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Last year, Lucy Simons lost her father. He had seemed to be recovering well from a minor heart-attack, so when Lucy made plans to visit him in hospital, she had no thought that he might die before she got there.
Suddenly, Lucy was without her beloved dad, who had provided her with so much emotional support. Not close to her mother or siblings, she spoke to no one about her grief, thinking she could carry on with her busy life as the mother of a three-month-old baby.
Then, two months ago, Lucy had a nervous breakdown.
Expressing grief
Grief is complex and differs in every person who experiences it. Communicating feelings may relieve some of the pressure, but doing so may not be easy for bereaved young deaf people, especially if, like Lucy, they are from a hearing family.
Trudi Collier is a deaf counsellor, experienced in helping bereaved deaf people. 'Grief is the process we go through, which helps us to accept loss and move on with life,' she says. 'People go through the process of grief in different ways. It is important that you follow the way that feels right for you. There is not a right or wrong way to grieve.'
For Lucy, talking to a counsellor made a big difference. Because at first she bottled up her feelings, she became snappy with everyone, she says, especially her husband Jon. 'It got to a point where Jon was dreading coming home... I had a breakdown. I asked Jon to come home. I was crying for hours. We talked and Jon suggested getting help. So that's what I did. I've never looked back since. But I needed someone to tell me to get help.'
Grief is too difficult to cope with alone, Trudi says. 'It is very important to be able to share your feelings with someone you can trust. That can be a family member, or a friend, or a professional counsellor. It is important that you can share your feelings with someone who can share the language that is most natural for you – BSL or English. Also, don't expect to have finished grieving in a few weeks or months. The process can take many months or even a year or two.'
Grief on hold
Like Lucy, Mark Arthbutnott is from a hearing family, and when he lost his father, he too felt isolated.
Although Mark had seen his father die, he couldn't believe he had gone, even when he visited him in the chapel. Then organising the funeral kept him so busy that his grief was on hold. He had to cope with the stress of overcoming communication problems when organising the funeral, doing the rehearsal and registering his father's death, because no interpreter was available until the day of the funeral itself. He was so distracted and stressed that he didn't feel he had grieved properly until about a year afterwards.
Mark didn't believe counselling would work, but he did speak to friends who had also been bereaved, and this helped. He says he felt that he could only communicate his grief to deaf people of his age-group, because they could empathise more.
The grieving process
Although grief is different for everyone, it tends to be a process with several different stages. The following are defined by psychologists:
Denial: The shock can make it impossible to believe the person has actually gone. This may leave you feeling numb. You may try to act as though nothing has changed.
Anger: Shock will generally turn into anger. This is completely normal. You may blame other people for the death, or yourself, or, if you're religious, god; or you may be angry with the person who has gone for leaving you behind.
Bargaining: You may want to make promises to yourself (or god) in exchange for having the person back again. This can be part of blaming yourself and thinking you need to suffer to have them back.
Depression: This is a very difficult stage. You may feel there's no point to life, that nothing is worth thinking about or doing. You may also feel negative about yourself, as if all your problems are your own fault. Symptoms of this stage include crying, having no energy, and not wanting to see anyone.
You may also feel that no one understands or that people will be bored if you talk about your feelings. Some people feel suicidal, because it can seem that things will never get better. If you feel seriously depressed or suicidal, it's very important to seek help.
Acceptance: The last stage of grief is feeling able to move on. This means accepting what's happened and that life cannot be the same again. It doesn't mean that you won't always miss the person who has died. But you will begin to be able to focus on good memories and even feel happy thinking of them. Once you've reached this stage, having fun and enjoying life will not seem so far out of your reach and the future will look a lot more positive.
If you would like to share you feelings and experiences on the subject of bereavement, you can do so on the message board. If you feel in need of support, see Help and information below.
If you have been affected by bereavement in some way, a number of organisations give help and advice. Some of the following offer special services for deaf people; most provide some level of support to people who are deaf via e-mail and fax; others have publications that you may find useful.
In addition, you might like to read the article on bereavement on Channel 4's health site.
Deaf Counselling Network
Contact: Trudi Collier
E-mail: trudi.collier@btopenworld.com
Fax: 020 7732 8286
Can provide a list of deaf/signing counsellors.
British Deaf Association Counselling Service
13 Wilson Patten Street
Warrington
Cheshire WA1 1PG
Textphone: 01925 652529 (daily 9.30am-4.30pm; Wed 7-10pm)
E-mail: michelles@bda.org.uk
Fax: 01925 652526
Voice: 01925 652520 (daily 9.30am-4.30pm)
Videophone: 01925 630169
Website: www.bda.org.uk
Offers support and counselling to bereaved deaf people.
