If you are living in the Middle Ages, you are experiencing the period between AD 1000 and 1500. This is a time of castle building and cathedral construction, honour, chivalry and the development of the law. However there are also horrible wars and such significant hiccups as outbreaks of the Black Death and rebellions.
While noblemen and their ladies flounce around in sumptuous clothes and are entertained at court and tournament, an army of unlucky souls toils away in some spectacularly hideous employment. In this time of thanes and barons, the lowly peasant is in for a rough time. The worst jobs in the Middle Ages are pretty grim.
The 13th century is boom time for the wool trade. With three sheep to every man, woman and child, wool is our biggest export. But nobody likes stiff and itchy cloth that falls to pieces, so we have several openings for fullers.
As a fuller, you are expected to walk up and down all day in huge vats of stinking stale urine. The ammonia produced by the rotten wee may make your eyes water, but it creates the softest cloth by drawing out the grease (lanolin) from the wool. If you can dance up to your knees in urine for around two hours per length of cloth, you'll succeed in closing the fibres of the wool and interlocking them to produce cloth that is kind to the skin. You will be doing your part, along with the weavers, dyers and merchants, in making it a world-beating export.
You may stink and regularly have to fight back the urge to throw up, but you are guaranteed very clean toenails.
Want to be a cool knight in shining armour? Wearing all that bling makes you a guaranteed princess magnet. Here's an opportunity to get started in the career of a lifetime (which may be short if combat is encountered).
Welcome to the world of the arming squire. You will serve a five-year apprenticeship between the ages of 13 and 18. When qualified, you must be willing to run, unprotected, into combat to replace broken armour on your knight. After the battle, all the mud- and blood-coated and excreta-filled armour is stripped off and your boss – if he has survived – goes off to party. Meanwhile you are expected to flush out the suit and scour it with sand, vinegar and urine so that it's nice and shiny for the next day's action. Promotion is available for promising candidates.
Top medical practitioners with amazingly high success rates (some even into double figures) require your help. Some people say this job sucks, but you know it makes sound medicinal sense.
A good fat leech – the king of worms – can suck the badness out of anybody, so all we need are people to go and get them. Openings currently exist in the Lake District for Scottish women with nice legs. Stamping barefoot among the reed beds, you will be expected to catch, via parasitic attachment, as many leeches as possible and transfer them from your scarred calves to jars. The containers of leeches are then transported to the leeches – that is, the doctors, for the worms are named after them.
Stylist and amputator required by trendy medieval boutique. You must be advanced in the tonsured monk, ringletted maiden and knight's mullet styles, but also able to turn your hand to the odd bit of surgery as this is where the big money is.
A complete set of tools will be provided for administering anal medication and rectal feeding. The successful applicant will also receive a lovely set of knives, including the curved muscle carver, for amputation. Experience in urine tasting, to determine the type of sickness, and in blood-letting is also an advantage. The knack of small talk while working – such as 'Where are you going on holiday this year?' – is not necessary as training will be given.
