Page 3 of 3 The basics

Stand united

Whatever kind of family you come from your kids are likely to have several carers. Kids can be quick to spot and exploit differences – for example, over bedtime, watching TV or eating sweets – between different carers. This is another reason step-families can be so tricky as the adults involved often bring different rules and values to their new family.

Contradictory messages are confusing and don’t make for harmony. And once they’ve worked out how to divide and rule, they’ll carry on doing it. Your child needs to know that playing you off against other carers such as your partner, childminder, nanny, step or grandparents never works.

Consistency helps children to feel safe and secure, which in turn helps minimise bad behaviour. It also helps them to learn the importance of cause and effect.

This is especially important if you are divorced or separated, when disputes over custody, visits, money, treats and how the other parent lets the child behave can all too easily become battlegrounds between ex-partners.

Research has proved that children’s adjustment to divorce or separation is directly linked to the amount of conflict between their parents, so it is important to make every effort to present a united front.

Of course, parents are only human and there are times when you will get tired, forget or feel so worn down that you give in. What’s more you and your child’s other carers are unlikely to see eye to eye on everything all the time. It’s worth you all agreeing to the basic rules so that your child learns that if someone says, ‘No’, all the grown-ups involved with the child mean it. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up if you fail to live up to the ideal the whole time but try to get back on track as soon as possible. And remember, always try to be consistent in front of your children and back each other up.

Top tips

• Agree on age-appropriate rules of behaviour and decide how you will enforce them with your child’s other carers, preferably when your child is not there. That way everyone will be singing from the same hymn sheet.
• Don’t argue or fight in your child’s presence and, if you are divorced or separated, beware of using your children as allies, messengers or spies.
• Use common sense. It’s not always possible to be perfectly consistent and there may be occasions when it makes sense to bend the rules. However, always make sure that your child knows that this is a special situation. And don’t do it too often!
• If you don’t agree on something such as staying over at a friend’s house, for instance, it’s ok to tell your child that you need to talk it over. Children can benefit from seeing disagreements as something that can be worked out as long as you do so calmly and not with a blazing row!

Do as you would be done by

You wouldn’t like it if you were in the middle of an important job and someone came and dragged you off to do something else without any warning. It’s the same for kids. If you want them to behave in a civilised way, you have to treat them as you would any other human being (albeit one who may be smaller). That means being clear and consistent about what you expect and always giving plenty of notice about what you want them to do.

Children don’t come into the world knowing how to behave. If you always shout when you want something, never say please or thank you when someone does you a favour, never tidy up after yourself and always eat your meals on the sofa in front of the TV – you can’t complain if your kids are the same.

Kids learn by what they see around them, so if you want them to behave in a certain way, you must set a good example. If you want your children to be tidy, you need to keep an ordered house. If you want them to be polite, mind your own Ps and Qs. And if you want them to eat and sleep on time, you have to provide them with routine.

• The basics
• Communication
• Rules
• Discipline
• Self-esteem
• Other people

Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.

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