Coming Out

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Introduction

Are you gay?

Do you want to tell anybody?

> Who do you want to tell ... and how?

What you can do now that the closet doors have swung open

Yahoo! I'm alive! (which is much harder than I thought)

Where to go for help

A beginner's guide to coming out planet out

STEP THREE

WHO DO YOU WANT TO TELL AND HOW?

PLEASE TICK ONE OR MORE OF THE CATEGORIES BELOW AND THEN TELL THEM

Friends

They are probably the easiest people to tell. Always tell your closest and oldest friends first. They will probably feel very protective towards you. Of course, some may react badly. They may worry about being thought gay themselves and, I’m afraid, you may just lose their friendship. But on the whole, trust your friends. They will be your greatest allies.

If you’re young, your friends may well just find your being gay kind of intriguing but reasonably ordinary. Don't expect fanfares as if you’re something special!

If you’re older, you may be more nervous, if only because your friends have thought you’re straight for longer - particularly if you’ve been married. But really close friends may feel very proud and touched that you’ve chosen to tell them.

School mates

I’m sorry if this sounds alarmist, but watch out for bullies and make sure you know a sympathetic teacher. It can be tough at school. Most people these days have all seen EastEnders, Hollyoaks, In&Out, My Best Friend’s Wedding and all the other gay people on TV or in the movies, so they should be quite used to the idea. If they’re not, they’re idiots ... but, sadly, some of them are. So just look after yourself and don’t tell anyone at all unless you feel confident.

College mates

At college or university, there will probably be a lesbian, gay and bisexual group. Join even if you leave seconds later. That way you’ll meet people. It tends to be much easier to come out at college or university. And who knows: you may meet your first love. (Make 'aaaah' sounds now and think of little puppies...)

Playmates

If you're in a club or a society or a sports team or you’re the West Dorset tiddlywinks champ, or Ms Pottery Evening Class or whatever, just get one thing straight in your head. You're no different from the prop forward or the bridge demon or the tennis doubles partner or the gardener you were before you came out.

You do these things because they’re a laugh and good fun. And nothing is going to get in the way of that. This is a classic time to remember that being gay is not all of you. It’s just one bit and it definitely shouldn’t affect the way you climb a mountain or sail a boat. If you do have trouble, look in the gay press and see if you can find a gay or lesbian club devoted to your interest. You’ll be amazed at what's available!

Work colleagues

Has anyone else come out in your workplace? How did it go down? Who was OK about it? Why not try and tell them about yourself first?

And don’t feel obliged to come out. Work is not your private life and you may want to keep the two separate. But don’t get yourself into the position where you have to lie. It horribly uncomfortable. There’s nothing worse than being asked to dinner or the pub and 'Do bring your wife/husband' ... when you haven’t got one and never will. Just think ahead about what you would want to do in that situation. And do what makes you feel comfortable.

If your job is involved with kids, be careful: people can be very bigoted about gays and lesbians. So just watch out and don’t let them give you a hard time. Make sure your boss, if he or she is sympathetic, or your trade union rep knows and will stand up for you if there’s trouble. Your union may have a gay and lesbian section.

Family

This can be a tricky one. Mainly because, by telling them, you will probably knock their expectations. For one thing, most parents expect to have grandchildren. Now, you may well one day have kids, but your average stick-in-the-mud grown-up doesn’t tend to have that possibility in the 'gay file' in their brain.

Second, don’t forget: you may be 18 or 55 but you’re still their 'little girl' or 'little boy'. Parents don’t find it easy to think about their kids having sex anyway, let alone having gay or lesbian sex. They’ve heard all sorts of dreadful rumours and scurrilous, ill-informed gossip about what we 'do in bed', so they may be shocked. My suggestion would be to avoid discussing your sex life with your parents, whether you’re gay, straight or in a religious order. It’s none of their business.

They may, of course, be worried about AIDS. And so might you. So let’s say one thing right out. AIDS can be contracted as a result of unprotected sex. There are some rules about having sex (see below) and there are very experienced and friendly people around to give you advice (see Where to go for help). If you don’t know, then ask. Ignorance in life is generally a bad thing (although you may do well never to find out about folk dancing). If you’re worried about AIDS, always ask for advice, and above all, NEVER do anything sexually that you don’t want to. That’s NEVER, EVER.

DOES AIDS FRIGHTEN YOU?

AIDS frightens us all. But since it first appeared on the scene, a great deal of research has been done, and there is a lot of good advice about how to avoid the risk of infection.

