Winston's Wish

About Winston's Wish | One Morning |  Camp Winston | Julie Stokes | 

The staff at Winston's Wish speak to thousands of people every year who have experienced the death of someone important. Every story is unique. Every journey of bereavement is a personal one.

What follows is an account of just the first four hours of a day on the Winston's Wish helpline (08452 03 04 05). This account has been compiled from actual calls received, although details have been changed and some elements of the stories created to illustrate the types of calls we receive.

What has not been artificially created however is the range of calls we receive in any one day, nor the truth and intensity of the interactions between the Winston's Wish helpline team and the person who needs us at that time.

Brendan is answering the helpline phone on this day – this is what happens during part of his shift. Some calls last 10 minutes; some last over an hour; most calls last around 30 minutes. We receive around 15 calls a day.

• 9.00 Brendan checks the answering machine for any messages left overnight. While the majority of calls come in during our opening hours of 9am to 5pm, people sometimes leave a message. This morning, there's a message from a headteacher asking for a call back during mid-morning break time. Brendan makes a note and checks for other messages left by colleagues. However, the phone rings… and it continues to do so with only short gaps between calls for the rest of the day.



• 9.15 Brendan answers the phone to a grandmother, Florence, who is concerned for her six-year-old grandson, Matt. His mother died four months ago of breast cancer and Matt is now living with his father and his paternal grandparents over 300 miles away from Florence and his old home. His father and his father's family believe in the 'stiff upper lip' school of coping and have decreed that his mother will not be mentioned in the hope that Matt will 'get over' her death quickly. Florence has different beliefs about expressing emotions and wonders how she can support Matt from a distance.
  
  Brendan explores ways that she can keep in contact with her grandson and how she can play a vital role in helping preserve memories of his mother (her daughter). Brendan suggests that she begins to write down some stories about his mother as a child, being naughty, favourite subject at school, meeting dad, telling granny about being pregnant with Matt and so on. With some old photos from gran's drawer, this will form a life book of his mum that will be treasured as Matt grows up.
  
  Brendan also suggests activities which might help Matt that Florence could try, even from a distance. He suggests a couple of books Florence could post for Matt to read. He also explores with Florence her own feelings about her daughter's death and how she might find gentle ways to engage her son-in-law so they can both help Matt establish an appropriate 'continuing bond' with his mum.



• 10.00 Angela rings the helpline for ideas on how to celebrate the 10th birthday of her surviving twin son, James. His twin died of leukaemia about nine months ago. Angela feels that James is entitled to have fun at his party but knows that it will be extremely difficult as it's the first birthday he has not shared with his brother David.
  
  Brendan encourages Angela to talk about how hard this birthday will be for her too. He then shares some ideas on how to celebrate David's life in a fun way - recognising that the friends at the party, as well as the family, will be grieving for their friend. Among the ideas is to make jars of memories, using coloured salt swirled together to represent each child's memories of David. They could decorate biscuits with icing faces to represent how each one is feeling right now and the children could write a birthday message to David to tie to a helium-filled balloon released at the end of the party.
  
  He agrees that his birthday will always be a hard time for James; that's how it is when someone dies. There's no magic wand to make everything better. The best that can be hoped for is to find a way to move forward into the future, with the precious memories of the past. Brendan says he will post activity sheets about the ideas they discussed.



• 10.40 Almost missed the time to call the head teacher! Mr Lloyd is very concerned about a 14-year-old pupil in Year 8, Sean, whose work has recently deteriorated and who is beginning to get into trouble for his angry outbursts at children and staff. Sean says it's because his brother died two years ago and he hates the world. Mr Lloyd and his staff want to be supportive but wonder sometimes if he is using the bereavement as an excuse.
  
  Brendan discovers that the brother was a star student, two years older than Sean, who was knocked off his bike and killed when they were out riding together. It strikes Brendan that Sean is now the age his 'golden' brother was when he died, and he recognises that Sean may feel he should not be alive when his brother is dead. Brendan checks that Sean's mum is aware of the head contacting Winston's Wish and suggests calling her to see if we can offer her support. We may also be able to make contact with Sean's teachers.



• 11.10 The next call comes from Jane, a friend of someone whose husband died last week. She is glad to talk to Brendan about ways she can support her friend's children. The funeral is in two days and Jane is wondering how the two children will cope.
  
  Brendan explores whether the children will be attending and if Jane feels she could take on the role of supporting them during the ceremony to allow her friend to grieve freely. They discuss some suggestions for ways in which the children (aged 6 and 17) can be involved, for example, by choosing one of their father's favourite pieces of music or writing a poem for him. Jane decides to order two memory boxes from Winston's Wish in which each child can keep mementos of their father, such as old photos, shells from a special holiday, his aftershave, tickets to see a film, birthday cards and anything else.



• 11.45 Andrew calls about his daughter Kate, aged 13. They always used to be 'best friends' but since her mother's death a few months ago Kate has changed totally and is now very 'stroppy' according to Andrew. He is exhausted and really struggling after his partner's long illness and recent death. He said he is at his wit's end. He feels Kate can't love him or her mother because she doesn't ever want to talk about her and slams out of the room at the slightest provocation. Andrew's voice shakes throughout the call. He is afraid that Kate will begin to 'get into trouble' with drugs or drink.
  
  Brendan listens to Andrew, encouraging him to share the pain. Sometimes a caller needs our presence and our attentive listening more than our ideas, guidance and information. When it seems right, he helps Andrew consider how he and his daughter are grieving separately and differently. Maybe there's also a place for them to communicate how they are feeling to each other.
  
  He offers some very simple ideas (notes stuck to the fridge saying 'I love you and I know you're hurting', for example) as a beginning but he feels this family might benefit from attending Camp Winston. After ascertaining that Andrew and Kate live locally, Brendan tells Andrew that he will ask a colleague to arrange a home assessment to discuss how we can best support them.



• 12.30 A hospice in Blackpool calls to order some of the publications which Winston's Wish produces. They ask for our book for children about cancer, The Secret C, and the booklet written for adults supporting a child when a parent is seriously ill, As Big As It Gets. The hospice has a mother with young children as an in-patient.
  
  Brendan takes the order after a discussion on how they might use the publications with this family.

Please give the Winston's Wish helpline number to anyone who is caring for a bereaved child – 08452 03 04 05. The line is open from Monday to Friday, 9am and 5pm. Calls are charged at the local rate.

Download the Winston's Wish booklet As Big As It Gets

About Winston's Wish | One Morning | Camp Winston | Julie Stokes | 

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