THE ENEMY WITHIN
They might look like your parents, they might sound like your parents, but you know they are really alien replicants of your abducted mum and dad. Treat them as such.
 

STICK TO THE POINT
Piercings: studs, bars, rings – the more the merrier. A good rule of thumb is that you can pierce anything. Even your thumb. If your parents say anything, just point at your mum's earrings and start screaming 'HYPOCRITES!!!' at the top of your voice.
 

DO YOUR HOMEWORK
Watch carefully to see which one of your friends irritates your parents the most, then immediately ask him or her out on a date.
 

IT'S GOOD TO TEXT
Write any notes to your parents in txt-speak, making sure you include as many grammatical inaccuracies as possible. This will help make them feel both slightly depressed and alienated at the same time.
 

NOT UNDER YOUR ROOF...
Play your parents off against each other until they stop speaking and end up in separate bedrooms. If you can't have sex in the house, why should they? Besides, it's all far too gross at their age.
 

VARY YOUR TACTICS
Keep your parents on their toes by interrupting long weeks of moody silence with brief demonstrations of (apparently) spontaneous affection. This will mess with their minds.
 

ORGANISE YOUR FINANCES
Never let your parents' income curb your expenditure. If they stop your allowance, try borrowing money from them. At night. When they're asleep.
 

THE FAMILY MEAL
Keep topped up with burgers to avoid the agony of sitting down for meals with the family. If they do corner you, refuse to talk during the meal. Instead, concentrate on getting bits of food caught in your facial piercings. The invitations should soon dry up (even if the piercings don't…)
 

WORK ON YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Avoid wasting valuable texting time by speaking to humans. If you have to say anything, why not try ending every sentence with an irritating Australian interrogative inflexion? It could, like, really, really annoy people?
 

THE RULES OF ATTRACTION
If you do have sex, always use a condom – both to keep you safe and prevent an unwanted pregnancy. (Because just imagine how awful it would be if you ended up having to look after someone like you…)
 

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