HIV is the virus that can lead to AIDS and it can be passed on through sex. Even if you’re not thinking of having sex for a while, be a little Boy Scout or Girl Guide - be prepared! These are the basics as far as sexual transmission is concerned:

HIV is found in blood and in semen (men) and vaginal fluid (women).

Sex that lets any of these into your body is a risk for HIV infection/AIDS.

Having anal sex and not using a strong condom is the highest-risk thing to do for both partners.

Oral sex is believed to cause HIV infection only rarely and so is classed as 'safer sex'. However, to be extra careful, avoid it.

There is no risk of HIV infection from kissing or masturbation.

If you want to know more about what precautions to take, phone a helpline and ask (see Where to go for help).

Do not do anything sexual that you do not want to do. Use your head at all times.

Now if you do want to tell your parents, try and be compassionate. The dear people know far less about it all than you, and they may need time. You may want to write to them so that they have a chance to talk to each other first. Or you may want to sit them down and tell them face to face. Try not to make it a confrontation of any kind.

If they have found out already - because they’ve discovered your gay mags under the bed, or a neighbour saw you at the local gay pub or snogging your work mate or whatever - and they confront you, your best bet is to come clean. This may be very frightening. In the worst possible case, they may really over-react and throw you out if you’re living at home. Don't panic. I know that’s easy to say, but do try to stay calm underneath the tears and the turmoil. Either find a friend to stay with until your mum and dad get back on their trolley. Or phone one of the helplines you can find listed in Where to go for help and ask for advice.

Before you do any of this with your parents, you may find it easier to tell your brothers or sisters. There’s no guarantee that they’ll be Master and Ms Hipster about it, and they might just freak out because you share a room with them, or it makes them think they’re gay, or they think their friends are going to give them a hard time or whatever. Don't forget that you might be dealing with morons here. Who knows? But think about it. Actually you should have a pretty good idea of what they’re like. And don’t forget that brothers or sisters who feel easy about you being gay can be a great help in calming parents.

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR PARENTS THROW A WOBBLER

Well, we need to get them help. The best place is one of the parents' organisations, such as Parents' Enquiry, started by the wonderful Rose Robertson who is about 900 years old now and has been doing this since the Sixties. Her volunteers all parents of gays and lesbians can help you, and they can also talk to your parents if you like.

Often parents can’t cope because they’re very religious. There is a lesbian and gay Christian movement and there is nothing, despite what people say, to stop you being gay and religious. In fact, in the case of many vicars, quite the reverse seems to be true.

In general, it might be good, before you tell your parents, to have a friend on standby, in case anything goes wrong. If your parents get violent or try and take you to the priest or the doctor, resist. They have no legal power over you to do anything about the fact that you’re gay. Nothing will stop you being gay - because you are. And they probably just need calming down. But if you do need legal advice - and, remember, your parents have no rights over you - call your local Gay Switchboard.

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR PARENTS DON’T THROW A WOBBLER

Celebrate and offer to rent them out to anybody whose parents aren’t coping well. Seriously, if they are fine about it, they can be a huge help to others. You will find that, if your parents are known to have no problem about you being gay, other friends will come and talk to them if they feel worried.

WHAT TO DO TO IF YOU’RE ETHNICALLY ENHANCED - TRAD FAMILIES CAN BE A NIGHTMARE

In many of the minority communities in Britain, being gay can be particularly difficult because of the strong emphasis on traditional family and marriage. The family may be doubly important and very tightly knit because it can protect its members from the effects of racism. So telling your family that you’re gay if you’re Asian or West Indian might feel trebly difficult. You may end up feeling excluded from your own community.

However, remember that, even if it’s really difficult for you, other people have done it before. There are groups of Asian and black gay people you can phone or go along to meet. Their experiences will help you. And who knows? You might meet someone. Then you can go back to your parents and tell them that you’re gay, but the good news is that you’re going out with another black guy/girl!

Heterosexual partners

You don’t have to be an agony aunt to know that telling your partner, wife or husband that, in fact, you’re gay or lesbian can be a bit delicate. So do realise that they might feel very let down or rejected and that they might become very angry. Perhaps they feel you’ve cheated them somehow. So be gentle. You probably do love them, even if not sexually. So try and respect that love, and them. And you won’t be the first couple this has happened to. If you doubt that, call Relate (see Where to go for help) and they’ll tell you. And they can also help you.

Your kids

Tread carefully. How old are your kids? What will they understand? How will being a bit different (that is, having a gay parent) affect them at school? Would it be helpful to tell their teacher in case they get any trouble from other kids? It’s much more important that your children are happy than it is that you tell them you’re gay. You may want to wait, follow their natural curiosity and just answer their questions as they come up. Lots of parents have gone through this, so call one of the helplines and find someone to talk to. The advice you receive will be invaluable and confidential.

