If I feel the kids should have a nice healthy dinner, I'll buy a big bowl of fruit and they'll eat it all in one go.
Mainly the kids decide what they want to eat – and if Alani isn't here, we'll have take-away. We'll get Alani to go to a drive-through and bring it home.
Does Alani help with dinner?
Alani does all the cooking. I get takeaways.
He makes dinner every day – even if he comes back from work at 11, he'll cook dinner for both of us, but I won't have cooked for the kids, I'll have got them chips from the chip shop.
DAILY ROUTINE
What time do you get up?
If Alani is on day shift, then he'll be gone while I'm still sleeping.
I don't like getting up, because I know what I've got to do when I get up.
Most mornings it's total chaos – rushing and getting nowhere. My alarm will go off at 7am and I'll shout to the kids to get up and get ready. But I fall back to sleep while they have breakfast, and then they come and tell me to get up. If I get up late, then everyone's late. We have to get out of the house by 7:30am and I get up at 7:20am.
Do you ever get a lie-in?
Before the kids started at their new schools, I got a lie-in every day. But now that we have to go on a bus, and Lindsie has to get to her school, I need to drag myself out of bed. We are late sometimes though, and that's fine with me.
Once or twice a week, Lindsay will bring me a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal in bed and maybe some orange juice if there's some left over.
If I stay in bed too long, I start to ache.
How do you spend your week-day evenings?
We'll spend a lot of time watching the TV or DVDs. The TV is on pretty much all day. I'll also play on the fruit machine we have at home – I love that.
What time do you go to bed?
I go to bed when I'm tired – say about 11-11:30pm-ish.
DISCIPLINE
Who does the childcare? What does it involve
Most of the time it's me that does the childcare because Alani works. On Saturday, Alani might take them to rugby, he'll take the girls and I'll end up with baby Alani. My mum or a friend will come round to babysit sometimes.
If Alani's here I might ask him to take care of the baby for a while.
I find looking after the kids stressful and boring. It's the same thing day-in and day-out. My reward is if the kids do something good, like if they win a talent competition.
How do you discipline the children?
I've tried smacking them but it just didn't work, I've tried everything really. What I do now is to stand in the middle of the room and shout "Balls to you all!" and they'll stop what they're doing – for about 2 seconds.
If they ask for anything, like biscuits or chips, I'll say yes. Alani's different – he's more into discipline than I am. He says no – but I don't agree with that.
THE RELATIONSHIP
What tips can you give for coping with Alani?
Don't let Alani boss you about. He doesn't do that with me, because I don't let him get a way with it.
Don't let him give you a load of crap about not doing the cooking, or tell you that he goes down to the pub with his mates every night – because he doesn't. I wouldn't have it.
How do you like to be treated?
I want to be treated with respect. Nobody in this house respects me. The kids don't do what I tell them, Alani certainly doesn't respect me – he still thinks I should pick up his plates and things. No one in this house has any authority – that's why it's such a mess.
Men have always expected me to run around after them. Men are chauvinists and you have to fight against them, otherwise you end up doing everything. I've been someone's skivvy and I'll never do it again.
Alani does buy me a rose every week, and sometimes chocolate – especially if I'm feeling down.
HOUSE PHILOSOPHY
Please sum up the philosophy of this house and life within it.
This is a madhouse, but that's the way I like it. Life's about having fun, and that's what I'm known for. I won't have any rules here, I hate timetables – I just can't stick to them, so everything in this house happens when I feel like doing them. I don't plan anything so everything happens on the spur of the moment.
I know I'm a spoilt bitch; I'm used to getting what I want. I always have done. If I don't get my own way then I'll throw a right paddy until I get what I want.
Everyone expects me to do it all, but I'm not running after them all. Me and my husband should be equal – I'm not his skivvy. Alani is a grown man and he should be doing his fair share of the tidying and the cleaning. But Alani expects me to do it all, while he does nothing. So the mess stays. I have to save up all my energy for when the kids come home, so we can have discos and fun.
I don't think that my girls should do any chores – they shouldn't have to live like they're in an army boot camp with people telling them to do things. But Alani thinks they should do things in the house and when I'm not here, he'll get them to do the washing up. But we argue like mad about it. I don't want them to be doing dull stuff like housework. They've got to be free to develop their own personalities and enjoy themselves. They've all got natural talent as performers, so I want them to be able to concentrate on that – I don't want him training them to be skivvies.
The only thing I make my kids do is to practise their singing and dancing. I want them to be famous when they grow up: Lindsie is going to be a supermodel; Bryanne will be a singer and Courtney will be an actress. I teach them myself, and I'm very disciplined about it, because I know that's what show business needs. I don't see that schooling is important for them, because I know they'll be famous. I'm trying to persuade Alani to sell the house so that we can send them to a stage school in London. Alani wants them to go to university, but I don't. I can't see the point of that – I didn't even know what university was until I met Alani.
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