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You've made it together through the birth, the 'terrible twos' and the first day at school. But now the apple of your eye has turned into a teenager. How on earth can you get through this?
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KNOW THINE ENEMY
Still imagine the teenager in your house bears any relation to that bundle of joy you once held in your arms? Who are you kidding? Think of them as a lodger. Who doesn't pay any rent. And hates you.
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ATTACK IS THE BEST FORM OF DEFENCE
No one likes juvenile temper tantrums, verbal abuse and hysterical crying fits. Indulge in these vigorously enough, and maybe your teenager will go out and leave you in peace.
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KINDLY LEAVE THE ROOM
Teenagers like a dark and slightly damp habitat. Make no attempt to disturb their bedroom by futile gestures such as picking up clothes from the floor. This is both cruel and pointless – they will only reassemble the nest.
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IT'S GOOD TO TEXT
When your teenager falls asleep, prise the mobile phone from their grip and text aggressive messages to all their contacts. Remember, the fewer friends your teenager has, the less chance of them hosting a wild party in your absence.
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KISS IT BETTER
Insist on hugging and kissing your teenager in front of their peers. This won't do anyone any good, but you might enjoy watching them squirm. Hey, you've got to get some fun out of this, right?
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LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY
When confronted with an angry teenager, adopt the same policy as you would when facing an aggressive predator: raise your arms to appear as large as possible, avoid direct eye contact and retreat to a place of relative safety, such as the bathroom. (It's unlikely they'll follow you into this alien environment.)
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POUR OUT YOUR TROUBLES
It's the classic identity crisis. Your son or daughter feels like an adult, you feel like a stiff drink. So have one. It's well after 6pm, after all. Somewhere in the world…
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MONEY TALKS
Music may soothe the savage breast, but hard cash has more effect on the average teenager. During the next blazing row, whip out your wallet and start counting out fivers. As the eyes glaze over and the arm extends, so the bellowing will gradually diminish to a soft mewling and, when transfer is complete, a solitary grunt of satisfaction.
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LET SLEEPING TEENS LIE
To paraphrase Aliens: 'They mostly sleep at night… mostly.' It's a medical fact that teenagers need, on average, four more hours in bed than their parents think advisable. Interrupt this at your peril – just remember how much more loveable they are when they're unconscious.
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GOODBYE TO ALL THAT
Remember, it won't last forever. All too soon, your loved one will be flying the nest and leaving home forever. And if they don't – you should…
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