Stuart jobs • Page 3
It's that time again, when the sedge has grown high in the fens and the harvest can begin. As a sedge harvester, you'll be scything acres of the wickedly sharp-edged reeds in all weather, up to your knees in stagnant water and regularly blown sideways by gusts of wind blasting across the exposed landscape. Lengths of rag will be supplied to bind your arms and legs to protect them against the razor-like plants. Shifting your own body weight in reeds each day will see you earn you a wage, even if it is a pittance.
Insects, parasites and snakes may hinder your progress, and the odd bout of malaria may knock you out of the game for short periods. Bent double all day with curved blade in hand, you can expect to suffer a little rheumatism in your joints. But you can take some consolation in knowing that you have a job, and that the fodder you are gathering will come in handy. You can also, if you fancy it, patch your roof with any leftovers.
If you're a specialist with a spade, this could be the job for you.
Posh folk are keen to drain the fens of East Anglia to make the land more productive. If you can cope with being an outcast and hated by the local peasant population, who all make their livings from the stinking bog, you could be on to a winner. You'll need more than a thick emotional skin, however – the insect life will see you as dinner and the mosquitoes will leave their malarial calling cards if you give them half a chance.
Using an array of spades that would leave any spade spotter drooling, you'll need to excavate endless runs of ditches and build miles of dykes to help manage the landscape. The gruelling work will also involve pushing wooden wheelbarrows up planked runs from the semolina-like slosh at the bottom to the top of the artificial banks.
Back at your camp after a hard day's work, you'll have to sleep with one eye open as the locals may well try to burn you out or trash the results of your hard toil. Chunky fingers for plugging dykes would also be an advantage.
If you'd like to be bad to the bone and more evil than most people could possibly imagine, you might consider becoming a sin eater. If you're a dark underworld type who is terrified of going to heaven, read on ...
As a sin eater, you will be responsible for consuming the evil and sins contained within the corpses of normal decent folk. When one of the godly community pops their clogs without getting the chance to own up to their wrongdoings, the sin gets trapped inside. As long as those bad things remain in there, St Peter's going to turn that individual away.
This position involves going to the house of such a dead person and sitting down to a bread and beer supper served up on the bare chest of the dearly departed. The idea is that the sins of the dead are absorbed by the bread. So as you tuck in, you get to fill up on evil and so cleanse the stiff. You'll get a sixpence for your trouble, but don't expect to make many friends. And you'd better make yourself scarce when any witch-finding commissions come to town as you'll be one of the first on their list.
Strong woman needed by growing firm of paint manufacturers. Hefting great sheets of lead, you'll need to be steady on a ladder as you climb to the top of a tower of vats 40 feet (12 metres) high containing horse manure covered in urine. Dropping your load into the vats, you'll need to retrieve lead sheets that, having been in the vats for six months, have oxidised, and bring them down to the hammering tables.
Vent your anger at having such a terrible job by beating the white scales from the lead and collecting them for pulverising to dust (remember not to breathe). Mixing the lead powder with linseed oil will create the most beautiful white paint, ideal for children's toys, ships and household joinery.
The main hazard of the job is lead poisoning, the symptoms of which include blue gums, headaches, partial paralysis and frequent bouts of madness. Life expectancy is short, but your efforts will be appreciated as the paint will decorate many things – from window frames to works of art.
More rabbit warrens are being ruined than ever before as a new craze sweeps the land: golf.
It is said that a fine gentleman wearing only the most outrageous clothes can hit a golf ball, or featherie, a stunning 100 yards. Of course, most fine gentlemen, no matter how stupendously dressed, are rotten drivers, and most featheries find their way into the nearest pond or bush rather than the hole. The boom in golf and the demand for balls has created this lucrative post.
After bringing several pints of bird feathers to the boil, you can enjoy their aroma as you set to cutting and stitching the skin of the leather ball. Leaving just the tiniest of holes, you then commence stuffing the ball with the wet feathers. The finished article may look like a meatball, but give it a few days to dry and the leather will shrink and the feathers harden. A final ducking in some healthy white lead paint (see above) and you're done.
The questionable British weather will put more business your way as the balls soon re-assume their meatball state after rolling just a few yards on wet grass, so cash in on this new sporting fad.
