Page 1 of 2 Communication counts

Families can be noisy places with lots of talking, shouting, yelling, crying and screaming. And that’s just the parents! But just because there’s a lot of noise, it doesn’t mean that there’s any real communication going on. In fact the opposite is often the case. Communication is the foundation of good parenting but it’s easy to forget that it is a two-way business.

Listen up

Good communication is all about listening. And that doesn’t just mean using your ears. Learning to pick up signals that your child is happy, sad, tired, stressed, upset, angry or afraid is just as important as hearing the words they say. You may think you listen to your kids, but do you really? All too often we deny children’s feelings, offer advice, distract or try to shut them up with phrases such as, ‘There’s no need to shout.‘ ‘Here, stop crying, have a biscuit.’ ‘You don’t really mean that. You’re only saying it because you’re angry.’

Such responses can make them even angrier, sadder, more afraid or upset, and undermine their confidence. This in turn can make them bottle up their feelings or express them in other ways, such as tantrums, sulking or rebellious behaviour.

Real listening means paying careful attention to what your kids are saying and showing them that you understand where they are coming from. The reward of what experts call ‘reflective listening’ is that your kids will feel listened to, accepted, understood and are more likely to open up, as it shows that you are on their side. It also helps them learn to deal with difficult feelings and in the long term, to communicate more effectively themselves right into adulthood.

Try reflective listening

If your child wants to tell you something, practise reflective listening using the following approach.

Stop what you’re doing.

Be it preparing the dinner, watching TV, making a ‘phone call or reading the paper, show them you are listening by looking at them. One of the recommendations of Supernanny is that when children are small you should get down to their level so you can look them in the eye. It may help to find somewhere quiet where you can talk away from interruptions or distractions. If this isn’t possible, tell your child a time when you will be available to give them your full attention. This shows them you value what they say.

Acknowledge it.

There’s no need for a long sentence, a simple but empathetic ‘Mmm’, ‘Oh,’ or ‘I see’. You don’t even have to say anything at all. Using body language such as a hug, a touch on the arm or a nod can be just as effective.

Reflect it.

Repeat what your child has said in your own words. This helps to show that you have heard, enables you to check that you have heard correctly and encourages your child to keep on talking.

Name it.

Show you child your have understood their feelings by naming the emotion that lies behind the words, such as: ‘I can see you’re really angry/sad/frightened/frustrated.’ This can be hard sometimes as your child may cry when he is angry or laugh when he is afraid. But don’t worry about making a mistake. If you’ve got it wrong, they will soon put you right.

This kind of listening may make you feel awkward when you first start doing it, but you’ll soon get into it when you see for yourself how well it really works.

Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.

Next page »