Coming to terms with loss

All of us will experience loss at some time in our lives, ranging from the loss of a job, a relationship or physical health to an intense loss due to the death of someone we love. Suffering any sort of loss usually results in an enforced and perhaps abrupt change in our lives that can be hard to adjust to, but when we mourn a death, we are faced with a period of painful grief that may take years to resolve.

The grieving process generally has five phases:
• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance.

Not everyone will experience them in that order, and each member of a family may be at a different stage of grieving, depending on their personality and their relationship with the person who has died.

Someone who has suffered an earlier loss that was never quite resolved may find that the most recent death triggers a recurrence of their earlier grief, and they mourn both deaths together.

Coping strategies

• Talking to people you trust certainly helps. However, it is sometimes hard to find people who can comprehend your feelings – for example, if you lose a parent while you are still young, you may find that no one your own age really understands what you are going through. You may also discover that some or all of your friends run out of patience listening to you before you are ready to stop talking. In addition, it can be hard to talk to other family members who are equally upset – it's not uncommon for everyone to put on a brave face for each other. In these cases, a professional counsellor who has no emotional involvement with you can be very helpful in easing you towards coming to terms with the situation and with your deepest feelings.

• Accept and express your emotions, and cry as much as you want to. In the early stages, you may be afraid to start crying in case you find that you can't stop. Allow it to happen when you are ready and don't worry about how long you'll feel weepy. You'll cry as much as you need to cry.

• If you do not have the routine that comes with going out to work, build some other kind of structure into your days. Make sure that you have to be at certain places at certain times, and that you have some social contact. Otherwise, you will have nothing to distract you from your grief. Keeping to a routine, however meaningless it may seem at first, is a good way to gain normality in your life.

• While you are in the throes of grief, don't make major life decisions such as moving home or changing your job.

• Join a support group so that you can draw comfort from other people who understand how you are feeling.

• Grief makes us angry and oversensitive. Try not to be impatient with friends who make trite remarks in an attempt to help. Accept that, although the words weren't right, the intention was.

• Try not to feel guilty about things that, while you had the chance, you did or didn't say or do to the person you've lost.

• Don't feel ashamed or guilty when you first begin to laugh and feel happiness again. Bad times will alternate with good ones as you move through the grieving process. The good times are a sign that you are making your way towards recovery.