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Memory Boxes
© Winston's Wish
When someone is ill, a memory box can become an important way of passing on memories of treasured times to children. You could make your own from a shoebox or biscuit tin; Winston's Wish sells specially made ones with draws and pockets to hold special objects in place. The key is that the child needs to feel real ownership of the box and that it is special to them.
What goes into a memory box?
© Winston's Wish
A photo of the child with the parent who is ill can be stuck on the lid. This provides an important reminder of their connection and leads the way into the box and the stories of its contents. All sorts of things can be collected, including tickets from places visited together, jewellery, cards, feathers found on a special walk, shells from a beach holiday, certificates and anything else that has a special, personal significance.
A bottle of aftershave or perfume that mum or dad uses can be included and the child encouraged to spray it on a soft toy of even themselves. Our sense of smell is one of the most powerful ways to access memories, so this can evoke strong feelings of connection with their parent when apart. You might also write short stories or headlines for stories on a set of postcards or in a special memory book to go into the memory box.
How is it used?
‘That evening I found him in bed with his memory box. He said he felt sad about Daddy, but couldn’t talk about it. But with the help of the photographs and all the other things he had collected and made for his box, we did manage to have the most incredible conversation, which was full of laughter as well as some tears. I really understood the use and value of the memory box for us both, and I know we will share it again in the future.’
Parent
Quote from the booklet: A child's grief: Supporting a child when someone in their family has died
© Winston's Wish
It is perfectly natural to feel there are times when they will want to remember and to have times when it does not feel OK. A child's memory box reminds them that they are in control of and can choose to share their stories (memories) with people they trust. As such, the box can symbolise a way for a parent and child to have safe conversations and say things that may otherwise go unsaid for fear of upsetting each other.
Looking through the box can help with the process of grieving by bringing to mind the different aspects of the person who died – who they were, what they did or did not like, what they were good and not so good at, as well as the things that were important to them.
One important skill for memory retention involves 'rehearsal'. This is repeating memories over and over again. The memory box offers a safe vehicle for such storytelling adventures. For stories to be a truly positive experience they need to be shared spontaneously and listened to avidly. If the adult knows the child is comfortable in their reminiscences, whether they cry, laugh or express regret, then they can be alongside the child, and even contribute to the richness of the recollections.
One example conversation could be: 'You know you decided to put Mum's passport in your memory box? I'm not sure if I ever told you about the time when you were a baby and you, me and Mum decided to go on holiday for the first time? Well, it was all going well until we got to the airport and found that I'd left the passports at home.' And so, as the child matures, their memory bank is further embellished, accompanied by an expansion of the meaning and significance given to their memories.
Collecting memories in a memory box can help children evolve a realistic sense of the person who has died, and in doing so, also help them to develop a more mature self-identity.
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