National Deaf Services
Lincoln Centre
19 Abbeville Mews
88 Clapham Park Road
London SW4 7BX
Textphone: 020 7622 8367
E-mail: Pam.Morgan@swlstg-tr.nhs.uk
Counselling and psychotherapy services provided by deaf and hearing counsellors.
Cruse Bereavement Care
Cruse House
126 Sheen Road
Richmond
Surrey TW9 1UR
E-mail: helpline@crusebereavementcare.org.uk
Fax: 020 8940 7638
Voice: 0870 167 1677
Website: www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
Cruse Bereavement Care support all bereaved people. They offer advice, support,
help and information, no matter how recently or long ago you were bereaved.
The helplines are open Monday-Friday 9.30am-5pm.
The Youth Involvement Project
The Friends' Meeting House
6 Mount Street
Manchester M2 5NS
Textphone: 0161 839 3915 (they will call you back)
E-mail: info@rd4u.org.uk
Fax: 0161 819 5810
Voice: 0808 808 1677 (Mon & Wed 4pm-7pm)
Website: www.rd4u.org.uk
The youth branch of Cruse Bereavement Care is there to support young people
(12-18) after the death of someone close. It is staffed by trained volunteers
aged between 16 and 25.
Child Death Helpline
Voice: 0800 282 986 (evenings 7pm-10pm, also Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays
10am-1pm)
Website: www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk
Offers support to those affected by the death of a child, whatever their age.
The line is staffed by bereaved parents but only provides support services by
voice phone.
Compassionate Friends
53 North Street
Bristol BS3 1EN
E-mail: info@tcf.org.uk
Fax: 0117 914 4368
Voice: 0117 953 9639 (daily 10am-4pm and 6.30-10.30pm)
Website: www.tcf.org.uk
The Compassionate Friends have local support groups, provide one-to-one support
and run a voice helpline. They also produce a range of publications for parents,
children, grandparents and professionals. For more information on their services
and copies of leaflets, check out the website or send a stamped self-addressed
envelope to the address above.
Samaritans
Chris
PO Box 90 90
Stirling FK8 2SA
Textphone: 08457 90 91 92
E-mail: jo@samaritans.org
Voice: 08457 90 90 90
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
If you're feeling distressed for any reason you can contact the Samaritans 24
hours a day, seven days a week.
Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS)
28 Portland Place
London W1B 1LY
E-mail: support@uk-sands.org
Fax: 020 7436 3715
Voice: 020 7436 5881
Website: www.uk-sands.org
Provides support for bereaved parents and their families if their baby dies,
before, during or soon after birth. Support is also available for healthcare
professionals. Support staff are available Mondays to Fridays 10am-3pm.
Support after Murder and Manslaughter (SAMM)
Cranmer House
39 Brixton Road
London SW9 6DZ
E-mail: enquiries@samm.org.uk
Voice: 020 7735 3838
Website: www.samm.org.uk
Offers understanding and support to families and friends who have been bereaved
as a result of murder or manslaughter, through others who have suffered a similar
tragedy.
Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide
Centre 88
Saner Street
Hull HU3 2TR
Textphone: Brenda on 18002 01925 826204
E-mail: sobs.support@care4free.net
Fax: 01482 210287
Voice: 0870 2413 337 (9am-9pm)
Website: www.uk-sobs.org.uk
Provides specialist emotional support and practical information for people bereaved
as a result of suicide.
Winston's Wish
The Clara Burgess Centre
Gloucestershire Royal Hospital
Great Western Road
Gloucester GL1 3NN
E-mail: info@winstonswish.org.uk
Fax: 01452 395656
Voice: 0845 2030405 (Mon-Fri 9.30am-5pm, Sat 9.30am-1pm)
Website: www.winstonswish.org.uk
Supports bereaved children and young people. Questions are answered on the website
daily. Contact them via e-mail or the website for a list of helpful publications
and booklets.
The Channel 4 booklet When Someone Dies offers practical advice on what to do after the death of someone close to you. To order a copy, send a cheque for £2.50, payable to Channel 4, to:
When Someone Dies
BSS
PO Box 4000
Manchester M60 3LL
If you are grieving for the loss of a pet, you can contact the Pet Bereavement Support Service via the e-mail helpline:
Pet Bereavement Support Service
E-mail: pbssmail@bluecross.org.uk
Voice: 0800 096 6606 (daily 8.30am-8.30pm, 24 hour answerphone)
Website: www.thebluecross.org.uk/content/
services/3_5bereavement.html
Channel 4 is not responsible for the content of third-party sites.