My children refuse to stay in their beds, any advice?

I am having constant bedtime battles with my nine-year-old and six-year-old. This has not always been a problem, but over the last couple of years it has got progressively worse and I am now at the end of my tether.

I put the younger one up to bed at 7.30pm and read him a story and the older one goes 15-30 mins later and is allowed to read for a short while.

They go upstairs no problem but then they are in and out of each others' rooms messing about, up and down the stairs - sometimes every half hour.

I do not get any peace. I have bribed, blackmailed, taken things away but nothing seems to work.
Nixty

What changed over the last couple of years? That's my big question. I can tell you something that changed – your kids became older! The six-year-old was four at some stage, and the nine-year-old was seven. And they grew up and became two years older and you expect to keep them at the same bedtimes they had when they were four and seven. It's not working. These kids are older now.

You need to bend, so establish an appropriate bedtime routine again that’s a little bit later. Lights should be out at about 8pm for your son – for the older one, 8.30pm to 9pm.

So what I would suggest is that you push everything back and make it later because the kids are older now. And the older one is not going to be as tired as the younger one. What will be important is that when each child has their own bedtime routine (because they go to bed at different times), you make sure you get to spend some time with them when you're putting them to bed, whether it's together or not.

Isolate that time so that they get one-on-one time before they go off to sleep. And then when you do come downstairs, I would use the stay-in-bed technique.

The stay-in-bed technique will allow you to actively ignore the kids and let them recognise that there is a cut-off period. It's now time for bed and they need to do as they're told. What you've done is start to bribe and blackmail. And trust me, if you bribe and blackmail a smart nine-year-old, they're going to want more.

What you're doing is negotiating. There is no negotiating – leave that to the stockbrokers. Bedtime is bedtime. But what you should do is, instead of taking things away from them and bribing them, you should reward them for when they do listen and do as they're told. They are expected to sleep without making a fuss in defiance. In doing so, they will remain to keep their privileges that they have now. Blackmail is blackmail however you look at it! It doesn't give you effective results. Change what they do – maybe one day you read a story to them, maybe they get to read to you? Story tapes are good too. You get the message – change it up!

I'm getting a gut feeling that you work. If you work, you need to make sure you are spending enough time with your kids when you're not working. You'll want to have time to yourself as well, but you've got to make sure you're giving these kids your time first, otherwise kids will try and get your time and bedtime is when the opportunity will be seized.

What you can do is set up a calendar with them, to show them what they're going to be doing over the weekend. If they feel that they're not getting much of your time, then this will be great for them. So when you come home they could do something with you then, before they get ready for dinner and then bed. And if not, then have the weekend to look forward to where you can do things together.

So you need to change their bedtime routine. Stop the bribing and blackmailing, and realise good quality time with them sometimes is what will change this issue dramatically.

Best wishes

Jo