Tudor jobs • Page 2
For those of you who are from far humbler stock than the nobles but still have a yearning to work in the human sewage business, we can offer you the position of gong scourer, or gong farmer.
This high-risk business – digging out solid blockages of compacted excrement in sewers and emptying stodgy cesspits – can offer significant financial rewards. However, you are required to work unsociable hours when no one else is likely to be up. And your horse will probably be your best and only friend, bearing in mind the overwhelming stench that will continually surround you.
A boy actor is being sought for a performance of Mr Shakespeare's fine new play Macbeth. Playing the part of Lady Macbeth, you will portray a ruthless, scheming woman who goes completely mad after encouraging her husband to kill the king of Scotland. An extremely uncomfortable corset and poisonous lead make-up will be provided for your use.
Performances will take place during daylight hours at the Globe Theatre in London's Southwark. A sub-standard performance may result in a variety of organic missiles being thrown from the pit by the lower-class element in the audience. A good performance, however, may result in lots of appreciative applause.
Are you old, sick and destitute or very young and poor? Then thank your lucky stars and grab your thimble – you qualify for the position of pin-maker.
Nimble fingers are needed to manipulate tiny pieces of wire into various pin shapes and solder dainty heads on to their shafts. You will be handsomely rewarded for your 50-hour week with a daily loaf of bread. The high probability of contracting lung disease from the solder fumes is offset by the pleasure of seeing the better-off classes beautifully adorned in fancy ruffs, stomachers, corsets and petticoats, all secured with your pins.
Welcome to the world of woad – an invasive weed that, with a few simple pieces of equipment, fermented urine and wheat bran, can transform your world. Why not try your hand at woad processing and dyeing and discover a blue tone last used as body paint by the Picts in Roman Britain?
We are reliably informed that a poor sense of smell, or no sense of smell at all, would be a definite advantage in this job, unless you are one of those who find the aroma of cabbage mixed with excrement and cat wee particularly appealing. A desire to live outside the city walls, whence you and all your fellow workers will be banished, would also be a plus. This stuff stinks, but where there's muck, there's brass.
