The Mummy Diaries from Channel4.com

Supporting Children

Protection Racket | Talking about Death | Breaking the News | Sharing Feelings | Changes in Behaviour

It can be helpful to remember that children's experience of a death in the family, and their reactions to it, may be different to yours as an adult. Children often show their feelings about many things through their behaviour, and bereavement is no exception. Their behaviour will correspond to their age and understanding of what has happened.

‘I now realise that everyone in the family is different. At first I thought perhaps Ben didn't care, he was so manic and hyper, but eventually he told me he was trying to be strong so I would stop crying.’

Quote from the booklet: A child's grief: Supporting a child when someone in their family has died
© Winston's Wish

Initial reactions to news of a death may range from great distress to what may seem like a lack of concern. Your child may find it impossible to speak, they may be unable to stop crying or they may ask 'What are we having for dinner?' When first told of the death, younger children may be mainly concerned with the 'when' and 'where' of the death. Slightly older children may also want to know the 'how' and still older children will also explore the 'why'. All of these reactions, and more, are natural reactions and do not mean that your child doesn't care or is over-reacting.

While most children experience their grief differently to adults, this is even more so for younger children. We often talk of children 'puddle jumping' or 'jumping in and out of puddles of grief' to describe the grieving process of children. Older children and adults tend not to move in and out of their grief so quickly. However, this difference doesn't mean that they care any less or are less affected by what has happened.

Children are often talked about as behaving badly or behaving well. Many people think bereaved children will react by behaving badly and, though this can be true, many children also behave 'very well' by throwing themselves into their school work and helping around the house, believing that if they are very good things might be different at home. Although difficult behaviour is most often seen as a sign that a child would benefit from support, it is important that the well-behaved child is not overlooked.

Some children become very withdrawn, not wanting to talk or do anything, and because they are quiet and don't cause trouble their needs can go relatively unnoticed. Other children struggle in more visible ways and show their feelings by getting into squabbles and fights, having outbursts and temper tantrums.

Sometimes children will be clingy and are worried that their surviving parent will also die. It helps children to be told who would look after them if you were ill or were to die, while reassuring them that, as far as you are aware, you are well and unlikely to die.

Helping children talk about the person who died helps them to understand and cope with what is happening in their family. Remember that it is not unusual or uncommon for a child's behaviour to be different at home than it is at school. Keeping the lines of communication open with school is important so that problems can be discussed before they get out of hand. See the Role of Schools.

Next: Age-dependent Coping >>

Protection Racket | Talking about Death | Breaking the News | Sharing Feelings | Changes in Behaviour

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