ANIMALS DO THE CRAZIEST THINGS
Wild animals are weird. Instead of lying down quietly in the fridge covered in cling-film, they run around all over the place. Our advice? Bring your own food.
 

FROM DUSK TO DAWN
Night-time in the wilderness, and the natural sodium-yellow glow of a city nightscape is replaced by – nothing! Instead, the endless black of Satan's soul stretches out into infinity on all sides, full of demons, werewolves and more vampires than an average Californian high-school. So carry a torch. A really big one.
 

FIRESTARTER!
The ancient art of starting a fire by rubbing two sticks together is not as difficult as it looks. Just make sure one of the sticks is a matchstick, and the other is not so much a 'stick' but more of a matchbox-type thing.
 

TEAMWORK
Choose your fellow travellers carefully. Look for people who share your outlook and sense of humour, as sticking together in a time of crisis can be crucial to survival. But also seek out companions who are slightly weaker than you physically. This will be important if things turn out badly and you have to overpower them and devour their flesh in order to avoid starvation.
 

THE REAL THING?
Take sensible precautions with your drinking supply. For instance, avoid bottled water that is really expensive tap water subjected to a highly sophisticated purification process resulting in dangerously high levels of cancer causing bromate...
 

CANDID CAMERAS
Film crews now out number wild animals by three to one, and it's highly likely you'll encounter one on your expedition. Remember, this is their territory, not yours. Make no sudden movements. Instead, back off slowly while talking in a low, calm voice, taking care to avoid phrases such as 'spurious editing techniques' and 'invasive impact'.
 

LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT
It's important only to carry essential items into the wilderness. Everyone loves board-games, but avoid the larger makes such as Risk and Monopoly. Instead, consider a more compact alternative – such as Boggle.
 

COLD COMFORT
Even in a hot climate, nightfall can lead to extremely low temperatures. To conserve heat, you should huddle together with your companions. ('Huddle' is basically the same as 'cuddle', but the leading consonant was changed by insecure same-sex huddlers with issues about their sexuality.)
 

DON'T EAT YOUR GREENS
The wilderness is teeming with more menacing animals than you can shake a stick at (not always a bad policy), and its vegetation is equally dangerous. For every wild plant that's a source of food or medicine, you can find another that's a source of deadly hallucinogenic poison. These different species are often completely indistinguishable from each other. Except by taste...
 

NATURE OR NURTURE?
To sum up – the wilderness is a scary place, which is why people invented towns. Are you sure you wouldn't rather watch it all on some nature programme on TV?
 

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