Page 2 of 3 The basics

Temperamental traits

To a certain extent how rocky a ride you have depends on your child’s temperament. If you’re blessed with a calm, persistent, placid little angel who sleeps and eats like clockwork, things are likely to be much easier than if your child has a high energy level and doesn’t know the meaning of bedtime.

Knowing and accepting your kids for who they are will help them – and you – to make the most of their personality.

Research shows that temperament is down to how the brain is wired. This means that it’s not your child’s fault – or yours – that they’re the way they are. So don’t waste time blaming yourself.

That’s not to say you can attribute everything to temperament. How you interact with your children whatever their basic traits will have an enormous effect on their behaviour. Children learn how to behave largely by the way you respond to them. If your little darling knows that they will get their own way if they sulk or throw a wobbly, they will milk that for all their worth, as programmes such as Supernanny. It’s vital to set children clear limits and boundaries and stick to them. And if they don’t stick to the rules you have set, you must follow through.

Order, order

Birth order is another factor that can have a big impact on a child’s character because as parents we place different demands on and have expectations of children with different positions in the family.

As parents we tend to dote on Number One. But because we have put so much effort into them we also expect a lot of them and may want them to be perfect, a lesson which firstborns and only ones take on board.

How you react to your child’s moods will have an enormous effect on their behaviour. With numbers two and three we know what to expect and are often far more laid back, which in turn usually leads children in these positions to be more easy going. By the time we reach number four and beyond we’re positively blasé with the result that these later born children are often carefree and strong on charm.

Of course birth order or position in the family isn’t everything. But it can pay to be aware of its effect. Check out the chart here.

Step into line

If parenting biological children is difficult, being a step-parent can be a minefield. For a start, children may be to-ing and fro-ing between different homes – with different sets of rules. In most non-step families the rules of behaviour tend to evolve over time. In step-families, however, there’s often a sudden regime change. And, of course, as far as the children are concerned, when parents remarry or set up home with someone else, it destroys their often unspoken fantasy that their parents will get back together. It can be challenging to say the least, especially if you have not had children of your own or have never been parent to a girl, boy or teenager before.

In step-families issues to do with behaviour can become weapons in ongoing battles between a child’s parents. If you as a step-parent try to intervene you may be accused of being interfering and tensions can soon build up and explode. This is hard on the children and may cause feelings of insecurity and an escalation of bad behaviour.

Top tips

• Talk about it. Be honest and talk about your feelings towards your new partner. Encourage children to express their feelings using reflective listening.
• Agree the rules. Before you even think of living together, agree on your respective roles and rules and how they will be enforced.
• Encourage one-on-one time. Find things the step-parent can do – one to one with your child so they can get to know each other.
• Make time to spend alone with your child. Your child needs to know that he or she still has a special relationship with you.
• Be patient and persevere. It will take time for your child to get used to the new arrangement.

Please note: the Little Darlings book is not written by Jo Frost.

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