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Consider the following situation.The trigger: Your teenager’s younger sister borrowed her new top without asking and it got ruined at a party.
You say: ‘Cheer up. It’s not that terrible. You’ve got plenty of other tops.‘
The outcome: She says, ‘You always take her side, it’s not fair,’ and storms out of the room.
Now imagine what might have happened if instead of responding as you did you had said, ‘Mmm. So X borrowed your new top without asking and now it’s ruined you must be feeling really upset and angry.’
Talk positive
You only have to tune in to parents and children talking to recognise that 9 times out of 10 communication with kids is negative. We blame, accuse, lecture, nag, label, compare and call them names. For example, ‘Come on, hurry up, you’re so slow.’ ‘Pick it up, you naughty boy.’ ‘If you don’t do as I say, now, you’ll get a smack.’ ‘Don’t cry you silly girl.’ ‘You failed your maths test. If you’d revised like Tom you could have got 90%.’
Not surprisingly all this negative talk makes kids feel bad about themselves. They just switch off or decide it’s pointless to try since you clearly think so badly of them. Talking positively means making your expectations clear in such a way that your kids want to cooperate. Above all it’s important to be honest about your emotions, making a clear link between your kids’ actions and how you feel.
Instead of blaming
Try describing
The pay off: Blaming makes your child feel bad about him/herself and distracts from the matter in hand. Describing clarifies what needs to be done and what action they can take. For example, your child left his toys all over the living room floor. Instead of saying: ‘’You don’t deserve to have any toys you’re so untidy’, try: ‘Your toys are all over the floor. You need to pick them up and put them in your toy box.’
Instead of accusing
Try informing
The pay off: Accusing makes your child feel defensive or angry (if it’s a wrongful accusation). Informing them of what they need to do makes it clear what you expect and what they can do about it.
For example, your children never help with the washing up — instead of saying: ‘Why do I always have to do everything? You’re so lazy.’ Try: ‘It would really help me get on so I have time to help with your homework/read you a story if you would help me with the washing up.’
Instead of lecturing
Try keeping it short and sharp
The pay off: Long lectures about what they should do and why are counter-productive, keeping instructions short and specific (a single word can be enough) makes it clear what you require. For example, instead of saying, ‘How many times do I have to tell you to do your homework? You’ll never pass your exams and then you won’t go to university.’ Try: ‘Homework!’
Instead of nagging
Try using humour
The pay off: Going on and on about something is a sure-fire way to turn kids off or make them cross. A bit of humour, however, is a way of deflecting anger and getting through to them. Once your kids can read, writing a note is an easy – and humorous – way to show them what they need to do.
For example, instead of saying, ‘Every single day I have to ask you to pick that bathmat up off the floor.’ Try pinning a note to the bathmat saying, ‘Please pick me up. I get dirty on the floor. The bathmat.’
Instead of labelling
Try expressing your feelings
The pay off: Labelling makes kids feel attacked which puts them on the defensive. Instead of using labels such as lazy, rude, undisciplined, spoilt or whatever, tell them how their behaviour makes you feel, using a phrase such as, ‘When you do X, I feel Y.’ So rather than saying, ‘You’re so rude interrupting me when I speak to you.’ Try: ‘When you interrupt me when I’m speaking to you, it makes me feel angry.’
Communication isn’t just about what you say, it’s also about the messages you convey with your body and in other ways. Eye contact, an encouraging or reassuring touch, hug or smile speak just as loudly as words. Things like your tone and the loudness and pitch of your voice speak volumes too.
Encouraging confidence
It’s usually best to encourage kids to solve their own problems in their own time. Being overprotective or taking over makes them dependent and does nothing to develop confidence. But you still need to know when to step in and help out. Again it boils down to listening carefully to and knowing your own child.
At every age you need to learn to recognise the verbal and non-verbal cues that show your child could do with a bit of support – the eyes filling with tears, quivering lower lip, the deep breath in before a tantrum in a toddler or the banging down the book and the big sigh in an older child.
Encourage them to persist with difficult tasks by showing your confidence in them. For example, ‘Playing the violin isn’t easy. You’ll have to practise lots and lots. But I’m confident that you will do it.’
Again you need to bear in mind your child’s temperament. Some kids are naturally more persistent than others. Communication is key. Always ask before wading in, for example, ‘I can see you’re finding that hard. Would you like me to help?’ You also need to listen to the answer. If your child says ‘No’, respect their decision. That’s how they learn.
Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.
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