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When Ryan Pendley was 22 he had a one-night stand with a girl who already had a boyfriend. Then she stopped being seen out and about. Ryan got worried and wrote to her. He was shocked to receive her reply. She was pregnant. And the baby was his.
Ryan decided that he wanted to support his child. But it hasn't been easy.
Undervalued
The charity PIPPIN (Parents in Partnership – Parent Infant Network; see Find out more) says fathers can feel 'undervalued, disregarded and excluded' and that society tends to label them as 'uncaring' or 'uncommitted'. These negative perceptions mean that there are few services or support groups for them and that they are under-represented.
Ryan agrees that there should be more services. It would help if young dads could meet up to share their experiences, as most of their male friends probably don't want to talk about children. He also believes that young dads need more help to get them through the early days, when they may not know what to do and may be worrying that they are too young to settle down. Ryan would like to see groups involving both hearing and deaf fathers, so that they would be able to integrate and share information.
Special services
However, Adam Gibson, another young father, would like to see special services aimed at deaf parents, where young mothers and fathers could support each other, share information and experience and build confidence. He wouldn't attend a hearing group, he says, because of communication difficulties. Adam and Nicola didn't attend ante-natal classes for the same reason.
Adam was 22 when his girlfriend Nicola became pregnant. Like Ryan, he was shocked, and he thought he wasn't ready to be a father. Now he shares parental duties with Nicola, though he admits that Nicola does a bit more than him. But he must be doing OK, because they're getting married on 5 July!
Legal questions
Helen Robson, a family lawyer, emphasises the primacy of the child's interests. 'Children have a right to have regular contact with both parents,' she says. 'If that is not happening then the absent parent has an automatic right to apply to the court to see their child. The court works on the basis that contact should take place unless it is not in the best interests of the child – that is, the child would suffer if they did see that parent. In those cases, indirect contact – contact by letter or telephone – would be ordered, or, in the worse-case scenario, there would be a "no contact" order.'
Fathers also have a right to apply to the court for their child to live with them. Again, the court would try to discover what is best for the child and implement that.
If you need advice, talk to a solicitor who specialises in family law. People on a low income should be entitled to free advice under the Legal Help Scheme. The Legal Services Commission will be able to give you the names of family lawyers in your area. Alternatively you could contact the Solicitors Family Law Association, a voluntary organisation for solicitors who deal in family law. See Find out more for details.
Commitment and communication
Young single mother Sophie Stone told VEE-TV that having no relationship with her own father convinced her of the importance of contact with the father. 'Fathers should be encouraged by how much of a difference it can make that they're there,' she says. 'For a mother to have an at least civil relationship with the father of the child can benefit everyone and means that the child can experience the love of both parents.'
As for being deaf, Sophie doesn't think it puts you at a disadvantage as a parent. 'If anything, we're more observant and aware of our surroundings,' she says, 'so we can be pretty careful parents, to compensate for our deafness. And these days there's so much technology and funding for equipment to make sure we have the independence to be a parent and not just a deaf parent – the help is out there, we've just got to use it.'
Parents' parents
One source of help is, of course, your own parents.
Adam Gibson was worried about the reactions of both his and Nicola's parents when they found out that Nicola was pregnant. As it turned out, though 'they went mad', after a while they began looking forward to being grandparents. But Adam and Nicola haven't allowed them to interfere too much in Mia's upbringing. One concern was that if the grandparents had their way, sign language would be neglected.
But Adam and Nicola have taken advice from other older deaf people and from the midwife on things like breastfeeding and how to deal with jaundice, nappy rash and nappy changing. They felt that friends who were also young parents didn't explain things clearly enough, though they gave important emotional support.
Organisations
Deaf Parenting Project
Disability Pregnancy Parenthood international (DPPi)
Unit F9, 89-93 Fonthill Road
London N4 3JH
Tel: 0800 018 4730
Text: 0800 018 9949
E-mail: becki@dppi.org.uk
Website: www.deafparent.org.uk
Provides information to deaf parents and a video Deaf Parents: Gaps
in Services with useful organisations to contact.
Disability, Pregnancy & Parenthood international
National Centre for Disabled Parents
Unit F9
89/93 Fonthill Road
London N4 3JH
Tel: 0800 018 4730 (24-hour answerphone or 9.30am-5pm Mon-Fri to speak to an
information officer)
Text: 0800 018 9949
Fax: 020 7263 6399
E-mail: info@dppi.org.uk
Website: www.dppi.org.uk
Advice and support to anyone with a disability who is pregnant or has given
birth, and to their partners, friends or relatives.
Fathers Direct
Herald House
Lamb's Passage
Bunhill Row
London EC1Y 8TQ
Tel: 020 7920 9491 (Mon-Fri 10am-6pm)
Fax: 020 7374 2966
E-mail: mail@fathersdirect.com
Website: www.fathersdirect.com
Information and on-line magazine aimed specifically at fathers, on all aspects
of parenting. Good website.
Legal Services Commission
85 Gray's Inn Road
London WC1X 8TX
Tel: 020 7759 0000
Website: www.legalservices.gov.uk
Can provide contact details for solicitors specialising in family law in your
area. Check out the website for contact details of regional offices.
National Family & Parenting Institute
430 Highgate Studios
53-79 Highgate Road
London NW5 1TL
Website: www.e-parents.org
A campaigning charity working towards a more family-friendly society. Unable
to offer telephone advice, but the website has lots of useful information for
parents.
