Page 1 of 2 Getting on with other people

No matter how clever or talented your child, in the long term their success and happiness will depend a lot on their ability to get on with others. Positive communication skills such as reflective listening and descriptive praise are crucial as they encourage them to think about how their behaviour affects others.

By helping your kids develop good communication skills you help them deal with different social situations. For example, if your little treasure snatches a toy off another child, instead of grabbing it back and yelling: 'You naughty boy. Give it back this second!' you might use positive communication to say something along the lines of:

1. 'Rosie is crying.'
   (Description of what is happening.)
2. 'Why do you think Rosie is crying?'
   (Getting them to think about the consequences of their action.)
3. 'That's right, it's because you took her toy and now she's feeling upset.'
   (Naming Rosie's feelings.)
4. 'What could you do to stop Rosie crying?'
   (Showing how your child could ease the situation.
5. 'Yes, you could give it back and say you're sorry.'
   (Feeding back how their action can make the situation better.)
6. If your child gives back the toy, you could use descriptive praise to reinforce the behaviour, 'Well done! I know you really wanted to play with Rosie's toy but you gave it back to her. That was a kind thing to do.'

Here's another example. Your teenager doesn't want to go on the school trip because she is nervous. You might use reflective listening to say: 'So you've got the opportunity to go to France with the school but you don't want to go because you feel anxious about being away from home/having to speak French.' This could lead into a discussion of strategies to help overcome anxiety – from talking to the teacher at school, to listening to a French tape together, to phoning you from France or relaxation techniques.

In social situations you can help provide the words to use, make sure that your child is communicating effectively, give feedback on how they did and help them develop strategies to resolve problems. In time you want your kids to develop the skills themselves.

Share and share alike

Many scuffles arise from sharing – or rather lack of it. It's no good just telling kids to share.

Little ones, especially, need to learn how. You can help your child by 'brainstorming' possible solutions to problems using positive communication skills.

For example, 'I know you feel frustrated because you want to play with the train set but Tom wants to play with it too. How do you think you could do that? Mmm. That's a good idea. You could take turns. What else could you do? Yes, good suggestion. Tom could play with the red train and you could play with the green train. Or you could find a way to play together with the toys.'



Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost. Next page »