Why won't my son use the potty or toilet?

I'm sure he knows when he is pooing, so why won't he do it on the potty or toilet? What can I do about it?
Judyc

It's quite common that children will grasp bladder control before number twos. And it can sometimes be quite a scary thing for a three-year-old. But as you have been potty training him for a couple of months now, it seems that whatever you are trying is not working - and that's the clue here.

That's one of the most important things that I want to relate to parents. If you've tried the same old thing for a couple of months correctly and you're getting the same results, then it's not working for you and you need to now change your approach. He's obviously become very comfortable doing it in his pants and this habit is not helping him make this transition - that tells me very clearly that you need to change your tactic and his attitude towards potty training. Give him a very plain potty and also get him a potty seat to fit inside a proper toilet as well. Take a mental note of roughly when he does do his poos as every child does show a regular pattern, whether that is in the morning, afternoon or after bath time.

Also for now, you may want to give him foods that will make that easier for him, what I call "sloppy joe" foods - foods that are softer in their consistency that will help him to go if he is constipated. It could be that it's hurt him when he tried to go in the past. The fact he goes easily in his trousers shows me that maybe he's aware of being looked at in the process. I would change your approach as to give him his privacy and space. Keep a mental note of when he wants to go, and encourage him to go into the bathroom whilst praising him.

Then you say 'ok, so you need to go to the toilet now, you need to do a number two. You need to do poo poo now'. It's all about making it very matter of fact.

Have the potty ready and the other seat there too, in case he decides he wants to go there. If he wants you in the bathroom with him at the same time you could hold him on the toilet, but casually look away as though you are looking at something else. He still may want to be just held by his knees while he has got his hands on the side. If not, leave the room and say 'mummy's going to come back'. If he's in the habit of going to the potty before he goes on a trip or when he comes back from a trip, then he'll get used to doing it. For him, it's become all too convenient for him to be doing it in his pants. So I think the aim here is to make him feel a lot more comfortable in taking the next step forward and actually going in to the toilet on his own perhaps.

There's a very fine line between saying to your child 'come on now, you're not supposed to be pooing in your pants, that's not good' and actually saying nothing at all. You don't want to scold your child for pooing in their pants but you definitely want to let them know 'come on, I know you can do better now'. That kind of approach is letting him know that you expect better from him but not making him feel scolded or ashamed, because that will put pressure on him even more and may make him want to control this issue for your reaction only, which I strongly feel is the case here.

Because he's three years old, there's no reason why you couldn't give him a reward chart which would record the times that he does go. Parents try all sorts of things. The parents stick the potty in front of the television and the potty becomes the throne, or I've seen parents give kids popsicles or ice-creams on the potty and I think 'what're you doing?!' It's important to realise that this is a life skill you want to teach your children. It's plain and simple: 'get it done and off we go.' Let's face it - you wouldn't sit taking a pee eating a BLT, right? Lazy habits can be corrected with new ones.

Keep going like this for one consistent week, taking short trips near your house and travel to a minimum. That should all it realistically take you.

All the best,

Jo