Vee-TV

Mixing it

This week the VEE-TV debate was on the subject of mixed deaf/hearing relationships. Can they work?

Beth Colwill is in a relationship with a hearing interpreter and points out that you cannot choose who you will ultimately fall in love with. She believes people should not 'limit their pool of partners by stating that they have to be deaf or hearing'.

'If I had decided that I wouldn't go out with Andrew because he was hearing,' Beth says, 'I would have missed out on a fantastic relationship. I believe in broadening horizons and going out with people because you like them and not because they are deaf or hearing or whatever.'

Communication and compromise

Tina Kelberman says she prefers a deaf partner: 'When I go out with a deaf man, I feel part of the Deaf community, knowing we are both deaf.' But it's about being able to communicate and relate, as in any relationship. 'With a hearing man I find myself communicating in SSE [Sign Supported English] and having to sign slowly,' Tina says 'If the hearing person is from a deaf family, or an interpreter, or signs fluently, and they have a strong Deaf personality, then I could be attracted to that...'

For Tim Northam, it's a case of finding a compromise: 'Personally, I would date a hearing person if I think he's the type who wouldn't mind learning sign language and so on – otherwise it'll just be for fun!'

Tim finds himself joining the hearing community if he wants to be part of the gay community. He says there are few deaf gay people in Bristol, so it's off to the hearing pub to meet potential dates.

Friends and families

What about friends' and family's reactions? Because Andrew is an interpreter, most of his friends are connected with the Deaf world, so Beth's deafness is not much of an issue. 'To be honest I don't even think about it at all really,' she says. 'I don't think they perceive me as a "deaf" person – more as Andrew's girlfriend.'

While Tina complains of feeling dismissed when she asks hearing boyfriends what they're talking about in the pub, Andrew, as a hearing partner, has only felt excluded once – when he went to meet Beth at the Deaf Club and it was the night when no hearing people were allowed in.

Tina talks about the importance of 'the three Cs – communication, compatibility and compromise'. But it's not only people in a mixed relationship who have to watch out for these. 'There can be mix-ups, but sometimes it doesn't matter that it's a deaf and hearing couple,' she says. 'It could be two deaf people who don't communicate very well.'

In other words, you've just got to be compatible, and as Andrew says: 'If it works for you, then why not?'