Introduction Are you gay? Do you want to tell anybody? > Who do you want to tell ... and how? What you can do now that the closet doors have swung open Yahoo! I'm alive! (which is much harder than I thought) Where to go for help	STEP THREE WHO DO YOU WANT TO TELL AND HOW? PLEASE TICK ONE OR MORE OF THE CATEGORIES BELOW AND THEN TELL THEM Friends They are probably the easiest people to tell. Always tell your closest and oldest friends first. They will probably feel very protective towards you. Of course, some may react badly. They may worry about being thought gay themselves and, I’m afraid, you may just lose their friendship. But on the whole, trust your friends. They will be your greatest allies. If you’re young, your friends may well just find your being gay kind of intriguing but reasonably ordinary. Don't expect fanfares as if you’re something special! If you’re older, you may be more nervous, if only because your friends have thought you’re straight for longer - particularly if you’ve been married. But really close friends may feel very proud and touched that you’ve chosen to tell them. School mates I’m sorry if this sounds alarmist, but watch out for bullies and make sure you know a sympathetic teacher. It can be tough at school. Most people these days have all seen EastEnders, Hollyoaks, In&Out, My Best Friend’s Wedding and all the other gay people on TV or in the movies, so they should be quite used to the idea. If they’re not, they’re idiots ... but, sadly, some of them are. So just look after yourself and don’t tell anyone at all unless you feel confident. College mates At college or university, there will probably be a lesbian, gay and bisexual group. Join even if you leave seconds later. That way you’ll meet people. It tends to be much easier to come out at college or university. And who knows: you may meet your first love. (Make 'aaaah' sounds now and think of little puppies...) Playmates If you're in a club or a society or a sports team or you’re the West Dorset tiddlywinks champ, or Ms Pottery Evening Class or whatever, just get one thing straight in your head. You're no different from the prop forward or the bridge demon or the tennis doubles partner or the gardener you were before you came out. You do these things because they’re a laugh and good fun. And nothing is going to get in the way of that. This is a classic time to remember that being gay is not all of you. It’s just one bit and it definitely shouldn’t affect the way you climb a mountain or sail a boat. If you do have trouble, look in the gay press and see if you can find a gay or lesbian club devoted to your interest. You’ll be amazed at what's available! Work colleagues Has anyone else come out in your workplace? How did it go down? Who was OK about it? Why not try and tell them about yourself first? And don’t feel obliged to come out. Work is not your private life and you may want to keep the two separate. But don’t get yourself into the position where you have to lie. It horribly uncomfortable. There’s nothing worse than being asked to dinner or the pub and 'Do bring your wife/husband' ... when you haven’t got one and never will. Just think ahead about what you would want to do in that situation. And do what makes you feel comfortable. If your job is involved with kids, be careful: people can be very bigoted about gays and lesbians. So just watch out and don’t let them give you a hard time. Make sure your boss, if he or she is sympathetic, or your trade union rep knows and will stand up for you if there’s trouble. Your union may have a gay and lesbian section. Family This can be a tricky one. Mainly because, by telling them, you will probably knock their expectations. For one thing, most parents expect to have grandchildren. Now, you may well one day have kids, but your average stick-in-the-mud grown-up doesn’t tend to have that possibility in the 'gay file' in their brain. Second, don’t forget: you may be 18 or 55 but you’re still their 'little girl' or 'little boy'. Parents don’t find it easy to think about their kids having sex anyway, let alone having gay or lesbian sex. They’ve heard all sorts of dreadful rumours and scurrilous, ill-informed gossip about what we 'do in bed', so they may be shocked. My suggestion would be to avoid discussing your sex life with your parents, whether you’re gay, straight or in a religious order. It’s none of their business. They may, of course, be worried about AIDS. And so might you. So let’s say one thing right out. AIDS can be contracted as a result of unprotected sex. There are some rules about having sex (see below) and there are very experienced and friendly people around to give you advice (see Where to go for help). If you don’t know, then ask. Ignorance in life is generally a bad thing (although you may do well never to find out about folk dancing). If you’re worried about AIDS, always ask for advice, and above all, NEVER do anything sexually that you don’t want to. That’s NEVER, EVER.
	DOES AIDS FRIGHTEN YOU? AIDS frightens us all. But since it first appeared on the scene, a great deal of research has been done, and there is a lot of good advice about how to avoid the risk of infection. HIV is the virus that can lead to AIDS and it can be passed on through sex. Even if you’re not thinking of having sex for a while, be a little Boy Scout or Girl Guide - be prepared! These are the basics as far as sexual transmission is concerned: HIV is found in blood and in semen (men) and vaginal fluid (women). Sex that lets any of these into your body is a risk for HIV infection/AIDS. Having anal sex and not using a strong condom is the highest-risk thing to do for both partners. Oral sex is believed to cause HIV infection only rarely and so is classed as 'safer sex'. However, to be extra careful, avoid it. There is no risk of HIV infection from kissing or masturbation. If you want to know more about what precautions to take, phone a helpline and ask (see Where to go for help). Do not do anything sexual that you do not want to do. Use your head at all times.
