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Jamie's School Dinners

Food Most Fowl

Professor F Rankfurter in: FOOD MOST FOUL. Fit only for the strong-stomached, a gut-wrenching tale of unstoppable greed.

Long, long ago, in the 1990s, a new invention was unleashed on an unsuspecting world, an invention so loathsome, so corrupt that it would come to undermine the health of millions. This repugnant, but fiendishly clever idea, was the brainchild of Professor F Rankfurter. His story begins one stormy night, in his mountain-top lair, Castle Filth...

Scene 1

Dark and stormy night...
Effects Thunder, lightning, spooky drama music
Narration At last! The perfect conditions to complete my life's work.

Scene 2

Prof in lab, waving arms in manic triumph. Cage packed full of chickens is on the slab, with complicated electrical apparatus around. Flashes of lightning/electricity illuminate the scene
Effects Thunder and lightning, clucking in background
Narration For years I had been seeking ways make my fortune.

Scene 3

Prof turns the winch. The cage begins to rise.
Effects Squeaky winch, thunder and lightning. Tension music
Narration To create, from simple, everyday food...

Scene 4

Close up of worried chickens looking skyward.
Effects Squeaky winch, thunder and lightning. Worried clucking.

Scene 5

Low angle of cage rising towards trap door in roof. Trap door grates open revealing stormy sky.
Effects Winch, grating stone of trap door. Clucking gets fainter.
Narration ...a source of wealth undreamed of.

Scene 6

Castle struck by lightning
Effects Powerful lightning crack. Dramatic music.
Narration I would harness the power of the elements...

Scene 7

Professor throws the switch.
Effects Electricity arcing, manic laughter.
Narration And turn these humble fowl, into....

Scene 8

Electrocuted, burnt chicken corpses, a few feathers still clinging, hung from metal shackles on a moving rail.
Effects Mechanical sound of moving rail. Horror music.
Narration CHICKEN NUGGETS!!!

Scene 9

Pulped goo emerges from small hole in grinding machine on to a conveyor belt. Mechanical arm repeatedly stamps out nugget shapes. Another injects additives. Canisters in background labelled 'Water' 'Slurry', 'Gum'.
Effects Rhythmic splurge, stamp, grind...
Narration (increasingly manic) I mixed in unspeakable substances to make them plump, juicy, irresistibly tasty.

Scene 10

Action continues, professor happily pushing buttons.
Narration Yes, I had created gulpable, mega-shelf-life junk food for next to nothing, and soon I'd be selling it in shed-loads. I'd be RICH! And then - a brainwave - why stop at chicken?

Scene 11

Prof zaps a bowl of anaemic white spaghetti sludge, with ray. Sludge becomes bright glowing orange.
Effects Zap then low radioactive humming as bowl pulses orange.
Narration With my amazing capacity to make total garbage edible, I could transform any natural food into chemically enhanced junk.

Scene 12

Professor turns tap. White anaemic potato slices are showered with bright green chemical. (large vats in background, showing scary chemical names, E numbers etc. After shower, chips appear crispy golden.
Effects Shower
Narration I worked out how to process out the nutrition; piled in the trashiest ingredients.

Scene 13

Professor injects small anaemic muffin with fat. As he does so, it expands and turns chocolaty brown.
Effects Splurge.
Narration (excited) ...I could sell this rubbish a thousand times over. Soon, people would forget how to cook. Little children would grow up not knowing what real, unadulterated food tasted like. (cackles)

Scene 14

Prof carefully removes a vial of cola formula from beneath some apparatus. A drip from the apparatus lands on the desk, and burns through it.
Effects Drip - acid hiss, burning
Narration I could infiltrate every supermarket, every fridge, every canteen, restaurant and caf�. I'd be RICH, RICH! Ah,ha,ha!

Scene 15

Former 'volunteers' heads in jars, showing only minor side Effects. One or two spots on first head, one rotten tooth in second head etc...
Narration At first, the effects weren't strong enough. My subjects still looked too healthy...

Scene 16

Prof stands proudly by his perfected machinery. Plates of food emerge on conveyor belt
Effects Rhythmic cacophony of mechanical noise
Narration ...but at last I devised the perfect formula,

Scene 17

Close up of the prf's creation - canteen-style meal, nuggets, chips spaghetti hoops.
Narration ...and vowed to test it on myself.

Scene 18

Professor prepares to test the meal.
Narration It was the only way to be sure. Just a taste, that's all it needed...

