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The Role of Schools
As discussed and highlighted by almost all the families in the Mummy Diaries, schools play a crucial role in helping families through tough times. The key is that schools should be actively involved and kept informed at all times of any developments, helping make them a positive part of the journey. After all, if a child spends the best part of the working week there, the way it reacts to and supports your situation is vital.
‘The teacher asked us for any important dates, like her mum's birthday, so she would know that this might be a tough day for Janine.’
Quote from the booklet: A child's grief: Supporting a child when someone in their family has died
© Winston's Wish
Schools play a familiar routine part in children's lives. Even when someone in the family is very ill, many children still want to go to school because it gives them a sense of stability. Some will also see school as a place to forget what is happening to their parent for a few hours. Others will feel too anxious and sad to concentrate. Some will not want to go to school at all. This may be because they don't want to miss something important at home or because they want to be around if they are needed. Others may worry that they'll get upset and embarrassed in front of their friends. It is important that the school and all the teachers who come into contact with the child know what is happening so that they can understand when someone is struggling and be prepared to offer support.
You may feel it is hard to talk to teachers about the illness. But the more teachers know about what is happening at home, the more they can help. Some head teachers, but not all, will really understand the journey you are on and will actively know what is required to make school a positive part of that journey. Some, however, will not. As a first step, point them towards the Winston's Wish booklet As Big As It Gets, and have a conversation such as this:
'Thanks for seeing us all today, Mrs Jordan. We wanted you to know that our family is in a really tough place right now. Recently we heard from the hospital that my cancer has returned. I had treatment for lung cancer six years ago when Milly and Harry were in primary school. It's been a great shock as I now need to start treatment again and there are no guarantees how things will turn out. The cancer has spread to my brain. We wanted you to be aware so you can give Milly and Harry the support they will need to keep being successful at school.
They have come up with two great ideas. Firstly, that we send an update email to you every week or fortnight. Secondly, they've both chosen one of their teachers who they each feel they can really trust to talk to while I'm having treatment. Does that sound like a good idea to you?'
If you do happen to have an understanding head teacher, consider yourself lucky. Serious illness means different things to different people at different points in their lives. Some teachers will have had their own personal experiences which may well leave them feeling awkward and unable to respond in a way you would find helpful. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't care; it may just mean that they feel uncomfortable responding to a child's emotional needs. Perhaps there is another teacher who could help. Persevere with communication as the school really does need to understand the ongoing pressures that your children will be facing.
Winston's Wish regularly receives calls to its helpline from teachers who are keen to do the right thing but want to check out their approach, for example, to when planning out activities around Father's Day or Mothering Sunday or when balancing their understanding of a child's situation with the impact of their disruptive behaviour.
Your child's teacher may like to have the Winston's Wish helpline number – 08452 03 04 05
To get a sense of how your school can support your child, download the Teachers TV film from the Winston's Wish website which shows good practice in primary and secondary schools.
The Childhood Bereavement Network has an excellent set of postcards which can be used in school.
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