Tudor jobs • Page 3
As we all know, the monarch rules by divine right. For those of you without education, let me inform: the king or queen is chosen by God to rule, and therefore any heir to the throne who will later become a king or queen must also be divine. Of course, this means that it would be highly illegal, not to say most undesirable, to chastise, clip, whack or slipper a young prince or princess for any infraction of the rules.
Here's your opening: a post is available as royal whipping boy. You will be fed, housed and clothed by the royal court – all you have to do is make yourself available to touch your toes whenever the sweet prince or princess does anything bad. By taking the punishment of a royal caning on behalf of the heir, you can console yourself by knowing that you are protecting the royal backside. The secreting of a wad of parchment down the trousers whenever you hear the order 'Get me the whipping boy!' is not permitted.
Do you have a taste for rich food and enjoy playing culinary roulette? In these troubled times, a position has arisen in the royal house to be her majesty's official food taster. You never know when some wretched rascal is going to have a pop at the queen and slip something nasty into a dainty dish, so your job is to taste everything before it crosses the royal lips.
A sip of soup here, a smidgen of pie there, there's no end to the delights that await your taste buds. Of course, you won't actually get to eat any complete dishes, and there's always the chance that you'll crash to the floor clutching you throat as, with your last gasps, you slip off this mortal coil. But the money is fantastic and better than that – you'll be protecting the queen!
Wanted: tour manager with experience of working with clients of the highest calibre. With a staff of several hundred, the successful candidate will be in charge of taking a monarch and some 1,000 royal courtiers on the road for the summer progress.
With a budget of hundreds of thousands of pounds, the grand Elizabethan UK tour of 1578 will take in most of the prestigious houses in the land. You will be responsible for milking the various aristocratic hosts for all you can get so that the queen gets a good night's entertainment and a bed for the night.
As well as the royal entourage you will need to ensure the safe transport of a vast array of royal property, including furniture and even treasured wall hangings, using a fleet of tour wagons. As many of your hosts will not necessarily welcome a royal visit, you will need highly polished diplomatic skills and the patience of a saint.
Are you good with maps and handy with a horse? A position has recently opened up for a royal messenger.
With no time to spare, you will spend your days and nights racing across the country in all weathers, delivering important news, letters and packages for the monarch. You must be trustworthy, and tight-lipped about your business when staying in local hostelries.
Eyes in the back of your head would be a bonus as many villains will await you on the lonely trails, ready to take your life in an instant should you be carrying vital revelations about royal births or the succession. Together with the hawk-like perception of trouble ahead, you'll also need a pigeon-like sense for homing in on the royal party as they constantly up sticks and move around the country at short notice.
Communication is the future – be a part of it. Fresh horses will be provided at regular intervals.