Scene 19

Rear view of prof tucking in
Effects Gobble, slurp, munch...
Narration But once I'd started, I couldn't stop. That sweet-salty-greasy-grungy sensation was addictive. I wanted more, more, MORE!

Scene 20

Big close up - prof's face contorts
Effects Tense music. Gulp!

Scene 21

Prof slides under the table in agony.
Effects High drama music. Aaargghh! - Belch! -Aaarghh! - Fart!

Scene 22

The creature begins to rise...
Effects Tense music.

Scene 22

Screen blacks out. silence. Then the prof is revealed, transformed into a fat spotty teenager. Greasy, dripping hair, sweaty, rotten mouth. A bloody stump of tooth falls out. Dribbling saliva. A large boil spontaneously erupts spraying puss.
Effects Spot bursting, tooth dropping. Pitiful moaning and pig-grunting. Horrifying finale music .

Are you ready to face the hideous truth about junk food?

Chicken nuggets

Cheap ones contain as little as 16% pulped chicken doctored with skin; water; proteins extracted from feathers, hide or bone; mechanically retrieved meat; salt; sugar; additives. Unscrupulous manufacturers use minced meat to disguise even worse contents: banned carcinogenic antibiotics, recycled pet food, and poultry treated with cattle protein have all turned up in chicken on its way to the fast-food factory.
Health warning: obesity, cardiovascular disease, vitamin and mineral deficiency symptoms like weakened bones and teeth, poor immunity.

Canned spaghetti

High on carbohydrate, salt and sugar; disastrously low in fibre.
Health warning: chronic constipation, bad breath.

Chips

Nearly half their calorie-content comes from fat. Chips made with coating also contain salt and other additives.
Health warning: obesity, high blood pressure, coronary disease.

Chocolate muffin

Stuffed full of sugar, plus partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, which has no nutritional value and is seriously bad for heart and arteries.
Health warning: obesity, bad teeth, cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes.

Soft drink

At 7–8p, the metal can costs more than the ingredients, which are less than 2p's worth of water, additives, caffeine and sugar or sweetener. One can of cola contains the equivalent of 10 teaspoons of sugar.
Health warning: obesity, poor skin, bad teeth, anxiety, depression, poor concentration, lowered bone density in girls.

Secret formulas

Salt, sodium

Gives taste to flavourless, over-processed fast foods. Too much causes high blood pressure and heart disease.

Flavourings and colourings

Replace or enhance natural colours and flavours destroyed by processing. Can cause asthma, rashes, hyperactivity. Banned from children's food in many countries, but not the UK.

Sugars

Too much causes obesity leading to heart disease, cancer risk and diabetes. May be disguised as dextrose, fructose, glucose, agave, dextrin, galactose, brown rice syrup and xylitol.

Modified starches

Nutrition - zero, calories - loads. Bulking agents, used to soak up water injected into chicken; imitate texture of fresh fruit and veg in baby foods, yoghurts, tomato sauces, instant cereals, fruit drinks; disguise 'off' flavours' and smells.

E numbers

Covers a wide range of additives, like emulsifiers, stabilisers, preservatives and thickeners. Some are harmful, such as colour preservative sulphur dioxide (E220), which destroys vitamin B1 and can cause asthma.

Fats and oils

Mainly high calorie/low nutrient vegetable oils treated for long shelf life. Worst are the hydrogenated oils which cause heart disease. These are widespread in sweets, cakes, biscuits, crisps, ready meals. There's loads of information about what foods are good and bad for you in What's healthy stuff?

Antidote

Fibre

Helps bowels work properly, flushes toxins from gut, helps keep cholesterol levels normal. Found in fruit, vegetables, whole grains, brown rice, high-fibre cereals.

Vitamins and minerals

Vitamin A, needed for healing and immunity. In carrots, spinach, eggs, liver. B-complex vitamins are essential for brain and nervous system, and healthy skin and hair. In raw fruit and veg, whole grains, seeds.

Vitamin C builds immunity, protects heart, is anti-ageing. In citrus fruits, tomatoes, strawberries, potatoes.

Vitamin D, vital for healthy bones. In tuna, salmon, egg yolks. Iron is crucial for healthy blood. In watercress, spinach, liver.

Calcium (in dark green vegetables, yogurt, cheese, milk) and magnesium (in soya, nuts, whole grains bananas) keep nervous system healthy, build strong bones and teeth.

Go to Fab food at home for some great ways to ensure your diet includes all the vitamins and minerals you need.

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