The Worst Jobs in History

1  You've popped into your local newsagent to buy a paper and some Smints, when you see through the shop window masked men emerging from the building society opposite. Do you:

rush out of the shop and rugby-tackle the man holding the sawn-off shotgun, thus winning 'Have-a-go hero' headlines?

get the tobacconist to phone the police while you take down the number of the getaway car?

quickly look down and pretend to be engrossed in the Angling Times?

get genuinely distracted by the Angling Times – in particular, the photo of a prize-winning carp weighing a massive 64lb?

2  It's the weekend. Friends suggest a day's walking in the Welsh mountains. Do you take:

stout boots, all-weather gear, crampons, ice-pick, Kendal mint cake and 100 metres of high-tensile rope?

a waxed jacket, some walking boots, a flask of coffee and the RSPB Guide to European Birds?

trainers, a pair of old Primark jeans (in case you have to slide down the steep bits on your bottom) and a copy of The Good Pub Guide?

a copy of The Good Pub Guide and enough money to last while your friends do their walk?

3  You're throwing a stick for your dog in the park. By the sort of fluke that only happens in questionnaires, it lands in a stagnant, disused pond. The dog follows and gets into distress in a mass of stinking mud, goose-droppings and slime. Do you:

do nothing? (You believe that a dog is for Christmas and not for life.)

wade right in with no thought about whether you might get stuck?

wade in, but take off your Levis and T-shirt first?

call the park attendant and offer encouragement while he/she wades in?

4  A new telephone directory flumps heavily on to your doormat. Do you:

fail to realise because of the mass of bills, free newspapers and unsolicited mail already piled high round your front door?

immediately replace your old one with it?

put it on top of the old one, which has valuable numbers scribbled all over it?

transfer your valuable numbers into the new one, then read the front pages to see what exciting new features have been included and learn all the freephone numbers by heart?

5  Your mother-in-law has given your name to TV's How Clean Is Your House? team. A researcher turns up to assess your suitability for a visit from Aggie and Kim. First stop is your loo and bathroom. Does she:

go green and shaky and need to be brought round with a stiff whisky?

say that you'd be ideal, but advise you to clear up a bit first?

reject you on the grounds that you aren't dirty enough?

try and sign you up for a new spin-off show called Hygiene Hitlers?

6  Your firm is trying to cope with an extra order from a potentially vital customer. It's created a backlog of work for everyone. Do you:

tell your boss you'd be happy to work day and night until the job is done?

pitch in with everyone else but take some work home instead of doing overtime?

carry on as normal? (It's not your problem and there's no incentive to do more.)

bring a spare jacket into work to put on the back of your chair, so you can take a long lunch while everyone thinks you're in another office working hard?

7  Your local pub has a Friday Nite Quiz Nite. Do you:

refuse to have anything to do with any mis-spelt leisure activity?

go once as a matter of interest, but prefer your drinking unimpeded by questions about John Wayne's real name (Marion Morrison)?

form a team, ironically called The Cheating Bastards, and compete regularly?

go on your own every week and spend the other six nights studying trivia books?

8  In a fit of enthusiasm at a party, you've agreed to do a bungee jump for charity. Do you:

go ahead because it's a great excuse for a laugh, but don't bother too much about getting sponsors?

feel obliged to go through with it, raise as much money as possible and wear elasticated plastic pants on the day in case you get too frightened?

ring up to wheedle your way out of it on the grounds that a drunken promise doesn't constitute a contract in law?

change your name and emigrate?

9  There's a job that you want that's in the gift of your immediate superior. How far will you go to get it?

Work hard, believing that your track record will speak for itself.

Take your boss out for a drink to chew over old times and make sure he/she remembers your track record.

Take your boss out for a drink and, as he/she is the same sexual orientation as you, 'jokingly' offer your body to him/her.

Do all the above plus treat your boss to a five-course meal at a posh restaurant, deliberately lose at golf, indulge in craven flattery and offer up yourself and your partner in a sordid sex-slave scenario.

10  By another fluke, a pearl from a precious pair of earrings that have been in the family for generations has fallen into your accident-prone dog's dinner and been eaten. Do you:

shoot and disembowel the dog to make certain of getting your jewel back?

let it go ('C'est la vie'), claim on the insurance and keep the other earring for sentimental reasons?

poke around hopefully with a stick in your dog's poo for the next couple of days in case the pearl comes through?

squeeze your dog's poo through your fingers to check for the pearl? (It's an easy job as you collect dog faeces as a hobby anyway.)