	Now if you do want to tell your parents, try and be compassionate. The dear people know far less about it all than you, and they may need time. You may want to write to them so that they have a chance to talk to each other first. Or you may want to sit them down and tell them face to face. Try not to make it a confrontation of any kind. If they have found out already - because they’ve discovered your gay mags under the bed, or a neighbour saw you at the local gay pub or snogging your work mate or whatever - and they confront you, your best bet is to come clean. This may be very frightening. In the worst possible case, they may really over-react and throw you out if you’re living at home. Don't panic. I know that’s easy to say, but do try to stay calm underneath the tears and the turmoil. Either find a friend to stay with until your mum and dad get back on their trolley. Or phone one of the helplines you can find listed in Where to go for help and ask for advice. Before you do any of this with your parents, you may find it easier to tell your brothers or sisters. There’s no guarantee that they’ll be Master and Ms Hipster about it, and they might just freak out because you share a room with them, or it makes them think they’re gay, or they think their friends are going to give them a hard time or whatever. Don't forget that you might be dealing with morons here. Who knows? But think about it. Actually you should have a pretty good idea of what they’re like. And don’t forget that brothers or sisters who feel easy about you being gay can be a great help in calming parents.
	WHAT TO DO IF YOUR PARENTS THROW A WOBBLER Well, we need to get them help. The best place is one of the parents' organisations, such as Parents' Enquiry, started by the wonderful Rose Robertson who is about 900 years old now and has been doing this since the Sixties. Her volunteers all parents of gays and lesbians can help you, and they can also talk to your parents if you like. Often parents can’t cope because they’re very religious. There is a lesbian and gay Christian movement and there is nothing, despite what people say, to stop you being gay and religious. In fact, in the case of many vicars, quite the reverse seems to be true. In general, it might be good, before you tell your parents, to have a friend on standby, in case anything goes wrong. If your parents get violent or try and take you to the priest or the doctor, resist. They have no legal power over you to do anything about the fact that you’re gay. Nothing will stop you being gay - because you are. And they probably just need calming down. But if you do need legal advice - and, remember, your parents have no rights over you - call your local Gay Switchboard.
	WHAT TO DO IF YOUR PARENTS DON’T THROW A WOBBLER Celebrate and offer to rent them out to anybody whose parents aren’t coping well. Seriously, if they are fine about it, they can be a huge help to others. You will find that, if your parents are known to have no problem about you being gay, other friends will come and talk to them if they feel worried.
	WHAT TO DO TO IF YOU’RE ETHNICALLY ENHANCED - TRAD FAMILIES CAN BE A NIGHTMARE In many of the minority communities in Britain, being gay can be particularly difficult because of the strong emphasis on traditional family and marriage. The family may be doubly important and very tightly knit because it can protect its members from the effects of racism. So telling your family that you’re gay if you’re Asian or West Indian might feel trebly difficult. You may end up feeling excluded from your own community. However, remember that, even if it’s really difficult for you, other people have done it before. There are groups of Asian and black gay people you can phone or go along to meet. Their experiences will help you. And who knows? You might meet someone. Then you can go back to your parents and tell them that you’re gay, but the good news is that you’re going out with another black guy/girl!
	Heterosexual partners You don’t have to be an agony aunt to know that telling your partner, wife or husband that, in fact, you’re gay or lesbian can be a bit delicate. So do realise that they might feel very let down or rejected and that they might become very angry. Perhaps they feel you’ve cheated them somehow. So be gentle. You probably do love them, even if not sexually. So try and respect that love, and them. And you won’t be the first couple this has happened to. If you doubt that, call Relate (see Where to go for help) and they’ll tell you. And they can also help you. Your kids Tread carefully. How old are your kids? What will they understand? How will being a bit different (that is, having a gay parent) affect them at school? Would it be helpful to tell their teacher in case they get any trouble from other kids? It’s much more important that your children are happy than it is that you tell them you’re gay. You may want to wait, follow their natural curiosity and just answer their questions as they come up. Lots of parents have gone through this, so call one of the helplines and find someone to talk to. The advice you receive will be invaluable and confidential.