Building self-esteem

Children with healthy self-esteem approach life with confidence because they accept themselves warts and all. They value themselves for what they are, so are less dependent on outside approval and things, such as being top of the class or wearing the latest designer labels, to make them feel good. Kids with shaky self-esteem rely on external factors to make them feel ok and counteract the bad feelings and negative messages that plague them. Even then, the good feeling they get from doing well in a test, a new pair of designer jeans or being popular with friends, is often only a temporary fix.

Poor self-esteem can lead to anxiety, stress and loneliness. It can make it difficult for kids to make friends and can affect their performance at school (and later at work). It can lead to underachievement and increase the risk of problems with drugs and alcohol.

It’s ok to make mistakes

If a friend you invited round for a cuppa accidentally broke your best plate, you wouldn’t yell, ‘Now look what you’ve done. You clumsy oaf. That was my best plate. I can’t trust you with anything,’ would you?

Yet that’s just what many of us do when a child makes a mistake. Instead you should treat them as you would a friend: with respect and consideration. That’s not to say that kids should be allowed to get away with deliberate naughtiness. But even then you should be clear that it is the behaviour you are criticising not them.

I’m on your side

Giving your kids time and showing an interest in what they do is vital to self-esteem. Actively listening as they talk about their friends, school, hobbies and being sensitive to their unique talents and abilities helps them feel valued. Be guided by your child rather than the child development book or what other people’s kids are doing. What counts is what your child is capable of – not what other people’s children can do. Stay on your child’s side and work with them rather than against them.

We’re all good at some things and not so good at others but that doesn’t mean if we fail at something we are no good as a person. If your child doesn’t succeed at something despite working hard, help them recognise what they did do well. For example, you might say, ‘You worked really hard on X. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but you did a good job and you should be proud of yourself.’ Then suggest ways they can do better next time.

It’s up to you to help your child find things that provide a sense of achievement. Hobbies such as music, dance, sports or artistic activities can all fit the bill, especially if your child isn’t academic. Remind your child of all the things they achieved. Keep mementos of success such as cups, certificates, star charts, good school reports. Last but not least encourage your child to avoid putting all their eggs in one basket. If they have lots of things that provide fulfilment, it isn’t so devastating if they fail at one of them.

Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.