Parentline Plus
520 Highgate Studios
53-79 Highgate Road
Kentish Town
London NW5 1TL
Helpline: 0808 800 2222
Text: 0800 783 6783
Website: www.parentlineplus.org.uk
Runs a free helpline, parenting courses, information leaflets and has a useful
website with help and information for parents.
Parents at Work
45 Beech Street
London EC2Y 8AD
Tel: 020 7628 3565
Helpline: 020 7628 2128 (for parents needing advice on working rights and benefits)
E-mail: info@parentsatwork.org.uk
Website: www.parentsatwork.org.uk
Helps parents balance work and home by providing factsheets and advice on working
hours, parental leave and childcare.
PIPPIN (Parents In Partnership-Parent Infant Network)
Derwood
Todds Green
Stevenage SG1 2JE
Tel: 01438 748478
E-mail: martin@pippin.org.uk
Website: www.pippin.org.uk
Promotes early family and parent-infant relationships. Currently runs a project
called 'Investing in Fathers' which aims to offer support and advice to young
fathers.
Solicitors Family Law Association (SFLA)
PO Box 302
Orpington
Kent BR6 8QX
Tel: 01689 850227
Fax: 01689 855833
E-mail: sfla@btinternet.com
Website: www.sfla.org.uk
You can find an SFLA solicitor in your area on the website.
Links: fathers
Bounty
www.bounty.com
Online guides to becoming a father with tips and advice on how to cope as
well as articles and information on pregnancy and birth.
Centre for Successful Fathering
www.fathering.org
Argues the benefits of being an involved father and the belief that children
need the balance of both parents.
Dads Today
http://dadstoday.com
Articles and discussion groups for fathers.
Deaf Parenting Project
www.deafparent.org.uk
Aims to tackle the lack of services available to deaf parents. The website
has useful organisations and a comprehensive list of links.
Fathers Direct
www.fathersdirect.com
Fun website for men with an online magazine and games. Looks at everything
related to being a father.
Fathers' Forum Online
www.fathersforum.com
Includes a list of what to expect in the first 12 months of fatherhood,
and provides a variety of articles and topics in the reading room section.
New Fathers: Transitions and Grief
www.lapas.org/merghlan96.html
Article on the transformation men go through as they become fathers and
the struggle to find time for self, family, work and partner.
PIPPIN – Investing in Fathers
www.pippin.org.uk/fathers
Aims to create the right environment for supporting young fathers through
all stages of pregnancy.
Links: baby signing
British Sign Language
www.britishsignlanguage.com/
This site uses moving pictures to show basic BSL signs.
Deafsign
www.deafsign.com/ds/index.cfm
A good range of sign-language resources, including from books, CD-ROMS and
posters.
Signing Babes
www.signingbabes.co.uk/HOME.htm
Primarily for parents and caregivers using the 'Sign With Your Baby' method,
designed to be used with hearing babies in order to communicate with them before
they are able to express themselves verbally. The signs are based on BSL.
Links: general
B for Baby
www.b4baby.com
Articles and advice on all aspects of parenting and baby development.
Baby Centre
www.babycentre.co.uk
Contains a wide range of information on pregnancy, birth and parenting.
Babyworld
www.babyworld.co.uk
Covers pregnancy, childbirth and babies with a section for new parents and
articles especially for men.
Channel 4 – Health House
www.channel4.com/health
Health site offering vital information on health issues specifically aimed
at a young audience and featuring a team of online counsellors to answer users'
questions.
Books
Baby Shock! by Elizabeth Martyn with Relate (Vermilion, October 2001)
Draws on the expertise of Relate counsellors to explain how a couple's relationship
is affected from the first decision to try for a baby, through pregnancy, birth
and babyhood, to the stage of caring for toddlers and young children. Buy
this book from Amazon.
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Fatherhood by Kevin Osborn (Alpha Books,
1999)
A comprehensive guide with information to help new fathers cope with the changes
a baby makes in their lives. Buy
this book from Amazon.
The Expectant Father: Facts, tips, and advice for dads-to-be by Armin
Brott and Jennifer Ash (Abbeville Press, 2001)
Advice and practical tips for men on how to juggle work and family, ways to
support and encourage partners throughout the pregnancy and how pregnancy affects
your sex life. Also addresses the special concerns of fathers who are expecting
a multiple birth. Buy
this book from Amazon.
First Time Parents' Survival Guide by Emma Scattergood (Cassell, 1998)
Aims to provide all that new parents need to know, from arriving home from hospital
to establishing a sleeping routine or recognising a serious problem. Has good
reviews from readers on the Amazon site.
Buy this book from Amazon.
The Joy of Fatherhood: The first twelve months by Marcus Goldman (Random
House, 2000)
Amusing and practical guide for new dads with month-by-month advice and tips
on a range of things, such as what to ask the paediatrician, changing a nappy,
safety-proofing your home, teething, and bathing the baby. Buy
this book from Amazon.
So You're Going To Be a Dad by Peter Downey (Fisher Books, 2000)
Downey, a father of three, covers pregnancy, the birth and the after-effects,
giving useful information in a humorous and digestible format. Buy
this book from Amazon.
Solo Dad Survival Guide: Raising kids on your own by R F Davis and Nick
Borns (Contemporary Books, 1999)
A practical guide with advice and support for dads who are on their own with
the children full or part time. Buy
this book from Amazon.
Teen Dads: Rights, responsibilities and joys by J W Lindsay (Independent
Publishers, 2000)
Written specifically for teenage and young fathers. Focuses on handling the
responsibilities, looks at fathers' rights and gives useful information on parenting
from conception to the age of three. More than 60 young fathers were interviewed.
Buy
this book from Amazon.
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